The Worst Library on the Internet
Y'all ever seen a ghost? None of that "I was sitting in Pop-pop's favorite chair and felt a chill" shit. Pop-pop put his chair there because of the cold draft. He was used to it, liked it, and is not trying to tell you where his gold stamps are. So shut that shit.
Read MoreI walked into The Fall Guy with hope in my heart. I wanted fun action entertainment, and overall I got what I wanted.
Read MoreI was reading this book, Hidden Pictures by Jason Rekulak. Overall it’s a well written if rote little story about an ex-addict finding herself in charge of a young rich boy with a ghost as an imaginary friend. Story old as time.
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Image owned by Sony or somebody who might sue if I don’t write this
With the upcoming Ghostbusters: Getting Cold I Guess coming this summer, I've been thinking about my own history with the franchise. I didn't watch most of it, mainly skipping the cartoons, and did not like about half of what I saw. So with that being said and setting up a nice little list, here are the things I remember about the franchise that meant something to me at some time or another.
The one that started it all and the images that appear in my mind when you say the word "Ghostbusters." A stone cold classic in comedy and horror, the film masterfully mixes the two to create an entertaining and inventive film about a bunch of libertarian assholes who run a supernatural exterminator business. The fundamental flawed premise that "regulation is bad" also gives a pretty good look into the 1980s and how we got to a place where corporations are busting ghosts without any thought to environmental or global impacts. Hell, we even got the walking dead running on both sides for the presidency forty years after this movie's release. I love this flawed film from the chain smoking schlubby heroes to the BDSM sexual tones of the final act.
I remember disliking this cartoon when it first came out. None of the characters sounded or looked like the movie, and Slimer was elevated to the position of Scooby-Doo (eating and talking bullshit while being afraid of horrors). But it had one thing that most cartoons did not at the time: existential dread and monsters that posed a genuine threat not only to those that bust them but to the world at large. Even the toys were terrifying transmogrifications of everyday items. The Lovecraftian cosmic horror on display extended not only into the afterlife but to the containment unit the busters used as a ghost jail, making them gods of science and hellish jailers.
The first of the franchise I got to see in the theater. I was eight years old and have no memory of the actual experience. I remember talking to friends about it, though, and we all reached the consensus that maybe some movies are not as good as others? This was not the first time critical analysis had reached us (Jewel of the Nile was skipped if it played after Romance and the Stone), but all the slime and the baby stuff skipped right over our heads like a pond over rocks. The feel-good ending, while providing a great sing-a-long, fell away from the grimy original's pessimistic working class attitude. Looking back now, as a sequel it tried new things, but in general failed at furthering the story of the characters.
After skipping all the cartoon series and whatever other media I have little awareness of, I was brought back by the notion that this game would do several things: bring back the original cast, forward the story from the original, mix the comedic and horror elements, allow me to wield a proton pack, and wreck shit. The cast was there, the plot updated the story, and proton streams flowed like water. Was the game good? Eh, I have little memories of drunkenly stumbling my way after one buster or another to hear dialog and explore the weird hallways that filled most first person shooters in the late 2000s. I remember this being good and will not play it again to hold that memory.
Look. Online discourse for this movie sucked, and it got way more hate than it deserved. That being said, I hate this movie. It had a great cast and crew, the bones of a solid story, and decades of special effects progression working for it. All of that turned into an indulgent mess as unfunny (or sometimes very funny but misplaced) scenes went on and on with the cast making themselves laugh without thinking about the story they were telling or the characters they were portraying. It's fine to reboot a series and make it your own, but a fairly grounded but silly premise was turned into a Thursday night improv training exercise. Not one of the characters felt like real people or had anything interesting to do, leaving behind the world weary cynical view of the original to create a Disney attraction level of neon ghosts and wacky hijinks. Everyone here can and should have created a better product (which they did a few years earlier with Bridesmaids). That being said, the final battle where they punch ghosts and lick their weapons and everything is very stupid yet fun to watch.
I want every movie I see to succeed, especially in franchises I love. The trailers for this movie showed no New York City, no original busters, and everything covered in dust. Then it had little marshmallow men, and I hated that. After seeing the movie, I still hate the little marshmallow men, but this stupid movie made me cry. While not great, it does not try to be more than it is. It builds on the original mythology, brings back some horror by adding children, and brings back the weird sexiness by proving that Egon actually had sex (weird) and that the evil green dog things can still possess people and cause weird apocalypse bondage sex. That's not what made me cry, by the way. What did that was the heavy dose of nostalgia near the end, a reminder of things I loved and the near-familial connections that can form between artists and audiences. We mourn when creators are taken from us and rejoice at the memory of them being honored, even if they have to cart out his corpse in CGI on IMAX to do so. Also, please rename "Podcast."
And that is where we are, waiting until summer to see if things can continue without bringing the fee-fees or if Bill Murray will get the death he has wanted since Ghostbusters II (yeah, he died in 2016, but it wasn't Venkman so it doesn't count). The way he seems so chipper and engaged we might actually get to see that happen.
Stop me if you've heard this one: clumsy smart girl and kind but aloof guy hook up but due to a misunderstanding hate one another until they don't. Both are ridiculously hot and don't kiss until the script says they are supposed to. Mix in some quirky friends, a romantic locale, and a dog. What you get is one of the most charming romantic comedies I've seen in a while.
At this point I normally summarize the movie, then give my general thoughts on the acting, directing, and story. Fuck that. I liked this movie. It's by the numbers romcom, but oozes sincerity and a happy vibes all around. There's moments where things might go a little dull, some acting that is covered by most of the cast in swimsuits, but overall we need more of these kinds of cheerful flicks.
Because I don't wanna go into overanalyzing, here's some notes I took while watching.
An actual R-rated adult comedy. I figured there would be the usual juvenile dick and fart humor (it's there) but for the most part this movie is about adults who are wildly attractive who often take their clothes off. Not fully most of the time, but I'm surprised at how much I'm surprised by this. It fulfils the old saying "naked is not having clothes on, nekkid means you're up to something" by having just enough skin to have fun.
(That’s a Lewis Grizzard quote. He was a humorist in the 80s and 90s, but also an older Southern guy with many conservative values that did not age well. Reader beware.)
The supporting cast, let's be honest, are exposition machines. Based on Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing, there's plenty of machinations by at least one side of the family to get these kids together if only so they don't spoil the wedding everyone is attending. A lot of it is silly, but the people involved sell it. Especially GaTa who gets most of the biggest laughs with his asides.
I actually wanted these two to get together. Like I looked up after if Sydney Sweeney and Glenn Powell were gonna make super adorable babies. They each have relatable issues that keep them apart, but when they actually talk (a romcom wherein people communicate but still have issues, huh) the characters do connect and care for one another beyond wanting to take off what little clothes they wear.
The boat scene, from the dance to the buoy to singing on a helicopter, made my day. I liked seeing them dance, seeing the family react to the corny shit, and seeing them come together while in peril. It's a bunch of mini-scenes that tie together these two without feeling inorganic to the story. And they went "full on Titanic" getting in the water, a line that made me laugh.
I know it's overused in romantic comedies. You know it's overused in romantic comedies. But fuck it, one partner chasing down the other to profess their love… Man that shit hits. Part of me wonders why. Do we all want to be chased or to chase, to give that grand dramatic gesture that says "I actually ran to find you." Or is running, out of breath running to find someone symbolic of love in general? I dunno, but it works.
A little running line is that her dad hurt himself getting on a bus to see the Eiffel Tower with her mom, still going because she wanted to see it. My dad passed away a few months ago, and that was my parents love language. One of them would ask to go, to do, to have an experience, and the other would make it happen. It made me cry a little.
If you would have told me that the movie about a swimming pool that eats people would be boring, I probably would have believed you. I still would have watched it because I love a high concept silly premise and enjoy horror enough to devour any weird flick that makes it to theaters. Night Swim does no favors to the cast, crew, or even the B movie premise and might as well have been about a toilet.
Looking for a home after a diagnosis that ends his baseball career, Ray Waller moves his family into a house with a cool pool out back. The Wallers love their new home and start to put down roots, but it turns out the spring that fills with pool is full of evil that promises greatness if only it has a sacrifice. Cue possessions and pain that can only come from the idea "what if the Amityville Horror house had a pool?"
The cast here is fine. Somebody needs to get Wyatt Russell a better agent because he is better than most things he has been a part of. Kerry Condon plays his wife Eve damn well, and I loved her in The Banshees of Inisherin last year. Round out the cast with an angsty teen girl (Hoeferle) who wants a boyfriend and a wide-eyed kid (Warren) who wants to live until his 12th birthday, and this family is believable as a unit. Any other drama and these four would have killed it. Every other supporting role is enjoyable and fun yet the product they find themselves in is not at all.
The problem seems to come with tone. This should have been a horror comedy the way the cast plays it at times. There's menace here, especially when the evil begins to take hold, yet instead of The Shining we get Days of Our Lives. When Jack Torrence says "gimme the bat" to Wendy on the stairs, we feel like he's toying with her. When Ray tells his daughter "Baby, we already got help" as the pool is eating her brother, it's just silly. And that's okay, but it feels like what we are supposed to feel (dread) is being superseded by what we are seeing (wackiness).
The background of family trouble and the pool lies at the center of the tonal problem. I cared for the family (due to the acting, see above) and wanted them to be challenged. Yet rather than follow the drama, the plot about the evil pool needed to be adhered to so we get a wacky pool guy and a ditzy real estate agent leading to a confrontation that falls flat because that idea is the afterthought. Sure, the family drama ties into evil with dad's illness being slowly cured by the water. He wants something and will sacrifice to get it, but only because the water makes him. But evil water does not a good villain make. By the time we get the full reveal, it's too late. The monster is just the water. The family do not bind themselves together after being divided to triumph. They just make it out because the movie was about to be over, and it ran out of story.
I did not hate this movie. It was disappointing. Wait for this one to hit streaming if you want to see it, but save your theater cash for something more fun or dramatic or just interesting.
Beekeeping is a sacred art that I have only attempted during one playthrough of Stardew Valley. From what I understand, you cultivate a hive of insects that wish to kill you one and all and in return you get honey. In the world of Jason Statham, you protect society and those that are most vulnerable by destroying systems of oppression one can of gasoline at a time.
Statham plays The Beekeeper (with some general name like Max American Man, I forget, but BK from now on because I'm lazy), a retired covert murder machine who likes to relax in the country living a quiet life with his bees and friend Claire Huxtable. When Claire is scammed out of millions of dollars through a phishing scam and kills herself, BK takes it upon himself to murder everyone connected with the scam, burn down their buildings, and salt the earth with the tears of their loved ones. It's a hoot.
Part of the fun of the movie is the frantic and violent nature of this otherwise stupid John Wick knockoff. Our near silent protagonist stomps his way through mob-like assholes with ease. In one particularly good scene, a barn becomes a house of horrors right out of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Another assault on an office building shows a pretty creative use of an elevator to dispatch a man in a way that would make Jason Voorhees slow clap. Good thing we are still rooting for the killer.
There's very little "acting" from Statham. Not to say the man is not fun to watch, and these stunts are impressive as hell from a man proven to be fun to watch beating nine hells out of Fast and/or Furious on any given day, but growling your way through each encounter leaves a lot of nuance on the floor. To compare (which we should not, but we are), Keanu Reeves's John Wick had moments of grief and silent fury reflecting the death of his wife and dog in a rampage that left him battered and bloody until the next movie. The script gives BK little to work with but righteous anger. It's pretty spot on, though, and I applaud him for it.
The surrounding cast can be hit and miss as well. They all do a fine job if only for the script. Emmy Raver-Lampman and Bobby Naderi do a fine job as the FBI agents attempting to make sense of the carnage, kinda odd when it was Raver-Lampman's mom who got scammed that started all this. That they have to be reminded often "this man is an elite killer from a murder program so hardcore it murdered its way out of history" makes them bumbling, though. They get a few hero moments, but mostly follow the carnage and explain to us what we already know.
The villains are at the same time memorable but forgettable. At the top of the food chain are Jeremy Irons getting that house payment check and Josh Hutcherson having fun acting as the biggest asshole in the world. The rest are either a sea of mooks with destiny dates with elevators or mid-level scam operators that work more like scenes from Wolf of Wall Street. It's fun but forgettable to watch them all die. Well, there's one more, Jemma Redgrave crushing it at the end with an actual sincere bit of acting that felt out of place in this "root for the monster" movie.
In the end, The Beekeeper is a solid "I'm too hungover to change the channel" action flick. I miss these types of movies, the kind that played on HBO or edited on TBS in the middle of the day to fill time until something more prestigious could be played. Just a chunky little action movie that will stop you from yawning so you can go to bed at a reasonable hour.
Overall, this year kinda sucked. That's this librarian talking, of course, not an overview of the entire thread. It started with me being so stressed out by a relationship and my job that I got checked out by a hospital when my heart started racing out of control. It ended with my dad dying and all the things that came with that. The cream center of that dark cookie bullshit was a long stretch of depression cycles wherein I would feel great for two weeks and then crash.
At least there's bourbon and edibles and Playstation 5, amIright?
Anyway, here's the things I liked in 2023:
Hey, I like movies. Pretty good year all around. My highest rated was Spider-Man: Across the Spider-verse, just a pleasure and delight that pushed animation forward like no other movie has, although Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem was a close second. For the popular crowd, of course Barbie, Oppenheimer, Wonka, and Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 were damn good. John Wick: Chapter Four might have been the best time I had in the cinema this year. For the movie that came out of nowhere, I have Bottoms because I have thought about this absurd sex comedy more than I thought I would.
I only read three books that were released (at least in the format I read them, get off my ass) in 2023. The first was How to Sell a Haunted House by Grady Hendrix, a fun and wild little horror about things close to home and all the puppet murder you can get. Then there was The Spite House by Johnny Compton, another horror about a family barely hanging on in a house that is not theirs. The last was Don't Fear the Reaper by Stephen Graham Jones that twisted itself a little too much at times but I still enjoyed it.
I broke down and bought a PS5 this year primarily to play Baldur's Gate 3 and Spider-Man 2 and I did and they are great fun if wildly different. Mostly the rest of my year was Stardew Valley on the Switch.
Besides living in Mississippi for the last two months and not going crazy and platinuming Spider-Man 2? I started writing again. Sure, it's mostly dumb entries on this weird little website, but I take the time to get out of my head once in a while. That's a good thing.
Fuck, I don't know. It's like I'm making myself say where I think I'll be in five years. Five years ago I was moving to Seattle after a horrible break-up and putting my life together. Next year feels more like a hope than a dream, but I'll take what I can get.
And that's it. What's the best thing you did? What do you want to do?
I'm gonna go have some bourbon and an edible or five and sleep until the New Year. See you then.
Wonka starts off with a song from the first minute and flows from scene to scene with minor problems. A prequel of a kind, a young Willy Wonka wants to start a chocolate shop but is hindered by the machinations of a chocolate cartel that controls the police, the church, and the local economy. Willy uses the power of optimism and childlike magical realism to just hammer his way through obstacles and gain friends, played with charm and vigor by Timothee Chalamet. Everyone in the cast does a damn good job being quirky and somehow real despite the over the top nature of the production. The visuals only suffer from some rushed effects (including the dead stop that is the Oompa Loompa), but overall the movie is delightful with catchy songs and a new story that feels "Wonka." The references to the later stories are organic and well done, but the best is the leitmotif of Pure Imagination that caused me to tear up a little and pour one out for Gene Wilder in my heart and on the kid next to me. Overall a damn good time that's wholesome and needed, if not in the world than by me.
Shit starts right off with a song. No joke, I felt a little worried as he danced around like a foppish jack sparrow for the first few minutes on a ship. But then the song ended and he carried on, talking like a real person and stuff. And I liked him, not just as a handsome actor guy but as a character and person. Everyone does damn well twirling around with their songs. I like musicals in general, and while this one only had a few songs (the "World of Your Own" shop opening song was fun) that I remember, it just washed over me.
For some reason this kept coming to mind. The movie has an internal logic that's childish, magical, yet grounded. Wonka's chocolate, for example. Sure some of it has a bug in it that can make you fly, but another has some thunder and (something else, I forget) to bring hope while Wonka and Noodle talk about their future. Or the zoo scene with milking a giraffe that ends with the balloon dance. Light, beautiful, and a little silly if you think too hard about it.
Wonka here is a proto-version of what we know. That's gonna piss some people off, but I like that we don't know what he doesn't know. It's a surprise when he can't read or fucks up and gets tricked and hit. And that he has hope, a wish to share what his mother gave him. He's human, and I really liked that he could become the hermit with an army of small singing men but right now he's not.
I did not expect the class struggle that involved the church. Holy shit, that made me love this movie more. Including the scene with the funeral, Rowan Atkinson picking up the phone, "Hello, pulpit" as if he normally takes calls there. Then the guerilla, underground way our heroes have to organize to reach the people. Getting out their message like street preachers and food trucks until they can establish themselves and be the establishment.
Every time this little song played, I teared up a little. At the end when it played, I teared up a little. I love this song and they didn't fuck it up.
Hugh Grant does great, but the effect and the character in general sucks. The little man seems cut and pasted into shots, his little stupid costumes and outfits not fitting the overall feel of the story. It's like they just mashed him into the story as an afterthought. Just wrote the story out and then were like, "shit, we forgot the oompa loompas." Every time he came on screen, it stopped the story cold. You could cut the character, and it would be fine.
Welcome to this thing I'm gonna do for movies that I don't really have a lot of good things to say because they kinda just exist. This time, we're talking about Eli Roth's Thanksgiving, a horror movie so full of homages and solid kills that they decided that's all they needed.
When a man dressed as a pilgrim starts killing the survivors of a Black Friday sale a year later, a girl and her friends and some other people have to figure out who the pilgrim is before they also are killed. Will they succeed against the killer pilgrim when the store stays open, the town continues on like nothing is happening, and the adults are like "huh, some folks are dying?"
Let's call her Jessica - I can't remember her name, and I met a girl named Jessica last night so here we are. The final girl of the piece, she's the daughter of the store owner who opened his doors and created a massacre last Thanksgiving. She's got a love triangle that goes nowhere and a lot of friends who die.
Bunch of dead characters walking - Are they unlikeable? Do they not understand the true meaning of Thanksgiving? Probably gonna die.
Bunch of characters that are there - Do they have lines that seem like they could be the killer? Are they helpful to give Jessica and a dead character walking something to do? There they are, loving the shit out of Thanksgiving.
The Pilgrim - The killer is masquerading as John Carter or Carver or something pilgrim related made up for the movie. Or real, I'm not researching this. They have a fascination with Thanksgiving and hate for those that want to commercialize it. When the reveal happens, they've also got a solid reason for doing what they do. Plus, solid social networking skills on the 'Gram.
After the standard "oh no, people are dead but I'm the main final girl so I'll walk down this half-lit hallway away from the police" moment where the first "final girl on killer" attack happens, we get the best scene of the movie: the parade. Our pilgrim killer took some notes on the Joker and has an attack at a parade that's wild and surprising. This will be watched on Youtube for a month or so.
The killer gets revealed by some half-ass Agatha Christie by way of Scooby-Doo mistake. The person they have playing has fun and is fun to watch when they go all crazy, though. Very much Stu and Billy in Scream or Noxzema girl in Urban legend. You don't see that as much as you used to, and I kinda miss it. Then it's the standard "we can't find the body" to set up a sequel.
"There's a murder case at my dad's store. Let's not fuck around."
"Thank you, Chad" - after a reading by some guy with abs at school who girls fawn over
"He's just taking her to Florida" - after a girl's dad picks her up from an attack she survived
"He's out of it after too much white zinfandel the other night." - talking about wine like a heroin OD
"She's been cooking all day" about the person who gets cooked alive like a turkey
Not a kill, actually, but dunking someone in water and slamming them face first into a freezer door to hold them in place is creative. Never seen that before.
Random thoughts
So many homages - They just have shots and plot points cleverly taken or randomly inserted from Halloween, A Nightmare on Elm Street, My Bloody Valentine, Scream, Sleepaway Camp, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and so many more.
The accents of every character dip in and out of Massachusetts all the time. Even inside scenes. It's messy and distracting even if they were going for "this is how campy horror did it."
Several of the kills just take too long or move to different locations. Some are supposed to be building tension, but they just get dull because we've seen this kind of tension so many times. Probably works for those who have not seen much slasher content, but if you're watching Thanksgiving then you love horror not just seeing a movie on a lark.
The central mystery kind of loses its way. We're supposed to care about who the killer is, and we know the motive broadly because of the prologue. About halfway, though, we get some Scooby Doo level misdirections about the killer's identity and who was at the store that felt confusing rather than planting red herrings. We know who was at the store, why all the busy work?
A parent, hardcore rich Russian guy, says fuck this and tries to leave with his daughter to Florida. This is amazing, and I would have been delighted to never see her again. Except he takes the time to let her pack and hang out while he's listening to music on noise canceling headphones. I applaud the "let's get the fuck out" mentality, but it felt wasted and would have been refreshing for that character to have just gotten the fuck out by a parent who cared.
Villain origin stories are great! Seeing some bastard turn from a meek and kind child to monsterous psychopath for more interesting people to battle is quite the journey to take an audience on. Fun fact, though, maybe have the character change some and not display traits of a lying nutcase while telling a story that looks like it has twists and turns but really just has half-baked characters in the middle of a half-baked epic.
It's ten years after the Hunger Games have had children battling to the death for the amusement and punishment of the citizens who rebelled and about sixty-four years before Jennifer Lawerence kills people and Peeta decorates cakes. No one is watching the games, however, so the command demands that the graduating class make people interested. Enter Corny Snow, the future villain, to mentor Lacy Gray, the most interesting of the tributes for the games. Will they shake up the games? Who will survive to the end? Who is a snake and who is a songbird? In the end, who will give a shit?
I'm gonna start with the acting because the effects are eh and the plot requires its own paragraph. Everyone here is doing a great job, from the quiet brooding of Snow guy to the singing charisma of Lacy Gray gal. The adults get the best of the lot, with Peter Dinklage and Viola Davis just acting crazy. "Villains, fuck your villains, we've got the most weird, dark, twisted, and cackling villains of them all," those two said and wiped their asses with Game of Thrones and Suicide Squad contracts. And that's without mentioning Jason Swartzman, the lone pure comedy who delivers a few lines as the host/magician/weatherman that had me laugh damn hard. Not many people could say the line "the little tuberculosis with legs" like he does.
And then there's the plot. In essence, it reminded me of Ex Machina but done worse. In that movie a rich robot inventor invites a company man to see if he can tell if his girl robot is acting human. As that movie and this movie goes on, you doubt the motives of everyone involved to the point where the final act is a quiet explosion of "oh damns" as everyone reveals themselves. Here, we have to slog through three acts: Snow prepping for the games, the arena battle, and then the aftermath. I hate to say it, but this structure would have worked better as two or three movies. The opening and arena bits echo the original movie and are quite good, but when the final "Part 3" title card rolled out I was done, writing in my notes "OMG it's still going. There's so much more." And even it is good, and chocolate cake might taste good, but I don't want it after a pizza and a lasagna.
And that's about the mood of the whole thing. There's too much happening but not enough growth. I don't feel by the end that our villain origin has peaked because he was doing duplicitous things for his own ends from the beginning. Snow as a character is a sociopath, turning against or using everyone with the lone exception being his sister/cousin/tiger lady. Even when turns happen, when there's scenes where it feels like he may be in doubt, all it takes is one thing being said or one catalyst to enter, and I knew he would do whatever it took to fulfill his own interests.
If you go see this, matinee all the way. Don't pay full price. Hell, even wait for streaming. It's not big or bombastic or interesting visually to see on the big screen and the bright spots of music can be enjoyed just as well with a good pair of headphones.
Thoughts:
Do you think they referenced the first movies enough? I counted all the references and stopped when I realized I didn't care.
They put a girl with Downs in the arena to get bricked in the head because what the hell?
The secret about his family at the end was really not revelatory at all and immediately is undercut. A death that made the whole thing not matter at all.
Lacy Gray sings, but that's the only thing that makes her the songbird. I still don't know who was what in the title and don't really care. It's not as interesting as they thought it would be.
Yes, I am aware that they put actual snakes and actual songbirds. Metaphor or lazy, you judge.
They brought back the floaty fight camera and I hate it.
For the first nine years, the arena was just a Roman style room where kids killed each other. Yeah, that's boring as shit.
Who do Dinklage and Davis report to that are keeping an eye on anything that might cancel these games? Were they in danger of retirement or what?
The subplot of rebellion and betrayal including a secondary character kinda made me angry that it was not a reference to the first movies, but if it was, I did not get it.
This fucking movie almost made me cry. And the dog does not die, just getting that out there.
Channing Tatum plays a combat veteran with physical and emotional issues tasked with bringing a former fellow Ranger's also physically and emotionally damaged combat dog, Lulu, to the Ranger's funeral. It's a road movie along the Pacific coast with some wacky hijinks but overall leans toward how to heal wounds.
Tatum continues to be one of the most underrated actors of his generation. Sure, he can move as Magic Mike and looks like an action figure without the kung fu grip, but the man can dig deep and use his physicality in a variety of ways. This movie has slapstick humor, silly sex romps, an oddly dark near-torture scene, and the effects of trauma on the human body. Tatum shows, doesn't tell, often expresses humor and drama in almost every scene.
One could compare this to Turner and Hooch, where the straightlaced guy meets the wild dog and they form a bond, but that's reductive. Both Tatum and Lulu the dog are damaged and riddled with anxiety. For a lot of the run time they pull against one another, coming up with scenarios to highlight the destructiveness they both bring to their lives. By the end, though, when Tatum comforts Lulu during the funeral's gun salute and Lulu lays on Tatum as he suffers a seizure on a bathroom floor… You do not see this type of emotional catharsis in dog movies. Moments of bonding not as man and dog or soldier to soldier, but just two lonely abused beings filling in the broken parts.
I'm writing this on Veteran's Day where the United States celebrates our soldiers. This movie goes beyond that and reminds us to care for them. To help them care for themselves and offer them support. The movie champions the rar-rar nature of war but it also shows the heavy cost. It's not really a story about doing things for the country or celebrating the military, but about how those "warriors" we send out to do horrific jobs come back broken.
And it does it with humor and empathy, which is often the sugar coating for a good message about care and kindness for yourself and others.
You ever see a movie and feel "I've seen this a hundred times, but this is a very well done version of that." That's Ticket to Paradise, a delightful little family romcom that does nothing new but does it damn well.
George Clooney and Julia Roberts are a divorced couple constantly bickering when forced to be together to support their daughter. The daughter graduates law school and goes off to vacation in Bali, meeting the love of her life and deciding to stay. George and Julia go off to stop the wedding and along the way rekindle that loving feeling.
The cast and the location are the best part, with one probably being the reason the other is involved. And no, I don't mean Bali let them film there to hang out with George Clooney. Clooney plays his normal charming sarcastic dilf character as he does, but there's moments when he loses the facade and you see the deep regret he has about how things went with his ex. Julia also gets in with her no-nonsense mom role but lets down her guard and that smile shines and yeah, you know she loves him.
The supporting cast does just that, supports the two leads with humor and witty dialog that at times is hilarious. Special shout out to… well, no, everyone here is good and cast just right. There's not one scene where I thought "well, I guess this assholes's back."
The only real thing to dislike about this movie is the lack of background for our leads. We know they dislike each other, but never see their past beyond a few nice moments of them talking about it. Besides beer pong, it would have been nice to see how well they worked together. They talk about the house by the lake that burned, but we never see that or get a chance to feel the connection they are rekindling.
That being said, the young couple romance also gets the short end of the stick. It's very capital R Romance, with dialog like "I'm surrounded by the beauty of the islands but all I can look at is you" that is very sweet and young love but also in my old age makes me feel kinda eye-rolly. The more grounded older love story, Clooney telling Roberts "I never sold the land our house was supposed to be on" resonated more which is good because that's our main couple.
Overall, I had fun but won't be going back to this on any "best romcom" lists.
The Marvels begins in space with a woman with a purple stick and her dudes. They crack open a thing and inside is a bangle much like Ms. Marvel wears. Since she looks all crazy and the bangle is powerful (but we don't really know what it does really, maybe activates powers?) we can assume this is the villain power origin story on fast forward.
Cut to the holder of another bangle, Ms. Marvel aka Kamala Khan aka played by the wonderfully bubbly Iman Vellani, fangirling about teaming up some day with Captain Marvel aka Carol Danvers aka played by the stoic Brie Larson. There's an animated sequence that lights up the screen and sends a message that maybe this ain't your daddy's Marvel movie. Spoiler alert, yeah, I'm going through the plot with my thoughts and this is half your daddy's Marvel movie.
Kamala finds herself propelled… somewhere, we'll come back to it because we get a "hold up, let's go back" bit. We're in space with Carol reliving some memories aka the movie Captain Marvel. Nick Fury, aka Sam Jackson aka a bad ass mothher fucker, calls her for help so you know things are sideways. Something is wrong with the travel portals we normally see in Guardians of the Galaxy that are hexes like in Wandavision and GOOSE IS BACK AND CAN GO IN SPACE. SPACE KITTY FORCE IS A GO.
Since we got Fury (don't call him Nick, his mother doesn't call him Nick) and something hex-adjacent, we get Monica Rambeau aka oh yeah she was in Wandavision I like her aka played by Teyonah Parris. She's got powers they don't define, ever, and gonna go out and touch a malfunctioning space hole. It does not go well. All three of our leads start to switch places in space.
The best part of the movie is Kamala and her family's reaction to everything. They might just be a jolt of energy to the military stoicism that every other corner of this oozes. Like a bright red scarf on a field of blue. Everything from Kamala freaking out being in space to her mother asking "Is someone pressuring you?" after her daughter was body swapped… This is not your daddy's Marvel and it's delightful.
We go back to our villain, Dar-Benn aka mad Kree aka played by Zawe Ashton doing the best she can with eh. I honestly had no idea what was happening here. Dar-Benn is mad and the Kree are negotiating with the Skrulls but then she's like I'll let you go. Go where? Why? The Kree have been bad guys for every turn so far, so I got lost for a moment. Their homeworld Hala is in bad shape, but even she says it was because of a civil war. Sounds like a you problem, but it's a motivation so okay. Then Carol shows up and the switching really begins.
A few Kree get taken to both Fury's space station and Kamal's house while everyone is fighting everyone. Our leads continue to be confused as they fight in various locations, with Goose freaking out everyone. Special mention goes to Kamala's mom getting several shots in and the look Fury gives Kamala seeing her beat ass. Like I said, they are the best, but the very confusing fight is shot well and the locations are so different I never got mixed up.
I still don't know what Rambeau's power set is. They keep saying "she sees light," but she goes intangible and flies and shoots light and whatever. She's cool and I'm in. This whole battle ends with her and Kamala falling through the air, Rambeau learning to fly. The effect here is not good, very green screen as if you could see the globe thing they use. The acting is fine though, just don't look at the landscape around them.
There's a lot of tiny lines that work. Moments. One in particular, something is fast approaching the space station and we get a "It's cool. It's Carol" that made me laugh.
So it looks like the bad villain's plan is to use the bangles to open portals to suck up all the atmosphere. The bangles are Quantum Bands (points to the internet nerds) that set up the whole portal network of hex things, but if too many portals are made the universe can break. Kinda like swiss cheese but oops all holes. Also turns out that Kamala's powers were not bangle based, she just can do that so the mutant thing holds from her show. Also the purple stick that looks like the power stone that was used in Guardians of the Galaxy is called a universal weapon because the villain needed to be more than a woman with jewelry. I just find it fun that the bangles created travel across the universe and then someone buried one and gave one to an Indian family. Makes you think about something, too late, time for some drama.
With the gang all together on the spaceship, they use Carol's mind meld to see all kinds of past things. This includes Carol destroying the Kree AI and then talking to Mama Rambeau while she died of cancer during the Snap where Monica was wherever people went. The AI being gone made the Kree destroy the planet, and Carol never came back because she was trying to fix it and Mama Rambeau died. Cue our interpersonal drama conversation of "You said you'd be back" and "Lots of people needed you" and then the wham line heard in drama classes across the world: "We needed you."
I get this is strong for the character, but it feels like we've heard this before in a million stories. Larson and Parrs try to sell it, but the characters are military stoic so it kinda just exists as drama. Not bad, but not really memorable.
Bright moment with Fury taking the Khan family to space. "He's taking us to hell." Also I'm pretty sure mom called him "Nicholas." Just delightful.
So with the drama and the threat out in the open, our gang of Marvels must work together. Cue a montage with Beastie Boys Intergalactic where they learn to jump rope, throw balls, and general switchy fun. It's done really well.
Then for the next sequence we go to the musical episode. And I actually started to think of this as a tv show from here on out. Parts are very segmented and with wild mood swings making the very short run time feel like a Youtube montage of "here's what you missed on the Marvels." The gang gets together, the gang tries to save the Skrulls (did I mention the Tessa Thompson aka Valkyrie cameo? Didn't really matter), the gang learns about their pasts and powers, and now the gang sings.
This is a fun part, but like I said, it's almost its own montage. The colors are bright and everyone shines as the planet of water's main language is song. Also Carol is the princess and is married, but whatever. Another funny, quirky thing that's not really fleshed out. Big punchy punch fight against mad Kree and we move on to the end game because the next target is Earth.
Will Carol save the Kree by giving them back the sun? Will the Marvels stop being entangled? Will Monica and Carol hug it out?
Yeah. But first Fury and the Khan's deal with kitten eggs and evacuating the space station. This is literally horrifying and silly. The tentacle-mouthed SPACE CAT Goose had babies. Because kittens are easier to transport and the station is missing some escape pods, the kittens go around and eat all the terrified members of Fury's crew who apparently were not told today was the day to mark zero on the "days since crew members were eaten by adorable kitten tentacle-mouthed monstrosities" board. And it's set to "Memories" from Cats which is hilarious.
In the end, we have a three on one punchy fight that ends with the villain getting Ms. Marvel's bangle. She punches a hole in the universe and dies. The Marvels combine their powers like Captain Planet and Monica seals herself away on the other side.
In the end, it's bittersweet. Monica is trapped with the 90s X-men cartoon. Kamala now lives with her family in Rambeau's Louisiana house for some reason but is also recruiting Young Avengers (the scene with her and Hawkeye recreating the end of Iron Man is genuinely a delight). Carol… keeps doing Carol shit. I dunno.
One thing that bugged me: for the end power combining, Kamala has both bangles. Then she doesn't for the rest of the end. What's up with that?
Look, I had fun with this but it's a total formula movie. There's a lot of laughs, some fun lore things, but nothing feels fleshed out or real beyond the Khans. I liked it, but I did not care.
Some stories need to be told by the right people. Watching Killers of the Flower Moon, I kept wondering who the hell I was supposed to care about. The story follows DiCaprio's deplorable simple man as he robs, cheats, and murders his way through his wife's family, but in the end the directory points to it being her story. The tale of her people giving her no real agency.
It's the end of the wild west and the Osage people of Oklahoma have oil. This brings white people, some who pretend or tell themselves they are there to help like De Niro's King while they all take and take and take. You know, America. We follow DiCaprio's Ernest as he marries Mollie and kills most of her family to inherit all that oil money at the direction of King. Just people here, mostly bad.
I've heard it called "epic," but the passage of time is false. Scorsese can still put together a shot and direct the hell out of talented actors, but this tale is only epic in the run time, often stopping to gaze longingly at its navel. No great change or events happen as the narrative slowly replaces Osage natives with the federal inspectors looking into Osage murders. It only partially addresses the fault in or need for the story. It's a historical shrug.
It's good. Damn good at times. An obituary for Mollie, her people, when she is featured. I did not like it.
Something Wild is a joy that becomes rather violent pretty quick.
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The first scene has the two leads talking about being lesbians, their crushes, and how they are ugly. The dialog is tight and fresh with a naturalistic improv feel, but the characters are given little to do but care about their crushes. Basically, the first scene is a lie because the movie goes off the rails pretty quick after that. These two Hollywood ugly (come on, they are beautiful) women start a fight club to secure intimate exposure to the cheerleaders of their dreams while nothing remotely natural or normal happens around them.
The farcical nature of the film throws itself at you the moment they get to school after they hurt a football player at a carnival and blow it with their lusts. PJ and Josie have a regular date with the janitor to have their lockers painted over when vandalized, the principal refers to them over the loudspeaker as the "ugly lesbians without talent" (I think, my notes are wet due to spilling shit), and a kid is in a cage in a classroom. This is the Naked Gun of teen sex comedies when a notable teen sex comedy has not been popular in years (Booksmart might be the last and best).
It's funny, really funny, in parts, but who is this for?
People might hate this comparison, but the camera moves like Kevin Smith made it in 1995. Locked down master and two shots are the only thing the camera knows for most of the run time. Which is fine, it does not distract from the absurd crassness, but I got excited when the camera pushed in for a kiss.
The cast does an amazing job. Spotlight on Marshawn Lynch because he at least had a game subplot about his underlying divorce. Also Ruby Cruz as Hazel, although I felt her explosive tendencies were taken from Sylvie's character. Few of the fight club that have little to do other than fill out the group and deliver one memorable line.
The point of the movie is the sex comedy part, yet like a lot of Hollywood, the sex has been somewhat left out. I don't need nudity and full on porn, but this feels like that kid who loved to talk about sex with his Canadian girlfriend. If you want to talk about sex and make it the thing characters want then make it appealing. The movie has flashing and wet-tshirts and the only body that felt objectified was the male lead which seems counter productive. There's not even an afterglow, both covered by sheets and playing footsie while giggling. Just a kiss and a fall and next day "we had sex" talk. Good that nobody gets shamed or mad at least.
Anyway, I did not expect this movie to have a body count without a body count, but there you have it. Maybe there's a commentary about how violence is more acceptable than sex in movies. Could be, but if I'm saying "maybe" then the message did not go through well.
Sounds like I dislike Bottoms, but I kinda loved it. Smart, hilarious, and all around a great time at the cinema. Go see it.
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Maybe it's because I grew up with them, but I love extreme satirical psycho movies. Especially with teens. Something about the illusion of innocence added with a lack of shame causes wonderful moments of bombastic strawmen to die with gruesome intent. The only thing that could make Heathers better is if Paul Verhoeven had directed it.
Our story is about Veronica, a kind if checked out girl making her way through high school along with her friends, the Heathers, popular girls who throw their privilege around. Enter JD, a malcontent willing to do whatever he finds entertaining who wins Veronica's affection and repect. Several murders and suicide attempts later, maybe this couple are not long.
I love this movie. It's a fascinating mix of tropes to create satire. The language and visuals are heightened to a Twin Peaks level of awareness without winking too much at the camera. The characters' dress have become archetypes (black coat for psychos) or are just odd (Ryder journals with a monocle more than once). Mean Girls wants to have the teeth this story does, facing topics like suicide and homosexuality ("I love my dead gay son!") with a dark glee. Just because the kids are young does not mean they are precious.
My notes are all quotes, it's that much fun.
The cast equally entertains. Sure, Christian Slater is doing his best Jack Nicholson if ole Jack had stepped out of the Shining hotel with the drink in his hand. It melds well with the sardonic turn Ryder is giving against the banal evil of the Heathers. The order of Heathers ruling the school descends into a chaotic mix by the end when a smoking Ryder rips the bow from Heather and walks away. Was anything solved? Nope.
If your diet is mostly post-2000 teenagers in film, this will be a shock. These kids fuck and kill and curse, and if that's what you like watch this film.
The circulation desk had not seen a patron for over an hour. Circulation decided to use the time to check in the book drop, asking Childrens to keep an eye out. When Circ got back, Childrens was folding little paper animals.
"Did you see the new Super Mario Movie?" Circulation asked.
Childrens held up a paper turtle, saying, "No. I can't."
"We had fun with it. It's silly and has a lot of references to the games. I guess it would have to though. What do you mean you can't?"
"I do not believe in abusing mushrooms," Childrens said.
"Oh, well, I guess I get that. Like psychedelics?"
"No, no, no. Noooo. I'm on those right now." Childrens waved a paper squid in the air.
"So, physically?" The book dorp was forgotten.
Childrens ate the paper squid, slowly chewing it to a wet pulp. "Do not hurt the fungus for the Forest Queen lives among us."
"How about you fold those in the back? Or go home?"
Childrens held up a paper dragon. "How about that?" The dragon fell to the carpet. Childrens cried "Wah-hoo" and jumped up and down on the origami before running through the staff door.
Along with Seth Rogan and a lot of other people in my generation, I realized movies could be bad by watching the 1993 Super Mario Brothers: The Movie. Twenty years later I sat in a theater and watched the movie I wanted back then. The new Super Mario Bros Movie is the best thing we could have hoped for: competent.
Mario and Luigi live in cartoon Brooklyn, New York starting up a plumbing business. That is quickly swept aside when they find themselves in an oddly spacious sewer and sucked down a pipe. Mario goes to the Mushroom Kingdom where he learns a dragon man named Bowser is attacking everything while Luigi gets put in a cage. Mario vows to help Princess Peach defeat Bowser and save his brother. All that happens.
Saying a movie is competent these days is quite the praise. So much intellectual property has been wasted in the last decade *cough DC cough Star Wars cough* that having a breezy 90 minute movie that is entertaining and well made feels delightful. If we cannot get original stories any more, at least we can get entertaining films like Air (more later) or Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Amongst Thieves (maybe later).
Sure, all these movies are made to sell products or make us believe that the heroes are the million dollar companies that want us to buy more products, but last night when Luigi got his shit together and helped out his brother, one little girl shouted "Luigi" in pure childlike fandom. That's something I have not heard in a while. A kid, not a grown adult, cried out in joy for her favorite character. It made me smile.
The animation is beautiful, and the cast did a damn good job. Every frame is filled with easter eggs to Nintendo and Mario's history while not one time did I think of the person behind the animation. So much is packed in visually (with a beautiful score by Brian Tyler) and the voices matching the animation that we did not get another jukebox musical animation dump but an actual movie.
To round out, I'm gonna give a big virtual high-five to whoever came up with the nihilistic Lumalee. There is dark, then there is getting the director's daughter to say lines like "more meat for the grinder" dark that brought back a little weirdness to kids movies that I love.
If you have kids or access to recreational drugs, check out Super Mario Bros Movie.