Blade Runner 2049 (2017) Movie Review: Gorgeous, Loud, and Slooooowwww

I might have a sleeping problem. Put me in a dark room with a big screen and I go all Kevin Bacon in Stir of Echoes. Total hypnotism. You could probably even make me like the Blade Runner franchise.

    I get it. Don't tell me I don't get it. Far flung future with robot-lite slaves who want to be free. A noir-ish person who hunts them down and in the case of the narrative stumbles upon giant questions. Gorgeous visuals. Striking sound. Acting above reproach. Everything about Blade Runner and the sequel are amazing.

    I just don't give a shit. All that, for me, adds up to a nearly three hour nap. If Zimmer's score wasn't there to jolt me and the people two blocks away out of their seats with a giant "BUH-WAAAAAAA" every ten minutes or so, I might have just been in a park. There might have been less contact with sticky floors.

    The deep existential questions about being and not being, creation and life, those all got me back with Thoreau and any other navel gazer I happened to read in college. Just because they are wrapped up science fiction hopes and dreams doesn't make them more appealing to me.

    But hey, that's me. If you love a gorgeous movie well acted that asks all the big questions while taking its time, you'll love the hell out of Blade Runner.

Murder on the Orient Express (2017) Movie Review: Shit Goes Down on a Train, Y'all

Man, you ever loved something and had someone you loved involve themselves with that thing and then… Eh? Just falls short just a little? Not great as you hoped? Welcome to life, Sad Sally, you just became a little more adult.

    Agatha Christie's classic story of a murder on a train plays out pretty straight in the 2017 Kenneth Branagh adaptation. There's a train, period appropriate clothing, actors acting their assess off, all that stuff. Sure, they threw in some sex and violence because we're different today and that's fine. Nothing much changed there.

    Just a little problem… Poirot. Not Branagh's performance. Dude acts the shit out of everything. He was even great in Wild Wild West and that's a giant pile of poo. His Poirot, however, is off. Here, the character is played like TV's Monk with a dead wife and random order problems. In the books, he's more like TV's House with being an asshole who happens to be smart. It changes a lot of things and I just can't get over it.

    Still, though, this was a fun night out. The acting really is great. I mean, I really wanted to kill Johnny Depp and root for Daisy Ridley as a hero. That's never happened before. Neither of them.

Happy Death Day (2017) Movie Review: This Ain't Your Momma's Groundhog Day, Sonny

A world exists where you are dead. Someone or something killed you, just for shits and giggles. The world is a dark and dangerous place. Or happier. I don't know you.

    So what would happen if you could remember that world? What if when that thing or person killed you, you got to start over like in Groundhog Day, reliving the day again? That's how Tree (Rothe, and yeah, that's the character's name) finds herself on her birthday.

    Go see this movie. Not because it's the best movie of the year, but because I want more movies like this. If you haven't already, go see this movie and then go on Netflix and watch The Babysitter as a double feature because I want more fun horror movies out there.

    You know how murder movies normally have disposable, hateful characters that you want to die at the killer's hands as soon as possible? This movie has that. Then the shitty character dies… and dies again… and again… and then learns not to be shitty. It's really damn good for what it is, it knows what it is, and it let's things play out like they will.

    Will you guess the killer? Sure. Will you care? I dunno, you're you. You know if that kind of shit matters to you. I just enjoy well told, solid movies that have laughs and jumps.

Burn After Reading (2008) Movie Review: You don't know shit. Or the shit.

You find a CD full of secrets and are in need of a great deal of money. Let's say your daughter needs surgery. If you don't have a daughter, let's say you need surgery. If you would just let yourself die, well, then, fuck you I'm not talking to you, print this out and give it to someone who cares.

    What I'm saying, you find government secrets. What do you do? Turn them in? Try to get some money for them?

    That's the situation in this Coen Brothers blackest of black comedies. Linda (McDormand) and her dumbass friend Chad (Pitt) go after the money of Cox (Malkovich) not knowing he has no money. Also George Clooney is fucking everybody. I don't remember his characters name.

    This is the best version of a fiasco, summed up in the end by a character asking another what the hell was going on the whole time, something I'm sure the audience is meant to ask. The other character shrugs. Such is life.

    Should you watch this movie? I'm supposed to tell you this, but I don't know you. You might like straightforward, white hats and black hats fighting it out and ending in a kiss and a quip. But this ain't James Bond. This is Frank Bond, the lesser Bond film that might have one time written a song for a soundtrack but otherwise rambles on until its done.

I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House (2016) Movie Review: So Much Title, Space is Jelly

A quiet dark hallway and a score that lumbers along as a character and camera creep along waiting… The house sits and allows you to feel alone with Lily as she cares for the aging horror novelist. Then I fell asleep.

    That's not saying this movie is bad. I fall asleep in a lot of movies. It's winter and when the lights are low and I'm comfortable, I just slip away. It pisses off my ladyfriend.

    My sleep habits have nothing to do with the movie I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House, the longest title that I have to keep looking up. Just go to typing and I'm like, "What' the name of that house movie with the lady in it? The pretty one? Fuckin 'The Pretty Lady That Hangs Out in the Crib'? Or 'I Am the Person Living Around the Block With My Gran.' Whatever, Google."

    What can I say about this movie? That it's well shot, well acted, well edited, well lit, well written, well well aren't we fancy, well in the well. I can say all that and get away with it because it's true.

    So when I talk about the name, the biggest problem with the movie, I'm only saying that because when I tell people, I don't like saying "You'll love the hell out of this quiet thriller named 'This Lady Lives in a House and Sees Ghosts But Maybe Not." Fucking hard to remember, that.

For a Good Time Call (2012) Movie Review: Do You Like Phone Sex?

When I need money, I'm gonna totally start up with selling some sex. Except my Amazon erotica ain't selling. Maybe I should be a lady or get some talent. That's what Lauren and Katie learn in this love letter to phone sex.

    In this movie… You know what? I'll just quote imdb:

"Former college frenemies Lauren and Katie move into a fabulous Gramercy Park apartment, and in order to make ends meet, the unlikely pair start a phone sex line together."

    Let's break this down to see if you want to watch this movie:

    Do you use the non-word "frenemies?"

    Do you hate seeing privileged white girls live in elaborate apartments in New York City's super rich apartment?

    Do you believe that privileged white girls would have so much difficulty finding work they would have to get into phone sexery?

    Do you think two white girls who would both use the term "frenemy" an "unlikely pair?"

    And there's all the phone sex and use of Justin Long saying "cock." I mean, I think he said it. He's the token gay character so he should have.

    If you said "no" to any of these sentences, well, maybe go watch Thor Ragamuffin again. There's no nudity here.

1922 (2017) Movie Review: How I'd Get Away With Murder

How would you get away with murder? Would you talk your son into helping you kill your wife so she doesn't sell her land and leave you wanting in a world that is moving on? If so, wow, very specific of you. You're just like Thomas Jane in 1922.

    This atmospheric re-telling of both Poe's The Tell Tale Heart and Lovecraft's Rats in the Walls succeeds on every level. The characters start likeable and quickly become monsters as circumstances based on their oown actions snowball into hell. Jane's mumbling Wilfred conives his way into your heart as you lean closer just to hear what bullshit he's mumbling.

    That being said, I'm not gonna kill anyone no matter what this movie wants me to do. But if I did…

    If I had access to a corn field that wasn't ready to harvest any time soon, that's where I'd bury the body.

    If I had a son, I'd totally tell the dad of the girl he's seeing to keep an eye on my son and their daughter.

    If my son run oft with his prego baby-mama, kid's dead to me. Fuck that kid. Seriously, fuck that kid with a pineapple.

    If a rat bit me, I'd get that looked at. Right away. Cause farm rats gross, bro.

Little Miss Sunshine (2006): Vacation Without Chevy Chase

What more can be said about road movies featuring families? Get a bunch of wacky characters together in a confined space with a vast land to give a variety of adventures and let them go. Too bad this was done to perfection thirty-four years ago and repeated to death so much that my heart is a cold, stony ground from which no love of the family travel movie will grow.

Little Miss Sunshine is the story of a family driving to a beauty pageant two states away. Dad (Kinnear) is having money troubles. Brother (Dano) is a silent wreck. Uncle (Carrel) just got out of the hospital for suicide. Grandpa (Arkin) is a foul mouth mess. Mom (Collette) is dealing with all these assholes. While on the way, they learn to be a family again.

On the surface, a great film with a lot of heart. The ending dance number is inspired, the path every character takes is earned, and damn that kid is cute as a button. But my heart is closed to the love and admiration they give each other. For they are not Griswolds.

My family took road trips every summer. My dad, mom, sister, and I would pile into the car and drive. We went to amusement parks, national forests, and one time a castle. My memories of my experiences tie with deep recognition the John Hughes classic tale of a family traveling. At the end of our journeys, surely, no lessons were learned other than the world continues. The family abides. Death is near.

The black specter follows us all. As one passes on, more follow. Each of us has a time and that time is unknown, be it on the road or within our hearts. Cold silence follows and the future will crumble like rain in the darkness.

A nice little movie about a family, Little Miss Sunshine passes the time in a delightful hour and a half. The enjoyable plot will not remind you that chaos is inevitable and each of us is falling toward the depth of horror. Hold each other close and muffle the screams with hugs.

Thor Ragnarok (2017) Review: Lest We Mock The Elder Gods

When we at the library think of gods, we do not envision humans with human squabbles. Gods cannot be dreamed of on screens and images. Thor and his Asgardian pals are not gods no matter what thunder or death they can cause. They are beings of flesh and therefore lacking.

Thor Ragnarok has the Marvel God of Thunder (Hemsworth) facing off against Hela, the Goddess of Death (Blanchet), along with Hulk (Ruffalo), Valkyrie (Thompson), and Loki (Hiddleston). First beaten and savaged, Thor finds himself tossed on a gladiator planet where he triumphs and gathers his forces. At no point does a true god of thought and desire enter the picture to tear asunder such pitiful wants and desires.

Our usual Marvel gang are enjoying themselves, dancing around the acting and jokes and crazy plot with abandon. The three newcomers to the MCU are the standouts, however. Tessa Thompson is standout as Valkyrie, giving a strange pathos to what could have been a depressing character. Cate Blanchett rules the screen as the goth queen, giving some much needed good villainy to Marvel's usual bland evildoers. And Jeff Goldblum is at his extreme Jeff Goldblumiest. None, however, can hold a candle to those gods that live beyond thought, time, and dreams and scream into endless voids the sounds of creation.

A much wackier take than the previous Thor films, Ragnarok allowed director Taika Waititi to stretch. The overall plot is basic MCU (bad guy shows up, good guy has challenge, giant space hole, and violence), but within characters are beaten and broken as if they are in a cartoon. With gods and monsters, you can play with indestructible forces for only so long until they turn on you, notice you, and tear your mind from your body like a cork from a bottle.

Overall, a great film but a horrific depiction of gods. No fear or reverence exists in this tale. May the elder ones never see how we mock them.

Moana (2016) Review: No More Heroes or Dead People

Meeting your heroes is tough. When the library met documentary comic writer/painter Eric Powell, we stared at the ground a lot and mumbled how much he meant to us. When Moana of the movie Moana meets her hero, he's a dick.

Eric Powell was not a dick. When we met the Night Raven, she was a dick. More on that later.

Moana, the movie, is about a young island girl, Moana, who leaves her island despite the warnings to find an ancient demigod and get him to fix the world he broke. She does. The end.

First of all, the music, voices, and effects are amazing. Catchy tunes written by the Hamilton writer Lin Manuel Miranda will invade your skull and you will say "You're Welcome." Dwayne "That Guy" Johnson and newcomer Auli'i Cravalho star as Maui and Moana and kick ass at talking into microphones. And the water and the chicken. You will believe a chicken can be stupid.

Second of all, again, not one bit of murder. Look, I understand that there's Disney right there on the box. But at least in some Disney movies a villain can be trusted to get killed or kicked off a mountain. What happens here? Well, spoiler alert. It doesn't.

When we went to the library conference and met the Night Raven, we all knew we could die. And some of us made it out.

Don't meet your heroes, you know?

Battle of the Sexes (2017) Review: Not Even a Hint of Blood

The library went down to the theater and saw the Battle of the Sexes. This was not the movie we expected. Not one person lost their life. Not even so much as a drop of blood.

    Battle of the Sexes, despite the name, is about a 1973 tennis match between Billie Jean King (Stone) and Bobby Riggs (Carell). At no time do King and Riggs do battle in any type of arena attempting to kill or maim each other. Mostly, they hit small green fuzzy balls at each other.

    That's not to say the movie is worthless. The acting is amazing as everyone involved steps up to deliver tour de force performances and… You know what? I'm still bummed about the violence thing.

    Sure, there's sex, but it's the "oh I'm finding my true self and making important social change" type of sex. King's fight for equality is well represented on screen as she excelled at tennis with her fellow women tennis players despite overwhelming odds. She also finds love outside of the devotion she had in her first marriage. Good for her.

    But when I watch a movie with the word "battle" in the title, I wanna see some guts. Blood and shit and people screaming each other's names in ecstasy because tomorrow they might just die violent and horrific deaths. And I didn't get that. I just got a well acted, well written, socially minded film filled to the brim with talent and hope.

    Fucking hope.

     Gross.