New Library Program "Redneck Clown Family Invades Your Dreams" Begins Tonight!

A family of redneck clowns will invade your dreams tonight, courtesy of the library, because the pandemic has not caused enough stress.

     Starting tonight during your second REM cycle, you will find yourself in the library branch on the outskirts of town. Wandering through the abandoned structure, footsteps and a quiet laughter will be heard from just outside your view. The friend you were just on a roller coaster with will scream somewhere in the distance. Then the redneck clowns will come for you.

     "We were spitballing some ideas about how to get into the heads of our patrons, and someone said something about haunting their dreams. So of course we went with the Hendersons. They were very excited," the library director said.

     The Hendersons lived in an old mansion out on Shadowbrook Road. Known as a "circus act," they were frequent patrons to the library. When all of them passed in a sudden explosion,they willed their immortal souls to the library for use however staff see fit. Boy howdy, have they been of use over the years.

     Staff have tested the terrifying dream scenario and can walk patrons through it. Dave II, our reference librarian, said, "You know how in a video game, you have to trigger an event to continue? Well, in the dream you'll meet Charlie Henderson. He'll tell you to turn around, and you know if you do he's gonna get you. Still, you just have to turn around. So you do it slow, real slow, keeping his wide bloody smile in your vision and repeating 'No, no, no, no,' until finally you wake up. It is most unpleasant.”

     If you are wondering how to join this program, do not worry! By having a library card, you signed away your right to a peaceful night's sleep. And don't try to stay awake, or we will know.