Goblin Living Under Computer Lab Will Not Leave
In some ways, the library has always known about the goblin that lives under the computer lab. We built the lab without surveying. We ignored the constant clatter of pipes and low grumbles. We carried on without care and are now reaping the consequences of our failure to certify if the computer lab was or was not "goblin free."
Monday morning the reference librarian found the computer lab full of garbage. A litter of trash not only from the library dumpster but debris from the nearby field. Small muddy footprints lead to a concentration of these materials around a small hole in the far wall beside an outlet.
The reference librarian called the cleaning company. The library has employed Oscar's Clean All Places for after hours cleaning for the last decade with little complaint. The company checked back with our staff, and their employees stated the area was clear and no hole visible when they left.
The library director and the reference librarian closed the lab for the day. They cleaned up the trash and took note of the footprints. The muddy marks were about three inches long and an inch wide with four toes on each. The reference librarian said it might be a rat.
An empty soda can flew from the hole and hit the reference librarian in the head. "Could a rat do that, you [expletive]?" a high voice said.
The library director walked to the hole and told the voice to come out of there. The reference librarian rubbed his head where a small red welt was rising. The voice said, "You can go [expletive] yourself, you [long string of expletives]."
"I don't think I can do that," the library director said.
"Then you better [long string of expletives with other words thrown in to give meaning and context]," the voice said.
The reference librarian left to find a stick for poking into the hole.
The director asked the gnome to refrain from using language. Kids were in the building. Old ladies would complain. Now who was this person in the hole? Come out or the reference librarian would start poking. The reference librarian had come back with a pool cue from the library bar night.
A small creature with large ears and shiny pale bald head climbed from the hole. It was naked, impressively so.
The director remained calm and pulled every ounce of customer service ability from his past. He gave a half smile, asking the creature's name and if the library would do anything.
"I am Gurt, of the goblin army. Retired. You can get the… you can leave my home. It's been years. Your kind usually die or leave by now but it's all [half an expletive]... it's all the stomping and the clicking and clopping. Just go."
The director explained the purpose of the computer lab. Of the library. The director talked for a while and the goblin listened. The creature was patient and considerate of the words. When the director finished, the goblin said, "So it's either I learn to live with you lot, or I move. Well, [expletive]. I'll just dig deeper. I'll leave you all be, but if one of you comes in my space. If I so much as see a pokey bit, I'll burn this whole place and eat your flesh from the inside out. I'll salt the earth from the underside."
The director felt this was amiable. The reference librarian did not. The director said there would be noise while they fixed the hole, if Gurt could try and repair the soil below so no child would find their way below. The goblin agreed and the reference librarian descended but all walked away displeased.