7 Books You Can Lie About Reading During Quarantine

Here's a thought: instead of telling people you sat around all day in quarantine picking your navel while Brooklyn 99 played in the background for the tenth time, why not lie? Friend comes on chat, asks what you've been up to, and you just make some shit up. But do not get in there with "gardening" or "organized my potato drawer," really be impressive. Here are seven books you can say you read that various people might be impressed that you hunkered down and completed when really you were curled in a ball on the floor cry-screaming about Jake and Amy getting their shit together.

Da Vinci Code

Got an aunt that loves to tell you all about how she went to the grocery store and gives you an itemized list of every goddamn grape she ate while waiting maskless in line? Tell her you finally read her favorite book. Will you have to listen as she gushes about numbers and Jesus sex? Yeah, but you also won't have to listen to her talk about how Q might be a lizard queen taking over the gov-ment.

Winds of Winter (or Fire and Blood, nobody cares)

Listen, Game of Thrones nerds: nobody read the fucking books. When I say nobody, I mean maybe a couple hundred of you and the last two confused the shit out of you because nobody dropped that "parallel plot" knowledge outside of reddit. So if you hear somebody say they are all caught up with the show and read the last two books, just nodd and say, "Yeah, just like the show" because nobody will fucking care outside of some listicle if the books ever do come out.

The Oxford English Dictionary

Just tell someone you read this fucker because you're a baller, champ. Watch as they either struggle to understand what you said or just nod and say "cool" because they weren't listening to you at all. Most people won't push it and if they do, just remember that your new favorite word in the OED is "fuggedaboutit."

Gone With The Wind

Maybe you watched the movie. Maybe you sat down and did a comprehensive deep dive on the entire text on a podcast. Maybe you remember some quotes and something about a dress made of drapes. No matter what your relationship is with this giant tome of American Literature is, there's no way you came away with anything other than you don't give a damn. Telling people you read it and saying "it's just like the movie" is good enough.

The Holy Bible

Got a religious uncle or some weird cousin in the family that likes to quote scripture? Just tell them you went through the whole thing and whatever they are saying is out of context. Then quote this: "How fair and pleasant you are, O loved one, delectable maiden! You are stately as a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters. I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its branches." That's Song of Solomon and yeah, it's about fucking.

Infinite Jest

Nobody has ever read this and understood it all. The easiest book in the world to lie about. Anyone who says different is lying and deserves to only read this book.

The Secret of the Old Clock

Nancy Drew was on all our shelves growing up, unless you liked the Hardy Boys. In that case, they were pretty much the same thing, spun out by a writing mill with the same care and wonder as a pair of Crocs from Wal-mart. If someone questions you, just say "Oh, I wanted to feel young again" and then change the subject. The person may not be impressed, but they will think you did not waste your time because there's no way they read anything other than twitter or their HR policy to find out if work-from-home means "eight hours of email maintenance."