Library Year in Review: 2023

Overall, this year kinda sucked. That's this librarian talking, of course, not an overview of the entire thread. It started with me being so stressed out by a relationship and my job that I got checked out by a hospital when my heart started racing out of control. It ended with my dad dying and all the things that came with that. The cream center of that dark cookie bullshit was a long stretch of depression cycles wherein I would feel great for two weeks and then crash.

At least there's bourbon and edibles and Playstation 5, amIright?

Anyway, here's the things I liked in 2023:

Movies

Hey, I like movies. Pretty good year all around. My highest rated was Spider-Man: Across the Spider-verse, just a pleasure and delight that pushed animation forward like no other movie has, although Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem was a close second. For the popular crowd, of course Barbie, Oppenheimer, Wonka, and Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 were damn good. John Wick: Chapter Four might have been the best time I had in the cinema this year. For the movie that came out of nowhere, I have Bottoms because I have thought about this absurd sex comedy more than I thought I would.

Books

I only read three books that were released (at least in the format I read them, get off my ass) in 2023. The first was How to Sell a Haunted House by Grady Hendrix, a fun and wild little horror about things close to home and all the puppet murder you can get. Then there was The Spite House by Johnny Compton, another horror about a family barely hanging on in a house that is not theirs. The last was Don't Fear the Reaper by Stephen Graham Jones that twisted itself a little too much at times but I still enjoyed it.

Games

I broke down and bought a PS5 this year primarily to play Baldur's Gate 3 and Spider-Man 2 and I did and they are great fun if wildly different. Mostly the rest of my year was Stardew Valley on the Switch.

Biggest Accomplishment

Besides living in Mississippi for the last two months and not going crazy and platinuming Spider-Man 2? I started writing again. Sure, it's mostly dumb entries on this weird little website, but I take the time to get out of my head once in a while. That's a good thing.

On the Wishlist

Fuck, I don't know. It's like I'm making myself say where I think I'll be in five years. Five years ago I was moving to Seattle after a horrible break-up and putting my life together. Next year feels more like a hope than a dream, but I'll take what I can get.

And that's it. What's the best thing you did? What do you want to do?

I'm gonna go have some bourbon and an edible or five and sleep until the New Year. See you then.

Field Report #244553: Red Bokoblin "Jeff"

Supervisors Note: The following is a report from the last survivor of an attack on a bokoblin camp in the Gerudo Desert. Rather than the standard debrief interview, we felt it would be more therapeutic for the subject, a 32-year-old red bokoblin named Jeff, to write the incident report in his own words. If more information is needed, Jeff is available from his relocated assignment in Hyrule Field near the Ranch Ruins.

For the record, my name is Jeff [Last name redacted] and I was stationed at Claw camp near the Southern Oasis in the Gerudo Desert. There were four of us, myself and another red named Razorclaw, along with a black boko named Sgt Painstump, a silver named Jeff 2, and an Electric Lizalfo named Steve. Didn' like Steve much, he didn' have a lot of control over his equipment and would shock the shit out of us.

The camp was standard. One flat level with a cooking pot above the ground, two scout towers. It was morning, just at first light so Sgt Painstump, Jeff 2, and Steve were asleep by the fire. I was gettin up to relive Razorclaw who had been on watch all night.

I don' know why we were targeted. We didn' have a chest or even special weapons. I had a stick. A wooden fuckin stick.

The arrow that got Razorclaw came from the dark. It was cold out there at night and it just streamed in a "ping." Razor was dead, flashing into the deep black and purple void. I blew the horn and got Sgt Painstump, Jeff 2, and Steve up, but then the real attack happened.

He came up from below. Like, I can't describe it. We were grabbing weapons and this green bloop happens. This guy in a pink hood, snow pants, and no shirt popped out from the wood as if he was swimming. I yelled, but he threw like a pinecone into the fire and launched into the air.

He had some kind of thing. It let him float. I don' fuckin know. I just know he started raining down fire and bombs on us. Sgt. Painstump got most of that. I can hear the screams.

Me, Jeff 2, and Steve were thrown clear. I hit the sand, still cold from the evening but the warm sun felt so nice. I remember laying there thinking that maybe this is what the great void was like. Then Steve started screaming.

This little weirdo had a spear with some kind of laser on it. Steve was hit a dozen times in a row. Pap pap pap pap pap you get the idea. Just over and over. I watched as Steve fell dropping all his gear. He got back up, the bastard. You could smell the ozone of Steve's lightning trying to power up, but that laser staff just kept hitting him.

I saw the ghosts when the sun rose over the mountains. The guy, Link I guess, had two ghosts with him. One bird kid who kept hammering Steve with arrows. The other was a rock guy. Link and the rock guy connected, some kind of silent thing, and Steve died in a fiery ghost blur.

I can't tell you what happened. But I know what it looks like when death and his ghost friends turn on you.

But the ghosts went away. Link, he went around picking up pieces of Steve and Razorclaw and Sgt Painstump. Pieces of my friends. I gripped my little wooden stick so hard I heard the wood creak.

Then he turned on me. The dead eyes looked at me over and he turned away. I got a rock and threw it. Don't know why. I guess I just wanted to feel like I tried. Maybe I wanted him to say something. Anything. But he kept walking then running away.

I thought about chasing him, but then realized I was supposed to tell you. I was supposed to tell my story.

Reading back, I don't even know what happened to Jeff 2. Could be out there. Could be dead.

Anyway, then Link jumped on this rock that had fallen earlier that night and I dunno, fucker just lifted into the heavens like magic.

I'll never be the same.