Aquaman (2018) is best with friends and drugs
I reached a new low and threw on 2018's Aquaman last night. I had a pretty good time with this stupid movie, too.
The film centers around Aquaman, AKA Arthur Curry, AKA Drogo McTats. Long ago, his mommy and his daddy loved each other very much. They did a special underwater hug, and they made Aquaman. Then mommy's family came out of the ocean with goddamn laser guns and fucked up their house. Now Aquaman is all grown up and drinking with his dad, damn well acted by Jason Momoa with a lot of the "bro" image turned down and some solid action chops.
Much of the film is about Aquaman learning to get over his issues by stumbling into things. A lot of it wants to be a globe trotting adventure, like Indiana Jones, with mystical lore and ancient creatures. Aquaman's issues belong with his mama issues and his insecurities (which should not exist, look at that fucker). The mama stuff clears up about the end of the second act while the insecurities are kinda cleared with a shrug and some big damn monsters. And a fork. A shiny fork.
The very first thing Aquaman stumbles upon is a Russian submarine. There he meets Black Manta and kills Black Manta's father because "the ocean never forgives" or something metal sounding. Aquaman kills that dude's dad so hard there's some sharks out there like, "bro, nah." Then that same submarine comes along and blows up some Atlantis folks, making everything coincidental and making the fish people hate the non-fish people. Us. The non-fish people are regular land people. Except maybe James Cameron because he seems to go underwater a lot. Although he has not seen shit.
Enter the redhead. Mera, played pretty well by Amber Heard, comes around and is like, "Hey, Aquaman, wanna save the fish people with me?" He's all, "Nah, bro" and swims off. Then shit blows up underwater.
Aquaman stumbles into his past with visions of training with Willem Defoe. Did anyone else know Willem Defoe is in this fucker? Turns out he taught Aquaman how to fight and stuff. That way Aquaman would grow up and be king instead of his whiny younger brother. Then we learn the fish people killed Nicole Kidman.
I promise this all makes sense in context.
Speaking of the whiny younger brother, king of the super white people and romancer of the redhead… dude wants everyone to call him Ocean Master. Don't be that guy. You don't get to get to pick your own nickname. Ever. I do not care if you have a shark-riding army and murder in your heart. Just no.
So Whitest Fish You Know and Black Manta team up (yeah, he gets to keep that name cause he's fucking awesome). They each start some shit, and Aquaman beats Black Manta to hell and back with a ton of bro slaps. Then Aquaman goes looking for his mom.
Out in the dark reaches of the sea, there's some metal fucking shit. Fishmen out of Lovecraft's nightmares attack the boat Mera stole. Fending them off under the red light of signal flares, Aquaman and Mera dive deep into darkness chased by a swirling mass of gremlin-finned sea monsters. For a moment I wish I had seen this on the big screen, up there large as life, because this film looks amazing at times. Director James Wan knows how to use effects to paint beautiful scenes in CGI that are remarkable and beautiful even when filled with horror. This is the showcase of the movie.
I promised you this all makes sense in context. To this movie's strength, all of this nonsense really does. Talking to fish is a straight up plotpoint in this nonsense movie where the shiny gold and green hero beats up on a dude named Ocean Master. Fun and enjoyable, watch this one with a bunch of friends and marijuana.
