The Worst Library on the Internet
"No, that's not true. That can't be true!" a patron screamed from the reference section.
The reference librarian walked to the reference desk, no hurry, and picked up the phone.
"You calling the police?" the circulation librarian asked.
"Naw, gotta call the Family," the reference librarian said.
Read More"If that's true, I'll cut you," the reference librarian said holding her best knife in one hand and an axe in the other.
The director nodded, saying, "Yeah, it looks like it might be the case."
"But we need pages," the reference librarian said.
"Not as much as we need computers. Or books."
Read MoreOne morning the reference librarian found a body by the book drop. Older gentleman slumped over like he got real tired after a marathon and just crumpled. Sometimes running a long life can do that.
The paramedics took him away on a stretcher. The children's librarian thought she would get to see one of those black bags, but they just loaded him up and slipped a white sheet over his pale form. Later we found out it was a heart attack.
Read MoreWe never noticed the art in the library. All those paintings and little sculptures that seemed to come with the walls. The faces blended in the best.
Read MoreThe library shelving robot was drunk. Or whatever you would call a robot swerving around the library throwing books at patrons.
Read More
The second episode of this Captain America spin-off gives us everything we wanted. More information on everyone including the new Captain, the Flag Smashers, old super soldiers, and Bucky and Sam's relationship. What we didn't know, but hoped, we might get is some serious social commentary. While soft with the commentary, the episode still brought up some serious race relations as they relate to America's historical experimentation on black people and policing. The witty banter and action scenes are a great spoonful of sugar that allows the Disney overlords to not question the medicine this show is capable of making the audience swallow. It's not the Watchman show, but it does have its heart in the right place.
Interesting open with our new Captain John Walker back at his old high school. We get who I can only assume is his wife (or a dear old friend) giving him a pep talk. Then we get his partner, Hoskins, who I will not call Battlestar. To be honest, I really liked seeing the doubt in Walker as well as surrounding him with people of color. We see that he's a competent soldier who people like thrown into the propaganda machine like Steve Rogers was, but there's still that line Hoskins says that makes me wonder. "You can't punch your way out of this one." Seems Walker goes to violence as a solution rather than a last resort, although Rogers tried to fight a guy for talking in a movie BEFORE he became a super soldier, so whatever.
The propaganda theme is literally played as Walker walks out (congrats to that jazzy drumline marching band, that was great). What gives me pause is the "no superpowers" line. Come the fuck on. Even a perfect specimen could not throw that shield and catch it. I cannot believe otherwise.
Sam's got issues with all the "new Captain" posters, and I don't blame him. Then Bucky comes in bitching about giving away the shield. Behind all the "Big 3" and other funny quips, I just loved these two playing off each other. Then there's the jump out of the plane and Sam's teasing. Omg it's the best.
After locating the Flag Smashers and sniping at each other some more, Sam and Bucky get to fight on top of some semi-trucks. The new "bad" super soldiers kick their ass while hauling vaccines. Bucky apparently is not strong enough to pull himself up half the time, while Walker comes in with Hoskins to shoot at least one bad guy and again, no regular guy can do what he does with a shield. There's no other backup (another country maybe, but still weird. Even Cap had back up with SHIELD). Sam gets some awesome use of his wings, but our heroes fail.
Man, Walker talks too much and says very little. Still, that little is the wrong thing. He wants to succeed in his mission, not replacing Steve, but tries to bring on Bucky and Sam by playing up the image of Sam. And that's all this is, him giving into the propaganda machine in a time when that's not enough. Sam's comment on the last line hits it right on the money.
I'll cover all their appearances here. It's obvious this ragtag, global group of revolutionaries with an awesome slogan are trying to do good. All heroes and villains think they are doing the right thing, so we have to have some sympathy for these people who are trying their best. It's a turning point. Are they really the bad guys as they seem to be hunted by even worse guys? Also, Marvel nerd squee on the deep cut "Power Broker" being after them. I will admit I only knew the name and had to look it up, but after I did… big smile.
Bucky decides Sam needs to know some secrets after fighting more super soldiers. Man, this is where this show decided to go for a run. We meet Isaiah, a supersoldier experimented on for decades, the first black super soldier. He's pissed because of the government and Hydra's treatment of him. Also, fun possibility of his grandson being Patriot and leading the Young Avengers. Then we get a standoff with the police being a dick to Sam until they recognize him. All these moments were something I honestly did not expect. Not perfect, but just raising these questions in a Disney Marvel show is kinda amazing.
Bucky gets arrested for skipping his therapy session (dissolving the police scene), and we get a tense but hilarious buddy cop scene. The two of them stare each other down under the watch of Bucky's therapist. Then Bucky lets out a good measure of his character, believing that Sam giving away the shield Steve gave him means that Steve might be wrong about Sam which means Steve might be wrong about Bucky, too. Sam's reaction is understated and perfect, asking if Bucky believes Sam believes Sam did the right thing. It's not Sam's reluctance to take up the mantle, but America's reluctance to see a black Captain America.
We get more of Walker's arrogance here as well, getting Bucky out of jail and off parole. Then he tells them to work with him or "stay out of his way." What happens when our heroes cannot do that.
The ending tease of Zemo drips with menace. But uh, why is he the only one that knows Hydra's secrets? Widow put all of Hydra's files out on the web during the Winter Soldier movie, and Zemo said in Civil War that's how he found out. A little bit of google translate and CTRL+F should help people find whatever they want in those files.
Directed by Sam Weisman, written by Steven Brill, starring Emilio Estevez, some other adults, and a bunch kids plus some more doing their best
Where do you go when the peewee hockey team is the best? Not the fucking Olympics because that trademark is expensive. The Ducks are going to the Junior Goodwill Games to play as Team USA, adding a bunch more kids to their roster to defeat the dreaded Iceland team. Wacky humor is the name of the game in this outing as the main addition is a cowboy hockey player who ropes a kid on the ice. Add in some local Los Angeles color and some capitalist angst for our favorite coach, and you pretty much get the first movie that got drunk and took a ride.
You know you are in for a good time when "D2" gets lasered off the screen with a big metal "ca-chunk" to reveal the first movie's title.
Like the first one, there's a really well done series of scenes showing young Bombay skating with his dad having fun and getting a "remember your home" message, then now Bombay living his dream. Then it all comes crashing down with one injury. Cut to him getting off the bus in the rain, the ultimate sign that "shit's downhill."
Just like the first movie that intros the kids, I love all the kids skating around picking each other up. Stand out goes to Fulton, ruining the day of a bunch of Hawks by ripping their pants off, and talking in a weird deep voice he does not have even now as an adult.
Right away as they begin to form Team USA, Charlie looks down from his high horse and says "shouldn't we be the Ducks?" I get that the thrust of this movie is anti-capitalist, but dude, you're playing in a world-wide tournament. You don't get to be your hometown division nickname. Until the end when you do.
The team has a tutor so they can learn while away from home. She's well acted and nice enough as a role model, but her teaching sucks. She's trying to impart the notion of "people played sports for the glory and pride" but gets the facts all wrong by using ancient Rome/Greece as a template. Those assholes totally had sponsors and sold products.
This is an extension from the first movie, sort of, but don't these kids have families? People back home rooting for them? Even Charlie's mom, Bombay's not a love interest here, is nowhere to be found. Or what about Jesse's dad who in the first movie was all about taking off work to see his kid play? At least we see that Goldberg works at the deli, and they put up a picture of him.
This is my ignorance, but it feels like they wanted this team to be Jamaica. Just saying.
No money for metal in this movie, dammit. Our "Bash Brothers," Fulton and Portman, the enforcers of the crew, are supposed to be the rowdy crazy ones. So when they decide to go to bed and play a little music and begin thrashing around, you would expect some Sabbath or Metallica. Nope. Bachman Turner-Overdrive's "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet." Don't get me wrong, it's a great song with a nice hard guitar on the chorus, but I did not expect it from these two.
Man, Coach Iceland with the hair and the "kill them all" stare is just so cookie cutter villain it made me laugh.
Bombay has been romanced by the money of it all. All the peewee hockey coach money. Yup. I mean, it's probably a good bit of money because kids want to do a lot of dumb shit and hockey is right up there with expenses. Still, a coaching shoe?
OMG Kenan Thompson is a baby in this movie! And does a great job, especially when the team goes to the "streets" and gets some training. Not gonna lie, this series is way more diverse and interesting than I remember.
Poor Adam. First movie he can't play with his friends and gets knocked out by them, and here he gets his arm hurt. For a moment it's played like he will hurt himself more, but then good Bombay comes in and has a moment. And to be honest, it's sweet.
Dude looks like he should be in Die Hard, and then when he's losing in a one-on-one match against Bombay he cheats. Just in case you guys in the cheap seats still thought he was a person with feelings.
We get a scene early on where the new goalie, Julie "The Cat" Lastname asks Bombay for more play time. So she gets it in the last little bit of the game. This should have had more weight and less Goldberg.
Two scenes in the end made me cackle with how clumsy they felt. The rodeo kid says "we're going home" and the film fades to a plane. Then the plane fades to ducks flying. What the fuck was this supposed to be?
Then we get the last scene. With the gang sitting around a campfire and singing Queen's "We are the Champions" and what the hell is this? It's nice. But this is not what these kids have ever done, so it's ultimately confusing.
Directed by Stephen Herek, written by Steven Brill, and starring Emilio Esteves, Lane Smith, a mom, and a bunch of kids who did their best
What do you get when you cross The Karate Kid with Friday Night Lights? If you said The Mighty Ducks, then you read the title of this review. Dickweed lawyer Gordon Bombay (fuck yeah, that's a Minnesota lawyer's name) gets a DUI and is forced to coach peewee hockey's worst team. Along the way, we all learn a little something. Mostly that the 1990s made the best low stakes bad guys, anyone can be redeemed with a little goofy fun, and that ducks fly together. It's darker than you remember.
I swear to god I almost typed "quackstory." I'm infested with ducks. Anyway, I really like this fast exposition style delivery of showing little Gordon failing at hockey and growing up to be lawyer Gordon. It's less than a minute, gets the audience ready to see kids suck at a game, and adds some pathos for Gordon who very quickly becomes a giant donkeybag.
Annnnnd we see him cheat to win a court case and then get pulled over for drunk driving with an open container. Our hero. The guy we're supposed to root for in this movie is a drunk driving asshole. And then they give him control of a bunch of kids. Only in America.
Introing the kids is always fun, because we get to see all their little personalities and how they interact. Not gonna lie, this was kinda funny. Watching a bunch of kids following a dog around after feeding it chili, filling up a purse with the leavings, and then watching as someone picks up the purse and finding the present was just odd. I'm glad kids have phones now, but we used to be creative and have some patience as children. The editing, though, speeding up the film to show a bunch of slow ass kids run faster than a grown man was weak.
So we get Bombay with the kids, having him drive out on the ice in a damn limo to prove he's the cool rich guy. Sure, whatever rich man. Then he decides that these losers can only win if they cheat, so he teaches them to take a dive. When that parent comes in, Jesse's dad I think, and tells him "I lost money from my job because I took off to see my kid cheat…" Whooo, buddy. That's a nice wakeup call.
Fulton, my man. Big and tough, that kid who is a bit of a mystery and has a great shot. Like Rudy in Monster Squad but with less personality. Bombay finally gathering some kids together that can win, a rag-tag group, just great. And Fulton calling Bombay a moron *chef's kiss*. You don't get quality talking back to adults like that anymore.
Bombay's become a decent guy, cares about the kids, might be trying to fuck the mom, and then he gets all snotty with his old coach. Talks shit about his team with sarcasm. Here, though, it does kind of work because the kids overhear him and of course they jump to conclusions and take him at face value. Everyone has always talked shit about them, why not the asshole coach who just started to seem cool?
The joke comes at the end when all the kids are in detention for first fighting each other and then quacking at the principal. Bombay comes to say he's sorry, and the principal says they're all in detention. All of them. Hahaha. But here's the thing: even if they weren't in detention, they were still all in the same class. How is that a thing that's possible when some of these kids are obviously older than others and… you know what, it doesn't matter.
So Bombay got the rich kid Adam to play for the Ducks through some rule trickery. I like how it does give the Ducks a better player and hurts the Hawks by taking him away, but I also like how Bombay might see himself in Adam. How the coach (Lane Smith, the best Southern Minnesotan) might be turning him bad. Then seeing how the system, including Ducksworth, uses kids despite what the rules say. It's a little high and mighty to say the old man did not earn the jersey, but it feels right. Here is the real victory in the movie. The end game, win or lose, Bombay has walked away better and therefore is now a winner by principal.
Of course, they still beat ass for that last game because this is Disney, and there's no way they would Bad News Bears this shit.
Holy shit this moment. Wow. Adam gets knocked cold by his old friend and when asked what he was doing, the kid just says "My job." That's some cold-blooded shit for a pre-teen, man.
Sam and Bucky both lost a friend and five years in the world thanks to an alien madman. Now both are trying to just be regular dudes, you know? Sam is trying to get his family business back together while Bucky plays at therapy and going on dates. This series seems buried in the legacy of Steve Rogers and capitalism. My notes will have more thoughts on it, but the first episode establishes a somber loss in these men's lives, not just of their friend but of the fight. Each of them is looking for peace in their fights and struggling to find it. Bucky still sleeps on the floor while Falcon is not ready to carry the mantle he was given. On the edge of the series is the threat of a terrorist organization, but here we see two men dealing with their shit and finding that hard to do. BTW, my ship name for them is Sucky. Do with that what you will.
I can't list them all because I'm not the Smithsonian, but starting with Sam jumping out of the plane to fight Batroc, even using the same moves as Cap, clearly mirrors the beginning of Winter Soldier. He's the worthy successor to Steve Rogers because he does the same damn things, and these first scenes show that.
Man, I hate a canyon scene in movies. How many have we seen? Independence Day, Star Wars, The Mandalorian, half a dozen more movies show our hero fight a bad guy while dog fighting in a canyon. Why? This would have been a nice call out of the trope. Have Sam just be like "what are they doing?" and fly above the canyon following them until "Oh shit, helicopters" and then he has to dive down. That's called cake and eating it, Marvel. I thought you were good at that.
Sam says they play around with his tech. The US government built these wing suits. Sam had a partner. They are a proven technology. Why doesn't the gov'ment have a dozen Falcons flying around tearing shit up. Or Hydra? Dammit, the Rocketeer told me that's what the Nazi's wanted!
What the fuck is this museum doing with Cap's shield? He was in the Army. Was the American History Museum or the WWII museum full? It makes no sense.
Seems like he's gotten better walking tech. Don't even see those robo-legs as him and Sam walk through the museum. Just saying. (This is me saying that's not Rhodey, that's a Skrull, baby!)
Aw, man, it sucks to see the Buckster dreaming about murdering people while sleeping on the floor. Another call back to Cap acclimating, we get this and a list to show how these men coped with their problems. Bucky gets a side of therapy (good for him) that he argues with and lies to (bad for him) and his list is more Arrow "this is my city" against Hydra people. Let's hope he gets his shit together.
Not gonna lie, I thought this whole thing with the old man and the girl very charming until it got very sad. The relationship with Yori that leads to the date with Leah, all of it was pretty nice. At first I thought Yori was a war veteran, someone Bucky could relate to, but then, well, it's a big bummer that Bucky murdered Yori's son. And he skipped out on the date with Leah (I looked her up, it's not that hard, other reviewers) that was going so well. Never leave a girl hanging with Battleship and Beers, dude. She's a keeper. Unless what the internet wants to be right is right, and then you should just tell her you're gay and have a good friendship. Either way, bad form.
Lot of money issues. Some of it like Sam's, the Snap (I hate calling it the The Blip) dealing a heavy blow to the Wilson family business (catering and fishing? I could not really tell. Looks like they fish and then do plate lunches? Need more info, but I can see how they are struggling if that's all.) Honestly, I don't care except it seems to lead into the next note so I'll stop. Except where the hell is Bucky getting his cash? That's a nice apartment in New York plus his fancy gizmos. Doesn't look like he's working with government contracts.
Plus, I don't have another place to put this so it goes here: Falcon with his community made me smile. You can see how at ease, how confident he can be talking to people he's familiar with. Aside from his sister's and his arguing, that also made me a little sad as I know it's a place he does not fit and will lose. I hope I'm wrong about that.
Sam and Sarah try to get money from the bank through a loan, with all the awkward bullshit this bank dude can give to a celebrity. Next, some enhanced folks with the Flag Smashers are robbing what looks like a bank. Theme? Also, I really like Torres. Danny Ramirez really is doing a good job.
This fucking guy. He's gonna kill somebody, if not himself in that squashed head helmet.
Directed and written by Zoe Lister-Jones, starring Cailee Spaeny, Michelle Monaghan, David Duchovny, Zoey Luna, Gideon Adlon, Lovie Simone
Making friends is hard, so when Lily moves to a new town with her mom and falls in with a coven everything seems great. However, things fall apart when the magic they do turns out to have consequences. The only problem with that premise to this sequel to the 90s jam that did not age well, is that the consequences are kinda not there. While the film is well shot, the script and acting are so hit and miss you would think a blind witch was poking at the movie's voodoo doll. Two and a half spells, skip this one and leave the original back in time as well.
Starting your movie with a mom and daughter car sing-along to Alanis Morissette's "Hand in My Pocket" should have made me worried. But I thought, hey that's the young girl (Spaeny) from Bad Times at the El Royal, you liked that. And Michelle Monaghan! What are you doing here?
I wanted to say "Man, they drug David Duchovny into this" but it's more like "what did they drag Duchovny out from under?" I'll talk about his character more later, but as he's aged the laconic Mulder has just become a dull who could care.
So Lily and her mom have moved to this new town to live with Duchovny and his sons (and nobody has met? Where's the backstory here? Was this a cruise ship marriage? I feel like I'm missing something important but I was probably on my phone texting how silly this shit is), and she has to go to school the next day? I've moved several times in my life, and no way did I schedule starting something new the day after arriving. What is this movie thing?
Biology is a tricky subject, so I'm just gonna say: the actual fuck. The menstrual cycle is a mystery to me as a man who has never had one, but I'm pretty sure by the time it's dripping down a chair you have some idea it's happening. And if this heavy flow day is something to do with the witch stuff, then it never gets brought up again. Not even that weird Hollywood crap about syncing cycles or whatever.
So this movie starts a lot of stuff that gets tossed out. Duchovny's sons and a gay/bi romance are swept away tot he point where I almost don't want to talk about how it really looked like there was a hidden witch door in the house. Unless there was, and then I'm sorry. I was texting about how bored I was.
While I do not condone violence, I also do not believe a girl less than five feet can physically throw a six foot dude who is facing her back any distance. That he was harassing her, and she got detention is crazy.
I haven't talked about the witch girls (Luna, Adlon, Simone) because other than the welcome diversity of latino, black, and transgender individuals there is nothing to them. The actresses are fine given what they have to work with. Nobody in school likes them, so they get power and… that's it. To compare the first one, each girl had a nemesis or issue they were dealing with that magic helped. Here one girl lights her finger on fire, and they all get sparkle makeup. Also, stage 1 of magic is moving shit with your goddamn mind?! That's X-Men level, not witches in the suburbs level power.
To get back at the detention guy, they break into his house and cast a spell on him. Not get something from him at school, but break and enter his home. These are our good guys.
Just a little nitpick, but there's a point where Tabby blowtorches some graffiti off her locker with her finger. Then, less than five minutes later, she seems to learn she can do this. It feels like noone was paying attention.
Something good! I like that they made the asshat a nice guy. Little too perfect, but whatever it's a silly teen witch movie. His confession of being bi and struggling with that is cringe worthy, but also kinda real and charming. It goes nowhere, but the scene was nice.
Then our heroine, while decked out in full clothes and pearls, takes bi asshat's shirt to bed, casts another spell on him, and jills off with it. Just weird. Wait maybe until bedtime.
So bi asshat dies, supposed suicide, and the girls blame Lily because casting a spell to change his personality was bad but making him love her was worse. So they decide, in the most grown up decision I have seen with no worries since never (not even the abortion in Fast Times was arrived at this quickly), the group decides to quit magic cold turkey.
Here's the point where I feel this movie thought it had something good to say, had its heart in the right place, but shit the bed. Duchovny is the bad guy. He married the mom to get Lily, killed bi asshat for man reasons, and is now gonna take Lily's power. Except, other than being a normal dick, he's never seen doing much in the movie to warrant being THE bad guy. Even then, when he snaps after she gets detention, he argues with mom for a while and as far as I can tell does little else. There's supposed to be the message of "women stick together against men" which would have been great, but everything leading up to this felt meandering. It felt like it was playing with the original's "power corrupts" and then zigs at the end to little effect. Weird effect with the very tame burning him alive, too. There's just no horror in this one to earn a bad guy.
Not gonna lie, this is the whole reason I watched this movie. I heard Fairuza Balk was back and wanted to see Nancy again, if not in her crazed glory, then as a mentor figure. But Lily shows up to the hospital (without calling, I'm pretty sure you have to set an appointment instead of just walking in), and we get a quick shot of Balk before credits. I felt cheated and baited to a sequel that will never happen unless Jason Blum gets drunk one night and decides to green light another sequel. And I'll watch that one, too, because as much as I've railed against this movie I really do like supernatural trash dramas. Bring on a follow-up to the Faculty, Rodriquez!
This question comes from library patrons like you! Do you have a question for our librarians? Ask away online, by phone, or mail on our Contact page!
Hi, this question comes from Chelsea B of Junior High School. Answering is our cataloging librarian, She of the Labels:
Library materials can be found in many places. Most are on the shelves, like books and DVDs. Some are processing (getting labels put on them as well as being entered into computers), while a lot of them are at patron's homes just like yours! A very small amount, though, are labeled "In Library Use Only" for many reasons. Here's a few!
Some books are in the library for special reasons. These books, often reference items, cost a lot of money for the library to purchase or replace. To keep them from being damaged and available, the library keeps these to be used only inside our buildings.
Other books are valuable for different reasons. Age and lack of global interest in a subject can make it so some subjects, often local histories, are no longer published. These items are kept for library use so that they can be kept in great shape for years to come.
Some books really are just old. They have faded writing or brittle pages. Still, for various reasons, they may need to be kept around. They are local treasures stolen from far off lands that will never be returned. To protect them, we do not allow them to leave the building.
Ever read a book and sat there thinking about it for days after? Maybe a character died or a concept was explored and you cannot shake the emotions? Well, there are books that go farther than mere trivial cause of wonder. They twist and wind your mind into pretzels and cause your thoughts to become a cheese dipping sauce that oozes down onto the hands of greedy children from far off borders of reality. These books must never be read, or at least read under the supervision of a librarian.
Ancient texts speak of beings that desire our flesh and our waking dreams. These beings can be called forth by the retching sounds of dead languages called forth from tongues that do not understand the naked hunger. The ink in these tomes is blood written on the flesh of the living. They cannot leave the library as they do not exist outside of the library. Ask a librarian for help with these.
Libraries often keep one copy of a popular book back for reference. Most often these are nonfiction books, like an almanac, but some fiction books can be put to "library use only" for reasons like book clubs. This is often just for a limited time.
Remember, if you have questions about the library, our librarians, or just in general, contact us!
Directed and written by Peter Jackson with Fran Walsh as co-writer; starring Michael J. Fox, Trini Alvarado, and Jeffrey Combs
As a child of the 80s, Michael J. Fox could do no wrong. Yet, I struggle to say I have watched all his movies. This killer ghost collaboration with Peter Jackson is Fox's last theatrical movie, a quirky gem with more charm than scares and quality acting than effects. Something is killing the people of Fairview and paranormal investigator Frank (Fox) and Dr. Lucy (Alvarado) tries to get to the bottom of it while being harassed by X-Files wannabe FBI agent Dammers (Combs). A curiosity more than a classic, The Frighteners holds together with the only cohesive thing in the movie: pure mania. It gets three rattling old cars from me so check it out.
While it makes little sense in the context of the movie, the opening scene of Patricia (Holy shit that's Dee Thomas, the mom from ET) and her mother is pretty harrowing. Except for the ghost effects. While this is the same WETA company that would soon make history with the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, they were kinda trying their best here. But those practical effects are just great fun to watch.
Oh voice over exposition, you are so goofy. Here we get an editor reading a reporter's story about the mysterious deaths in town as well as the town's serial killer history. Why is an editor reading it to the reporter? He fucking wrote the thing; he knows what it says. And then she says to squash it and talk to a real person instead of giving a history report which is what any editor worth a letter to the editor would say. Sure, it was nicely written, but anyone reading the paper knows about the killings.
I fucking love a crazy old lady with a shotgun keeping her daughter under lock and key. Write that on my tombstone.
I know I crapped on the effects at the beginning, and I stand by that the "Freddy Kruger poking out of the walls'' is not very well done. However, I think the actual ghost effects of John Astin, Chi McBride, and Jim Fyfe's ghosts are well done indeed. No matter if they are squished or cut up or blown apart, I just kinda dug how they looked and felt in the world. They still feel a little "floaty" (yes, even for ghosts, haha you got me) and not in the world (yes, even for ghosts, haha you got me). It would have been a nightmare, but they should have left some of the ectoplasmic slime everywhere that Frank keeps talking about.
This fucking place. Do these places exist? Castle restaurants that don't have jousting? I know this is New Zealand masquerading as… America somewhere (I thought Pacific Northwest or Maine, but research says it was supposed to be Midwest? Okay…), but I've never seen this.
This is some nitpicking nitpickery, but there's a bunch of logic flaws. First was the opening ghost attack, but whatever it's fun. Here though… So a guy gets killed by a ghost reaper in the bathroom of the restaurant in front of Frank so he runs. Later at the police station, the sheriff finds out the guy was with Frank. Okay. Then right after in the same scene we get Lucy, who was eating with Frank, hauled into the station. Why? Did they think she killed the guy in the bathroom? If they suspected Frank, why did that guy have to tell the sheriff?
Man, this museum scene is wacky. We got priceless treasures being used and abused, both physically and sexually. We got mayhem, dead people, and mummies. The hell kinda town is this?
I could describe this guy all day and not do him justice. He wears a lead vest sometimes. His chest is a criss cross of scars and symbols. He acts like Van Helsing coming off of mushrooms by using more cocaine. Add in he is the same guy that played Herbert West, and I just love whatever he's up to.
Not gonna lie, the ending was frustrating. The evil ghost has been killing people no problem all movie, then in the end can not. For no reason, he has to use physical means to take people out, be it knife or shotgun. Another logic hole, but still enjoyable.
So you made it to your two appointments for the COVID-19 vaccination! Couldn't make it or bother to even make a curbside library appointment, but you made it for those shots, huh? Good to know. Good to know. Anyway, now that you are somewhat protected from the deadly virus, here's what you can and cannot do, according to the CDC as interpreted by library staff*.
You got a church group and all of you got your shots, well then it's time to meet up. You don't even have to wear masks. Maybe even kiss and hug. Really hold on to these people. Talk about everyone who is not there, like the ones not vaccinated yet and the ones who died after the Christmas Pageant everyone really thought was safe to hold when all the kids came in from other states.
Got a small group of people that do not qualify for the vaccine yet? It's fine to be around them without masks as long as no one there has an active virus. So load up the car and crash in on your kid and that dumb son-in-law that would not let you around the kids. Make sure to tell him slyly that he could not keep you from your grandbabies. Not any more. Dumb liberal son of a bitch with his "science."
Did someone in your bible study or that stupid son-in-law come down with COVID-19? Well, don't worry too much. You got a vaccination. You do not have to quarantine or get tested just because someone else got the virus from up there on their high horse. However, if you live in a group scenario (prison from ignoring a restraining order or cult-like barn), you should stay isolated for at least 14 days for the protection of others in your living area.
Okay, here's where we need to reach some of you. Just because you are suddenly less capable of dying from an easily preventable virus does not mean the rest of us are. So if you do not want to be treated like a teenager having unprotected sex on prom night, please keep a mask on, stay six feet away, and avoid crowds in public, large gatherings, and around people who are unvaccinated and at increased risk. Just imagine you care about other people and are still capable of transmitting the virus, which you should and kinda are.
This one is for those in the cheap seats: If you walk into a room and haven't seen five or more people in that room in over a year, leave that fucking room. No large gatherings, vaccinated or not. Don't be an example to stupid people.
This includes domestic and foreign travel. Guess what? This virus is sneaky and is getting better all the time. Maybe the virus in your little town is not as bad as in your stupid son-in-law's little town. Maybe the virus he's been talking about is worse than what you have been vaccinated against. Now you are a carrier for a virus that may or may not kill everyone you know as you breeze back into Sunday school with baby pictures.
Feel like beating a dead horse here, but keep on the look out for symptoms of the virus. Just because someone stuck something in your arm does not mean you are safe. You are just safer. Think of being safe like a seat belt on a car. You can drive without one, but if you hit a virus going the wrong way at thirty miles per hour you are gonna fly through and crack your head on the cement and be put on a respirator.
Don't be a dick. That's most of this, just be kind. If you work in a place with COVID rules in place, that's amazing. So few people front facing do and what safety rules they do have is mandated by the profit margin or the visibility of control. If your boss says to wear a mask and not spit on people, then do that.
Your work, your family, your bible study group, even your dumbass "look at me read a book" son-in-law are part of your community. Until everyone is vaccinated please try and be kind. Be responsible. Wear a fucking mask so we can't see your dirty plague infested mouth.
*Like all other medical information, call your doctor not the library, but whatever, don't be a dick about it.
Waking up with someone attacking you has to be a hell of a time.
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Marvel got back into television with a relatively small story with big implications. WandaVision could have been a lot of things (people speculated the whole damn way), but in the end it became a solid superhero story about grief and loss in every good and bad way the genre can offer.
Wanda dealing with the trauma we have seen throughout her six years is an interesting story, especially for a being who can warp people's minds and the physical matter around her. Where it stumbles is ending with a physical battle and a clever trick that leads to solving deep emotional problems. Wanda has learned and grown, but in the end it does not feel satisfying for her to just walk away from everything she did as an unstoppable magical badass after almost destroying a small town and enslaving its occupants.
In the end, I love Wanda more as a character, but I am not sure she can be trusted with her powers. I guess we will see more about her development in the new Doctor Strange whenever it comes out.
There's been magic in the MCU since Doctor Strange (maybe even Thor) popped in waving his hands around. But what we have here is real magic. "Change the world not fucking around damn sure not science we do not understand" magic. What happened in the nine episodes was more than floating shit around and telepathic mind tricks. It also was not Strange's "we know kung fu" brand of magic. Agatha gave a motherfucker superpowers, and Wanda rewrote reality (giving another motherfucker superpowers). That's pretty damn wild, even if the rules seemed a bit arbitrary and convenient to the plot. Turns out just writing stuff on walls can take away another witches' powers. Cool for her to say that.
OMG I love Kathryn Hahn in this role. To be honest, the only other roles I remember her from are her solid run in Parks and Rec and the best part of those Bad Moms movies. Is this the comic book character we all know and love? Fuck if I know. Fuck if I care. Hahn dominated this series as a mysterious character and as a magic sucking witch from witch there is no escape. Fuck yeah she killed that dog and she'll kill your ass, too.
The best turns in this show played on Wanda's grief and the darkness that wormed its way into the world around her. Subtle, eerie shades of David Lynch crept in like worms in spaghetti. A normal sitcom world laugh track became a chorus of demented screams inside the heads of viewers as scenes turned in on themselves through Wanda processing her life. Only when Agatha pushes the past on her do we fully see the discomfort Wanda has been feeling, but even then things seem only being processed on the surface. The darkness is still there even when Wanda has processed Vision's death. She gives up him and the kids, but I'm not sure she gave up the dark parts of herself.
Speaking of Vision, that son of a bitch damn near made me cry. First talking to Wanda in her Avengers room when they fell in love, and then that damn end scene where he says he'll always be a part of her. Bettany and Olsen fit so well together I found it very easy to realize he's a robot and she has enslaved a town and does not seem to feel bad about it.
Man, I know this is a comic book superhero thing, but maybe there did not have to be a big light in the sky and a punchy fight at the end? Ultimately both Wanda and Vision do have some smarty-pants talking the villain to death-ish moments, but it almost felt like the "de-icing" scene in the first Iron Man. The solutions are clever and in character, but I don't feel satisfied. Sure, Wanda gets a fancy new outfit (that looks amazing), but, and I do not think I have said this enough, she enslaved and tortured a town full of people. They beg her to stop. Dottie begs Wanda to let her hug her child again. Wanda's Hulk "Take it all" moment at the end does not fix this. And is flying not a spell? Because Agatha should have dropped like a stone when those runes went up.
Monica Rambeau is one of the most exciting characters the MCU has dropped. Sure we met her as a kid in Captain Marvel, but here dealing with the death of her mom she's so much more. Then she gets some poorly defined superpowers and hell yeah I want to see what they do with her. However. Here she is just a champion and overall scapegoat for Wanda's actions. One of her last lines is saying she would have brought her mom back, too. Which, yes, of course that's human nature to mourn for the dead. But she should have followed up with "but I probably would not have enslaved so many people to my will while I was at it."
Fuckers gonna troll. Disney, you bastards.
They really are just so great. Those damn magic tricks. Flourish!
Same shit from Agents of SHIELD?
For some, Inbox Zero lies just behind searching for the Ark of the Covenant and finding the Loch Ness monster. Inbox Zero is the concept that you have zero, zip, zilch, no emails in your inbox. Well, as your helpful librarian I have a system to teach you how to reach and maintain Inbox Zero if that is your goal.
The first thing I want you to do is make three folders. They should be named "Do Me Now, Do Me Later, and For Your Information." You can name your folders whatever sexual metaphor that's work appropriate for you, but make sure they approximately mean "Important today," "Important this week," and "Important to know."
The next two steps will be the biggest undertaking of your life. Go through your email inbox. Think of your plain "Inbox" like a mailbox outside your house. If there's more than one page of Inbox, then that shit is full. So move every email you must answer today into "Do Me Now." Move every email you plan to answer this week into "Do Me Later." Anything with useful information should be moved into "For Your Information." Be careful with the brain belief of "useful information." Make this stuff that's need to know within your life, not the life you wish you had.
If something does not fit into one of the three folders, delete that shit. All the ads, follow-up emails, reminders of overdue library books, and letters from princes from other countries get deleted. Honestly, you can cut your Inbox in half by searching "Netflix" and "Dominos" and deleting all those. The only caveat I hold is receipts. Instead of deleting those emails, I archive them just in case I need to yell at someone.
Now you should have the fabled Inbox Zero. To maintain this, get some routines, rituals, daily dealings going. At some point during the day, look at your inbox and organize that shit.
Here's my routine: I start with my Inbox. I open each email, scan through them, and move them into the appropriate folder or delete them. If there's a particularly unwelcome email, I click it to spam or I unsubscribe from the company with maximum ferocity. Then I go to my "For Your Information" folder. I scan through all of them, from the bottom to the top. This makes me aware of what I might need to know and clear out stuff that I have either memorized or do not need anymore. Sharon's birthday party only mattered when it was going to happen, not after, so add it to your calendar for next year and delete the email. Then move to the "Do Me Later" folder. Again, scan each one bottom to top and see if there's anything in there that must be done today and move it to the "Do Me Now" folder. When that's all done, start working on the emails in the "Do Me Now" folder. Get that shit done like a to do list, one at a time and with extreme prejudice.
Does this sound like a lot of work? Maybe, but just for the first week or so. Think of it like a garden that's gone to shit. Sure, it will take a while to cut things back and figure out how fast the grass grows, but sooner or later you just have to mow on schedule and things work out fine.
Do you have a plan for Inbox Zero? Have you tried out something like this? What's your favorite color for late night summoning?
Let me know in the comments or at contact@bannedlibrary.com for all your library questions.
Everyone needs to check their email if you live in the 21st century. You might need to pay an electric bill or send a crazy conspiracy message to your grandchildren. Despite this need of the modern person, many are unsure how to perform this task. Read the following instructions to check your email like a professional email person in the emailroom of big businesses like Amazon and Wal-mart without asking a person born post-2000, regardless of their obligation to you as a family member (although it would be a whole lot cooler if you did*).
One of the hardest things to learn about email is that it exists as a digital nothingness. There's no physical envelope to cut open. There's no postage to save like a silly person. There's not even paper. To find a computer in the pandemic, maybe ask your family or friends or see if there's a computer browser on your smartphone.
Honestly, before we even begin, have three things: some way to access the internet, your email address, and your password.
The big three computer browsers (so named because they are used to "browse" the internet like a drunken dad at a Chuck E Cheese buffet) are Chrome, Mozilla, and whatever Microsoft is pushing these days**. The most used browser is Chrome, so use that. It looks like a circle with green, red, and yellow around a blue dot. Mostly if the thing that opens up is advertising something, you probably got close.
At the top of the browser, type the name of your email (also called a "domain")***. You will recognize the domain because it is at the end of your email behind the @ symbol. For example, "contact@bannedlibrary.com" is the library's email address, and "bannedlibrary.com" is the domain. Your email address domain will probably be one of the following: gmail.com, hotmail.com, outlook.com, or mail.com.
Once the computer browser does its thing, you should be taken to the website of the domain. If you are taken to an all-white screen with a list of shit on it, that's Google. Click something that looks like what you tried to type. On this screen, look for the word "Login." Click on that word. Only that word.
You may be taken to a new screen asking for your email address. Click on the line where it wants you to type your email address. Type your email address. Make the @ symbol by holding down the"shift" key and typing "2."**** Make sure there are no spaces. If there is no line for a password, click whatever button you see that says something like "continue*****."
Click the empty space provided for the password, and type your password. If you do not remember your password, we will be providing you with instructions soon to reset your password. Maybe you wrote it down? Look around at the stuff in your pockets. Either way, nobody but you and the company whom you email with knows or cares about your password. The librarian did not do shit with it.
Anyway, after typing your password, click whatever button you see that says something like "continue*****."
If you now see a list of even more advertisements, congratulations! That's your email. Now read through each one and if it feels like it's selling something it is! Even the emails you need will read that way, except maybe important ones. Those will be sent to your "Spam" folder, so check that, too.
* If you get stumped at any point, just go find a young person and try not to get angry or cry while asking them for help.
** Microsoft had the first big browser with Internet Explorer and now uses Edge, but they both suck so hard they could pull a golf ball through a garden hose.
***For everyone saying, "well that's not really called a domain," shut the fuck up and teach your own grandma the Internet.
****Let go of both buttons before you keep typing.
***** ANY word that maybe resembles continue. Go, Yes, Forward, Make It So, Click Here You Dumb Bastard******.
****** Fun fact, the original line from Casablanca was "Play it again, you dumb bastard." No fooling.
Everyone, even librarians, have library fines. Even if you have never used a library card a fine has been added to your soul in terms of your humanity. The items in the library, the value of them, are counted as a piece of civilization. What can that be worth if those items are not returned? Here are the steps if a library book is never returned.
Right out the gate, you are charged a fine. A flat fee of ten cents a day. There is a cap of five dollars per item so do not worry about breaking the bank.
After three months, however, an item must be replaced. A fair market value of a replacement will be assessed and charged to the patron. A small fee of five dollars is added to cover the cost of processing the lost item record and the new item. This fee is struck if the item is returned intact and the fine reverts to the five dollar amount. Replacements cannot be substituted.
Should an item never be returned and the cost of the item never paid, the library gods will assess the amount of time lost by the item from the community. This time will be deducted from the offending patron's life.
Some men pass before their time. The library gods await at the River Libros to collect from those unable to give the community's time back to them. They will render from those souls a payment of half before allowing the patron to cross into the Fields of the Never Return. Those partial souls will understand no great joy or knowledge of the universe as they wander those fields without ceasing until the gods turn the planes of existence cold.
Once the beauty of existence ends, the Fence of Phobos will be revealed around the Fields of Never Return. That fence will have a gate creak open to welcome those wandering souls. Those partial souls will be harvested, their heat gathered to power a new universe of infinite light and sound so that the full souls will be able to live once again.
Did anyone else know Willem Defoe is in this fucker?
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"I don't understand. Where did the money come from?" the children's librarian said.
The reference librarian leaned back and nodded to the circulation librarian out working the curbside table. "Her."
"She's barely been here two weeks. Has she even met with the director?"
"Well, not her exactly. Seems our previous circulation staff budget was embellished by the tenure of our old coworker."
"She costs less so we get a new page."
"Bingo," the reference librarian said.
The children's librarian pushed back a lock of golden hair from her forehead. "Has anyone told Freddy?"
Before the reference librarian could respond, the circulation librarian called out to them. They rose and went outside.
"I'm so glad to meet you both," a woman said from across the curbside table. Older with a yellow baseball cap and a matching mask. "My daddy loved you both so much. Talked about you all the time. He passed away yesterday in his sleep."
The librarians introduced themselves. The children's librarian took the lead, saying, "I'm so sorry, but who was your father?"
"You must think me silly. Sheila Anchor. My daddy was Ansel Anchor."
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss," the children's librarian said. "Seems so sudden. He was just here this weekend."
"That art class made his toes curl. He talked about framing that picture he drew. We couldn't find it, though. Is it still here?" Sheila said.
The reference librarian said, "It could be in the meeting room. The art teacher left her supplies and things."
A severe looking man with gray hairs and no mask on his face said, "Excuse me. Don't mean to break up the memorial service, but I need some damn books."
The circulation librarian waved to him. They began talking at the other end of the table.
The children's librarian said, "We can go check."
The reference librarian hesitated, but she took his arm. They went inside. As they crossed to the meeting room, he said, "Shouldn't someone stay out there with Julie?"
"You wanna see what they painted in there?"
"Fair enough."
"Seems odd him dying like that."
"Old man dies in his sleep. Not that odd. Pleasant, really," the reference librarian said unlocking the meeting room door.
She said, "How will we know which is his?"
"Check for the signature 'Old Cranky Bastard' down at the bottom."
Except the meeting room was empty. No art supplies. No canvases. No paints. No easels. Nothing in the small kitchen either.
The reference librarian said, "Maybe she took it out the fire door?"
"Without a key? We would have heard the alarm," the children's librarian said.
Back at the table, they explained the art teacher must have the paintings and again offered their condolences. Sheila Anchor left, thanking them for treating her father so well during his last days. They promised to talk to the art teacher and put them in touch.
At the other end of the table, the maskless man said, "I don't have to. I been vaccinated so just give me my damn books."
"I still need your card number, sir. Or your name," the circulation librarian said.
The man stuck his finger in the librarian's face. "I'm gonna get you." His finger drifted to each of them. "All of you. I been vaccinated."
Then he left. The librarians were speechless.
