Moonfall and the Mustang

If you see one movie about the moon trying to kill everyone on Earth, then maybe try out Moonfall, Roland Emerich's latest beefy fuck you to all science and human emotion everywhere. Not only is Moonfall big and loud, but it is an emotionless black hole of comedy that tells everyone who sees it that the world can still crap out high level nonsense that is both thrilling and devoid of all genuine empathy.

     We have two basic plots happening while the moon crashes into the earth in spectacular fashion. One is a bad dad astronaut and his team of NASA and internet truthers trying to get to the center of the moon to do space shit. The other story is the kids of the astronauts running from nonsense being flung at the screen while other humans are total dicks. Both have many sins to account for, but the general "let's hobble these people so we can tie all these effect shots together" radiates from the screen.

     The cast is there. Genre king Patrick Wilson has a blast saying shit like "stop the moon, save the world." Haley Berry is in this, in case you were not sure, and just lights up the whole affair when it is not being lit up by moon debris. Rounding out the main group is John Bradley, the new nerdy why are they letting him tag along guy. I'm not mad about any of these. Special mention goes to Eme Ikwuakor for the best line reading of "My wife is up there; we owe her" anyone could give, Michael Pena for all he has done to deserve this sleepy paycheck, and Donald Sutherland for in general being a grumpy asshole but still showing up for a few minutes. 

     As for the plot secrets I loved, well, spoilers: Turns out a long time ago, a race of creatures were totally advanced. So advanced they created the Death Star and Skynet. Just as they were sending the Death Star out to play, Skynet rose up and started killing all of them. Some escaped the massacre to Earth, became humans, and the Death Star became the moon. Now, Skynet has found us and is destroying the Death Star moon which is destroying us. Full circle. Fuck yeah. If you don't see the beauty and the craft that went into this world building, I cannot help you. 

     Now, the thing I hated the most: product placement. Especially since the whole thing feels like SpaceX and Elon Musk are getting their dicks sucked under the table. Funny that Lexus and not Tesla got all the love. Also, Lexus and not checkov's mustang that never went off. Early in the movie, we have Wilson building a classic Boss Mustang for his son. During one of many chases, do we get the Mustang racing through the streets and over moon debris? Nope, just some shitty Lexus nobody will remember. Just hurt my soul.

     So in a nonsense movie about ancient alien robots destroying us and the hollow moon, I cared more about seeing a classic car race through destruction. I don't know about you, but I feel like I have grown as a human being. Older me would have surely cared more about the lack of any human emotion.