The library's Christmas shopping list

The library is counting down the days until Christmas and wants to let you know what you can give us. We've been all around town and have located dozens of items for our list. Here are a few.

"Tits out Miss Piggy Bank" is the number one item on our list for collecting fines and overall just lightening up the children's desk.

"Suck It Monkey" will be a delightful addition to our reference collection.

By hiring "Drunken Italian Stereotype," we feel our Books and Dinner programs will have the best food available.

Nuff said.

The library needs a mentor and what better to lead us than a figure from our past?

The library needs to show children with "The Boy Who Didn't Believe" that if you don't believe in things, a fat bearded man will kidnap you.

Can't go wrong with a box of hammers.

Zombie Santa wants us as much as we want him.

Again, the children's desk is looking a little drab. Can't you help us lighten it up with the flintlock lamp?

Don't think we didn't forget about the Circulation Department's voodoo doll collection.

Nothing wrong with a sexual representation of Mr. And Mrs. Clause.

Just cause.

If you don't have a bucket of leering Santas on your wish list, whose dick are you trying to suck?

We round out the list with our favorites: What if Santa was a Muppet...

and what if Mrs. Clause needed some sex?