As I am sure all of you do, around the holidays I start to look at all the nonsense that clouds us from each other. The decorations, the pageantry, and that guy in the red suit surround me with a stench of gingerbread that I cannot escape. The most insipid is the Christmas carol.

That's a long way to say that I hate "The Little Drummer Boy." I wake up early on Christmas morning because my hate for that little bastard is so strong it gives me energy.

Written in 1941 as a choral arrangement for amature and girl's choirs, the song was recorded first by the Trapp Family Singers in 1951 as "Carol of the Drum." You may know that group because the last time you saw them they were escaping Nazis over the Alps to the sound of music. Not the most popular version, though, as Jack Halloran's arrangement took the world by storm. His version is the one you know today, just as you know all his other songs such as "That Other Drummer Boy" and "Jesus Take the Wheel."

Later, Hendrix fucking rocked that shit.

But what the hell is that song about? It's a little drummer boy, sure, but what's he up to? Why is he drumming?

Motherfucker is playing to a baby.

From the lyrics, the story goes that the magi invited along a kid with a drum to see the baby Jesus. They've got gold, frankenstein, and murray, but the kid is like "I'm not giving no baby my drum."

The magi are like "well, we all brought something."

And the little drummer boy is like, "I'll play him some shit."

So he does. Mary nods because there's three weird dudes and a drummer kid. You can debate all day about where they showed up. It's popular to say the manger because that looks cool, but from what I found the magi showed up months or even years later.

Imagine that conversation:

Magi: Hey, we heard there's a baby king dude here.

Mary: I mean, I have a baby and some shepherds and an angel said some stuff.

Magi: Cool. We brought him some shit.

Mary: Awesome! We could use diapers and a stroller and a camel seat…

Magi: We got some smelly stuff.

Mary: That's nice.

Magi: Also we brought along this kid who was playing a wicked drum solo. Figured the baby king would dig it.

Mary nods.

Little drummer boy plays.

Magi: Wow, that did not go over well for a baby. Here's some gold. Sorry about that.

And that's how Christmas began.