Killing a Swallow

All kinds of people come to the reference desk with their minds bursting with questions. Do you have tax forms? How did the local sports team do at the recent sports match? Paper or boxers?

     An old man came to me and the following conversation happened:

Old Man: I need a book on the African swallow.

Confused Reference Librarian (smiling): Big Monty Python fan?

OM: This is not a joke, son. I want books about swallows. That's a bird. A python is a snake.

CRL: Sure. Sorry. What kind of information do you need?

OM: Nosy, ain't you?

CRL: We have lots of books on birds. I want to make sure I get you what you need.

OM: I guess that's all right. I need to kill it.

CRL: Kill it?

OM: End their life. Make them no more. Cause them to cease to be. Dead, son.

CRL: Are you sure you are not talking about Monty Python's Flying Circus?

OM: I have never been to a circus. Snake, bird, or otherwise. Unless you count the Franklinton Fair in 1997. Please find me the weakness to the African swallow that lives in my car.

CRL: You have a bird living in your car?

OM: Damn lot of questions for someone supposed to be answering them. Lives rent free, if you must know. 

CRL: I must, I must. How did the bird get in your car?

OM: I drove to Africa, and I guess I left the window open when I stopped at an Arby's. Laid eggs inside the glove box.

CRL: Could you wait a moment while I step in the back? I'm having trouble with this computer. Just want to make sure it's me.

OM: Sure. Bird ain't going nowhere.

Time passes as I compose myself in the back room. Then I got to library work, and I did my damn job.

CRL: Just so I'm sure. You drove to Africa from the United States and stopped at an African Arby's wherein a bird laid eggs in your car and one hatched. Now you are looking for a book that will tell you the weakness of that bird so that you may exterminate it.

OM: With extreme prejudice. It's a bitch to drive in the car. Flapping and such.

CRL: Have you tried opening a window?

OM: Of course. He raised it back up.

CRL: Had to ask. Well, sir, I found just the book for you. It's called "Identify and Eliminate: Global Bird Edition." Happy hunting.

OM: Libraries are amazing. Thank you. Can you look at this boil on my neck?

CRL: Nope. Go to the doctor.