Star Wars: Episode IX - Rise of Skywalker (2019) brings the stupid back
Director: J.J. Abrams (Felicity, Space Trek)
Writers: Chris Terrio (Argo Fuck Yourself), Derek Connolly (Jurrassic Wars), Colin Trevorrow (Star Wars Not Guarunteed), George Lucas (Howard the Duck)
Stars: Carrie Fisher (When Harry Met Star Wars), Mark Hamill (Corvette Star Wars), Adam Driver (Logan Star Wars), Daisy Ridley (Murder On Star Wars), John Boyega (Attack the Star Wars), Oscar Issac (Star Wars Machina)
The secret to a good Star Wars movie comes with a price. A big, stupid, fantasy price with a ton of heart.
The old Emperor has come back, telling the galaxy he's come to kick ass and take names while mixed up with First Order Supreme Leader Emo-Sith Kylo Ren. The rebel group of Rey, Finn, Poe, Leia, and other people that don't seem to matter gather together to learn about the Force and tie up loose ends. Finn and Poe seem to think they have a chance with Rey who is duty bound to be angsty over Kylo because she's the hero and bringing evil back to the light is her job. Some ghosts show up because to hell with it, ghosts.
Abrams has a deft hand with action and visuals, bringing beautiful scenes across the screen over and over. Too bad the soap opera garbage the plot demands are forced between these set pieces with twist after twist making the "revelations" in The Last Jedi look pedantic. The truth of this "saga" is that it revels in the nonsense while dumping lots of heart along with it.
Like the serials it is based on, Star Wars works best when handing out nonsense fantasy tropes rather than any kind of actual solutions. The prequels taught us we did not care if Star Wars had politics, and The Last Jedi did the same for sci-fi tropes as "chain of command," "galactic capitalism," and "fuel." Everyone has to be connected, everything must matter, and above all else everything must rely on finding a thing to solve a thing.
With all that, however, Star Wars makes us believe the base archetypes it travels in are the center of the universe. The prequels gave us politics, but they also gave us a child's path from innocence to monster letting power corrupt. The Last Jedi might have too much of a sci-fi problem in that slow chase, but it gave us possibility and joy in knowing that anyone could be the Chosen One, able to be powerful enough to break out of our monotony.
Rise of Skywalker slips back into that stupid storytelling. The acting and effects are top notch, the music amazing, but Star Wars is not among the greats in storytelling. It's all about the stupid spectacle with heart.
Here are my notes, beware of spoilers
Crawl Works
Something about that star field, yellow letters, and that damn music. Just works. The words on the screen are nonsense, telling us about something that happened in a land far away: Fortnite.
Horror Emperor
Not gonna lie, I didn't think Kylo Ren killing a lot of losers meant much of anything. Nor did his flight of the navigator through hell. When he got to talking to Palpatine, though, that shit was PG-13 kinda scary. Dude was all kinda fucked up.
Light Speed Skipping
The fuck is this shit? Solo (the movie) had all kinds of things about "star charts" and navigation computer droids, but Poe Dameron can just punch it and go anywhere. Hell, even Han Solo in Force Awakens scared the shit out of everyone jumping close to a planet.
Sudden Hobbit
Cool! Dominic Monaghan is in this. I love that guy… where'd he go?
Why Not Make Her Own?
By Return of the Jedi, Luke had gotten his shit together as a Jedi to make his own green lightsaber. Rey, despite going through the same jungle nonsense course, has not yet made her own and won't until the end. Why not? Also, wasn't Anakin/Luke's OG lightsaber broken apart and left for dead at the end of Last Jedi?
Sand Trap
This was just dumb. No other way to get into the cavern? No other way for a Jedi Master to find a hole in the ground? No? K.
I Like 3PO
Kinda always… disliked is strong, but the golden metal dude has never been my favorite, but if this movie did one thing, it made me like him. Still annoying, but in that "he's kinda trying to get buy" way.
Senate Knew Sith
So… Who knows what about The Force and it's factions? In New Hope, Han Solo has traveled all over, and Luke is on a backwater, so sure, 30 years later nobody knows about Space Catholics. Whatever. I grew up knowing nothing about Buddhism until I traveled and the internet came along, so I can get not understanding a culture of wizards until you see them do crazy shit at Lollapalooza. But to have sanctions that basically say "Nobody can speak Hunnic, even robots" because Attila the Hun's direct descendant Kevin the Hun tore up shit as president is a little crazy.
Love Triangle Dumb
Nobody gives a shit if Rey ends up with Poe or Finn if Kylo Ren is around. Adam Driver is that good, and he's playing a mass murdering psychopath.
Lighting Chewie Cheap
Man, fuck this shit. Just all over. Rey blowing up the transport is dynamic and exciting, but to be undercut 1. showing Chewie okay two scenes later and 2. showing that Rey can sense him from thousands of miles away in a spaceship when she can't find him 60 feet away is insulting.
No Downloading?
I had this thought about all the plans and history stuff. Computers in Star Wars are weird about what they can and can't do. Somehow we can't get that droid's mind out of the Falcon to fuck Lando, but we can get 3P0 back because Abrams can't commit to killing characters without an arch.
I'm the spy
I love love love Domhall Gleeson and how much fun he's having. Even after being killed a bit later, he's still just enjoying himself.
Why have kids?
Did Palpatine have kids before he knew he could just clone himself? Makes sense if he saw Anakin's kids betray him. Asking for a friend.
Goonies knife
At this point in the movie I checked out. The knife thing is so dumb the rest of the movie should just be watched to this point and then let the edibles kick in. \
A few stray thoughts, though
Billie Dee Williams is amazing, there's a bunch of call backs and new Force power mumbo-jumbo, and I think that kiss at the end is both earned and kinda disgusting due to one of them being a mass-murdering bastard. But Abrams needs that Vader-Luke scene from Return of the Jedi or he doesn't get his full set of trading cards from Lucasfilm.
Palpatine's plan is goofy beyond belief, telling her that if she kills him he'll win. Just let her kill you, dude. And stop with the lightning. It's like he's addicted to that shit. Just once I want to see Force lightning be effective beyond blowing up one transport.
I liked all the Jedi voices and the Harrison Ford cameo. I'm a sucker for this shit.