How to Get Rid of a Body: Happy Spooky Season

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For as long as Grandmas have been jumping Snake River Canyon or beloved pets have been finding themselves on farms, people have been looking to get rid of a body. Sometimes, this tradition is done with somber reflection and grief. Sometimes they shoot Hunter S. Thompson out of a cannon.

Here are five ways to use the elements to vanish the dead:

Earth

Ah, burial. A classic. Dig a hole, let gravity and your little cousin do the rest. And the worms, of course. Maybe a very determined coyote depending on your or your little cousin's digging skill. Bonus points if the ground is moist or swampish to hurry along decomposition. Maybe that adds water to the mix, but it's mostly dirt.

Fire

Another wonder of human innovation: burning stuff. This can go along with a variety of methods, but the pure form is a bunch of sticks and taco seasoning. Light and wait for the ashes, gather them in a coffee can, and take your volleyball coach to the beach for one more game. Or make a diamond or ink or whatever else people do with ashes.

Wind/Sky

We thought this would be pretty hard to figure but then cultures around the world were like: yup. To be honest, this is mostly a bird thing. Some just chop the body to little bits so the birds can carry the person away in their tum tums. Others build a kinda tall bed so the birds don't have to work so hard. Or harder, I'm not a bird guy.

Water

When I first saw this, I was like: fire right? Body goes in the boat, boat goes in the water, fire arrow goes in the boat. Our boat. But this is another bird thing, for the most part. Just set your dead guy on a boat in a river or ocean, push off, and make it someone else's problem. Bird, maybe fish, get a meal and everyone can pretend they left for the summer. Good deal.

Spirit

For those of you that will miss your loved one or those who went to Arizona State, we have the spiritual burial. Does this mean a lot of church shit? Nope. We mean party. With the dead folk. Dress that body up for a night out (sunglasses help cause creepy), and drink and toast to them all night. Maybe put them by the door like the world's worst bouncer. The point, at the end of the night maybe they go home with someone and problem solved.