Every Christmas Has a Story (2016) Movie Review: Hallmark has refuged into audacity

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Ever said something you wish you could take back and then a small town tries to get you to solve its problems by making you an indentured servant? That happens in this holiday shit show.

    Lori Loughlin stars as Scrooget, an on air personality sorta like Ellen if Ellen was unlikable. One day, Scrooget lets it fly to the nation that she hates Christmas. Because ratings are king, she's forced to go with her producer to a small town to see how they get Christmas spirited.

    Oh, you think it's as simple as "she gets some small town values and learns to love again?" Fuck you, you simpleton.

    Scrooget has a bunch of problems, rivaled only by the town that calls her to its broken shores. First, her dad left her years back after her mom died (or something, I forget) and that's why she hates Christmas. Second, her producer (the likable Colin Ferguson who was awesome on Eureka) is also her ex-boyfriend who she dumped a long time ago and still holds a torch for. Finally, there's some weird thing about the tree in the center of town being missing. Mystery Time!

    Here's how all those stories get wrapped up: Her dad shows up and she freaks out but forgives him. They get trapped in the snow and fall back in love because you saw that coming. And the tree is missing because (this will be a long sentence) the man whose family used to send the tree to the town is in a depressive spiral and no longer celebrating Christmas after his wife and child died in a car accident last Christmas which is why the town decided to call up Scrooget and get her to "learn about small town Christmas" AKA "show on the tv that our town loves Christmas and wants the depressive widower to come back to them."

    Don't read that all out loud without taking a drink first. To say that this "movie" takes some weird ass turns that are way dark for a Christmas movie is to also say that drinking drain cleaner is a bad idea. It's bonkers with a scheme worthy of a crack addicted Batman villain.

HOLY SHIT. I just learned that the depressive guy is Willie Aames. I take it all back to get a Charles In Charge alum back here. Besides Scott Baio because, well, just no.