How to Spot a Serial Killer

Reference wanted to write a full LibGuide on the topic of serial killers, but after going over their notes we found that it was kind of a "how to" guide. Creeped out, we compromised on this listicle. The following are a few things to notice in your loved one or neighbor before the chainsaw comes ripping through the wall.

Antisocial

Look, we hate people, too. Nothing wrong with that. There's a lot of them and most of them are unpleasant. They want things, want to do things, and want you to do the same. It's bullshit. 

That's not what we're talking about. This is about that boyfriend on Reddit that got mad at the neighborhood kids playing ball in his yard so he pooped on it. That kind of antisocial, harmful wildly inappropriate behavior. When someone goes to extreme lengths to repel others, maybe listen and start packing.

Arson

Burning things is a fun activity. Even though the children's librarian is in her forties, she giggles and pokes a campfire like a raving madman loving life. However, were she to take that love of fire to, say, a dumpster, we might start to worry. Burning trash in the backyard, dangerous but just stupid. Burning a Toyota while giggling… hide the hammers.

Animal abuse

Come'on. If we had to tell you this, then maybe think about your own behavior.

Lives at a summer camp

Some folks like nature. They live out in the middle of no where and like to share that by being guides or camp medics or grow fabulous gardens of smokeable medicine while hiding from the government. We don't judge those people. 

That hermit living in a moss-covered hovel with a series of tunnels and a deep knowledge of machete maintenance ain't one of those people. Steer clear.

Victim of teenage bullying

Once again, a single item on this list is not up for concern. Everyone had some assholes in their past that were mean, said horrible shit, maybe recorded a video of you jumping off the high dive and losing your shorts and called you "library stump chump" for the rest of your high school so you leaned into that and became a librarian and fuck you, Rachel.

The key here is "victim." Some damage got done. Maybe it was the loss of a limb, loved one, or life. That person has a real reason to hunt a pack of losers down and carve them one by one like a Rachel-sized turkey. Maybe just don't laugh at someone else's bad day.

Love scorned

Kinda like the one above, but all creepy and stalkery. Look, we can't control how someone else feels. Love and lust and everything in between are very complex emotions to both give and receive. That being said, some people take a firm "no" as a challenge.

Others take a firm "no" as a violent reaction to their person. 

Yet still others take a "you must be kidding" with the same energy that the circulation librarian takes when they get stuck on the desk and everyone eats the birthday cake without saving them a piece and it was really good. Like, from the bakery down the road, the one that makes its own chocolate. She was not happy.

Point is, for most of these but the animal abuse one, be kind and compassionate to those around you. Everyone has bad days, but a few really enjoy those bad days.

How to Get Rid of a Body: Happy Spooky Season

For as long as Grandmas have been jumping Snake River Canyon or beloved pets have been finding themselves on farms, people have been looking to get rid of a body. Sometimes, this tradition is done with somber reflection and grief. Sometimes they shoot Hunter S. Thompson out of a cannon.

Here are five ways to use the elements to vanish the dead:

Earth

Ah, burial. A classic. Dig a hole, let gravity and your little cousin do the rest. And the worms, of course. Maybe a very determined coyote depending on your or your little cousin's digging skill. Bonus points if the ground is moist or swampish to hurry along decomposition. Maybe that adds water to the mix, but it's mostly dirt.

Fire

Another wonder of human innovation: burning stuff. This can go along with a variety of methods, but the pure form is a bunch of sticks and taco seasoning. Light and wait for the ashes, gather them in a coffee can, and take your volleyball coach to the beach for one more game. Or make a diamond or ink or whatever else people do with ashes.

Wind/Sky

We thought this would be pretty hard to figure but then cultures around the world were like: yup. To be honest, this is mostly a bird thing. Some just chop the body to little bits so the birds can carry the person away in their tum tums. Others build a kinda tall bed so the birds don't have to work so hard. Or harder, I'm not a bird guy.

Water

When I first saw this, I was like: fire right? Body goes in the boat, boat goes in the water, fire arrow goes in the boat. Our boat. But this is another bird thing, for the most part. Just set your dead guy on a boat in a river or ocean, push off, and make it someone else's problem. Bird, maybe fish, get a meal and everyone can pretend they left for the summer. Good deal.

Spirit

For those of you that will miss your loved one or those who went to Arizona State, we have the spiritual burial. Does this mean a lot of church shit? Nope. We mean party. With the dead folk. Dress that body up for a night out (sunglasses help cause creepy), and drink and toast to them all night. Maybe put them by the door like the world's worst bouncer. The point, at the end of the night maybe they go home with someone and problem solved.