Lady Bird (2017) Movie Review that dared to fellate Sacramento and tell a story

Question: How much does this movie love Sacramento? Answer: So much. Almost too much that it's distracting.

    Lady Bird follows the life of the self-named "Lady Bird," a seventeen year old kid who is about to have an entire high school experience in two hours. She joins a club, gets friends, loses friends, gets a boyfriend, gets laid, gets drunk, gets high, gets all the things and more. Also her mom is up her shit and they are just not a happy family.

    But they love each other, right?

    I don't really know. Honestly.

    I think the problem is the Sacramento stuff. The Big Tomato (is that really Sacramento's nickname?) stands in thematically for that every hometown that people escape from and then look back on fondly. But it's just a little too… Sacramento. Before this movie I had never thought this hard on Sacramento and now I feel like I would recognize places there while driving around and that kinda misses the "everytown" theme.

    I liked the movie. Go see it. It's Rushmore meets Juno and all the shit with Molly Ringwald. You could say that Lady Bird's dyed hair is a commentary on Mrs. Ringwald. Think about it.

Hats off to Christmas! (2013) Movie Review and holy shit ahahahahahaa I'm insane

Get this shit: Haylie Duff works in a store in a smallish town that sells exclusively Santa hats. The place has a fucking warehouse and everything. She thinks because she worked hard, she's going to get put in charge some day. However, the boss somehow did not jump on the Santa hat boom of the 2000s hard enough so has invited his business Son to run the company.

    You want me to go on? Fucking okay.

    Son gets the job, cause he's a businessman, and Duff has to train him how to run a Santa hat store. Then he starts befriending her son.

    I know.

    Just as we think Son is not a bad, slicked hair business man with a heart of coal, he stands up the kid for the big pumpkin carving contest. Did I mention this kid is in a wheelchair?

    We are told this is a hellish thing, but Son gets another chance to prove to Kid he's worthy to be a… dad? Friend? Duff and Son are not going out or really very romantic until the script says they have to be. Anyway, the last chance is a soap box car race.

    Wheelchair kid in a soapbox car race. I'm done, Hallmark. You win. Way to Photoshop out the cleavage on the poster, btw.

The Man Who Invented Christmas (2017) Movie Review that will charm the Dickens off you. The Dick-ens.

Charles Dickens, master storyteller, has a little money trouble due to his dad being a jerk and his books not selling. Then he has an idea, one that will change the world and make people the world over complain about the phrase "Happy Holidays." That idea is to set a story during the Christmas season and base it around family and the morality of an old bastard. Thus we have A Christmas Carol.

    I was on board from jump. What is basically a sequel to Shakespeare in Love (1998, the movie that didn't deserve Best Picture but was a solid story), The Man Who Invented Christmas is a masturbatory act of a screenwriter showing how much trouble it is for a writer to write and the inspiration that the world can bring to genius blah blah blah. I like to write things and I like to see the creative process in the act, even if it is twenty feet tall with its Dickens in its hand.

    Yeah, I'm a child and love that Dickens joke.

    The movie is charming with just enough real life to make the drama "matter." We know the dude wrote the story and that he was a little crazy with his family. What matters is the people and the characters, something the story draws out with pure empathetic emotions.

   Plus, Christopher Plummer as Scrooge is a must see. Just damn good.

American Made (2017) Movie Review and Tom Cruise didn't do that

I have a problem. I had the same problem in Valkyrie. I like Tom Cruise. Whatever personal shit he deals with, he's a likeable actor who always delivers. As Tom Cruise. I call it Movie Star Syndrome. Tom Cruise will always be Tom Cruise no matter if he's a super spy or a janitor. I can't buy Tom Cruise as a Nazi or a drug smuggler, though.

    Barry Seal was a real guy that the CIA used as a pilot. He made a lot of money because while taking pictures and running guns to contras he also ran cocaine and other illegal crap for the South American drug cartels. It caught up with him in the end and we know about the man because of declassified intelligence.

    Tom Cruise plays Barry Seal but Tom Cruise was never Barry Seal. He's charismatic and open, running around as a family man and a small town businessman. He should have been a real scumbag, though, and I just can't see it in Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise saves the day, he doesn't get shot in the face.

    For the overall experience, the movie is good. Stunts and writing are on point. The acting is well done and the story holds together with a feel of realism that never made the outlandish things feel fake. However, it just kinda drops near the end with a payoff that doesn't work.

    And he's always Tom Cruise.

Goodbye Christopher Robin (2017) Movie Review that f*&king cheated, that silly old bear

When do you let a movie get away with shit? We all like a twist ending, right? Something that redefines a movie and the characters in context. Even a bad twist ending makes a movie memorable. But at what point do we call bullshit?

    A.A. Milne has a bunch of problems. He came back from the Great War with his head all crazy, he has a wife that's a bit on the materialistic side, and the kid they had to save their marriage is just a pain. So his wife ditches him in the woods with the kid and Milne has to play "make-em-ups" to entertain the kid. Those "make-em-ups" turn out to be Winnie-the-Pooh, an international sensation that ruins the kid's life.

    So where does the cheating come into play? The movie starts with a military man delivering a letter and Mama Milne crying. Spoiler alert: The kid is fine. When the story flashes back and catches up, turns out the kid walks home from World War 2 like a boss. Except he's annoying now.

    Really, though, that's just the second worst part of the story. The worst is the grown up Christopher Robin. To be honest, even he's not bad. The acting is solid, the movie is charming, and I really did enjoy my time. Check it out when you want a slow drama.

Kingsman: Golden Circle (2017) Movie Review that made just as many ass jokes as I thought they would

Kingsman opens up where we left off our favorite band of poncy super spies. The main guy has his girlfriend, the realm is at peace, and Mr. Darcy is dead as shit. Then a drug kingpin lady comes along and blows everybody to hell.

    The central theme of the second one of these movies is to make a second one of these movies. Blow some shit up. Be as British as you can be while also trying to be both fast and furious with as many guest stars as possible. For the most part, it works.

    The spy vs spy stuff is just over the top enough to work. Add in all the cameos (I'd shame Elton John but he just made me smile) and you have a fun action flick.

    I hate when people say "it doesn't take itself too seriously." Yes it does. That's why the jokes work. Everyone acting tricked me into believing this nonsense is real, which is why Fast and the Furious and the OG Point Break work while whatever Leslie Nielsen was doing at the end failed. Leslie stopped being a part of the joke and became the joke.

    Should you see this piece of shit? I dunno. Look deep in your soul. Do you smile at the sight of orange flames and red blood? Then yeah, sure. And there's an ass joke or two that's subtle enough for grandma.

Justice League (2017) Movie Review and how I began to love the bomb

There's a point in Justice League when I started to say, "Hey, this ain't my little brother's Superman."

    Full disclosure, I don't have a little brother and never had that point. I just wanted to say that and now I feel a little ashamed.

    Batman has a parademon problem and thinks he's gonna need some buds to help him out. He gathers Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Flash, and zombie Superman up and they get to punching shit. That's about it.

    If you come to these superhero movies looking for anything other than two to three hours of explosions then brother or sister, you need to shut the computer and take a walk. Even Christopher Nolan could not move this genre out of the "punch it until it's ideologically sound." If you say different, well, I'm happy for you.

    I say that to say this: DC has produced the bottom of the barrel of content. Wonder Woman is the exception that proves the rule. Given her screen time here, I hope you saw the acting talent Snyder gave her ass.

    So when I say that this movie is passable as a hungover Sunday indulgence, I do not say that lightly. A few jokes land, you can see the action at times, and the plot is pretty straight forward.

It Follows (2014) Movie Review wherein I was bored for a while then while getting milk I was like, brrrr, that would be creepy

The idea is simple: you have sex and a thing chases you until it gets you and you die. Maybe. Nothing's really sure in what people have been calling the best horror movie until Get Out got out.

    On the surface, I'm down. Good premise. Nice looking kids doing their all to thwart a being hell bent on killing… one of them. And that's it. Don't fuck Jay and you're safe.

    That's the issue, right? As far as we know. The director/writer came out recently and said there's more to it. The rules we learn are formed by the characters in the movie, so the It might have more to It.

    That's the basis for good horror. A nameless shapeshifting thing is coming to fuck-murder you for no apparent reason other than it seems to dislike fornication. Or really like it. The unknown is the cornerstone of great horror.

    Unfortunately, this mumbly movie kinda just makes its way along. Everyone is realistic and with this monster, that's kinda dull.

At least it wasn't cute and named The Strange or anything like that.

Casablanca (1942) Movie Review in which I mean, what the hell, go see it

I don't want to be the one to tell you, but if you haven't seen Casablanca you are a broken, unfulfilled person. The simple love story of Rick and Elsa with the backdrop of WW2 should be on everyone's "to watch" list.

    Humphrey Bogart stars as Rick, a man without a country in the land of Casablanca where life is cheap and getting out is expensive. In comes a couple of problems, some illegally obtained letters of transit and Ingrid Bergman, the person who broke Ricky's heart and now needs to get out. Oh, and she's got a man with her. Add in some Nazis and some unscrupulous folks and this soup is done.

    Still, what else can you say has been around for damn near a century and still works? And with film, that's doubly hard. Effects get dated, themes get lost, overall ideas are faded by the memory of time.

    Casablanca has not faded because the timeless ideas of love and loss and good and evil and even the vast shades of gray still hold up. The music and the acting and the sets are just so damn good. And the lines…

    I'm rambling, but I will leave you with the one moment I still dislike: the Tango Delle Rose part. I just don't like it and after nearly 20 years of watching this movie it is nails on chalkboard.

Lego Ninjago Movie (2017) Movie Review and the dreams I had while I slept through it

Five minutes into the Lego Ninjago Movie I fell into an deep and infintiely more exciting dream. In the dream I myself was a ninja, but I worked at a library. A library ninja, if you will. I was going about my normal library tasks but dressed as a ninja.

    I woke up to see a cast of plastic, Toy Story (1995) inspired creatures jumping and yelling and doing fuck all if I could tell. Someone once said these Lego movies were a mash up of Airplane! (1980) and Avengers (2012). Fuck that person right in the ear with a plastic interlocking brick.

    If you like the Lego games, good. Great for you. Same about the movies. In my opinion, the first Lego Movie (2014) was a delighful suprise. Lego Batman (2017 holy shit that came out this year? Thanks Trump for extending my life with an unending sense of dread) was crap. Shiny crap, but just too much. This movie extends on that crap by taking out the Batman and leaving all the stuff I hated.

    I don't know shit about Ninjago and after sitting through this movie, I care even less. I fell asleep three more times, continuing my ninja librarian dream. I helped a patron photocopy, found the paper in the book drop, and craeated a library card, all while wearing a ninja mask. And I was super bummed every time I woke up.

Last Flag Flying (2017) Movie Review that has Steve Carell at his most vulnerable.

Steve Carell sitting in a metal folding chair, holding a folded American flag will haunt me for a good long while. The scene around it has Bryan Cranston yelling and Laurence Fishburne giving us his cool stare, but Carell in that chair…

    Carell plays a man who has just learned his son has died in service so he goes and gets his two old army buddies to bring his boy home. Essentially a road picture, Last Flag Flying is an examination on the nature of brotherhood in service and war in general. Where it lands is often on the side of the people, a good side if there is one where most sides end up with dead children.

    I had no idea what I was going to see. I saw the actors and the flag on the poster and thought, "well, I've got two hours even if this does end up being some commercial for the military." Two hours later… Well, Steve Carell in that chair.

Coco (2017) Movie Review: Fun flick with lots of murder. And where's Hitler?

Let's not talk about the Frozen short, shall we? Better left unsaid. Years from now, people will tell the story of the short that came before Pixar's latest film with an unbelieving tone. Can you believe someone was stupid enough to pair a twenty minute Josh Gad holiday monstrosity in front of an actual story with weight and meaning, not just as a story but for an underrepresented minority?

    Coco is the story of Miguel, a boy whose family won't let him play music, the thing he's born to do. Lucky for him, his story coincides with the Day of the Dead, the one day when the dead and the living intermingle. Miguel and his family learn important lessons about togetherness, history, love, and murder.

    Oh, did they not tell you Coco's base story included some murder? Like, hardcore stuff man. In fact, without spoiling too much, you could compare the story to that of another Pixar movie, Up…

    Okay, spoilers. Sorry. Whatever, I got to work some shit out. Go see the movie and come back.

    So the hero of this story goes to a magical land, finds his hero, realizes his hero is a murderer, and through the help of newly acquired friends defeats the bad guy… Yeah, kinda like Up. I mean, except with less guns and more poison. How did De La Cruz have that poison at the ready to kill Hector, anyway? He was planning on doing that all along, right?

    And the dog turning into a helper animal, I've seen that before too, huh? And not just the caterpillar in Bug's Life getting those shitty wings.

    Oh, and fuck that grandma for busting the guitar. I know this is a heightened reality and all, but what the hell? That's abusive and wrong. Hit the kid with a shoe or whatever, but don't go John Belushi on his past time just because you have issues. And not even you, your grandma had issues.

    And when was this movie set? It seemed like present day, but the kid uses VHS and nobody has a cell phone. I mean, that's cool, it didn't impact the plot, maybe it's the 90s or something or Mexico is a technological wasteland. Just weird.

    And what happens to all your stuff when you finally fade away as a dead person? Seems like that guy, the one with the cans and whatever, his crap was up for grabs. If there's a nuclear war, do all the dead people vanish en masse?

    And where was Hitler and Charles Manson? The really bad guys people remember? The movie didn't seem to divide things into Heavens and Hells, so there's some pretty bad dudes who are still remembered running around, right? I bet some asshole out there is putting their pictures on shrines, so you know they get to run around. And before you say stuff, Ernesto was a straight up murderer rather people knew it or not, so the afterlife does not have a catch-all judgement system.

    That's it. I can't think of anything else.

Talking Dahmer at the Circ Desk

The cart was filled with books from the book drop. The library assistant wheeled it to the circulation desk and watched the stack teeter.

    The second library assistant, Carl, watched Pam and the books. He said, "I saw that movie, the one about Dahmer?"

    Pam pulled a few books from the middle of the stack as if playing a giant game of Jenga. "Yeah?"

    "Yeah. It had this scene in it where Jeffrey Dahmer starts making noise in the library, like acting out to be funny, and I wondered how many of our patrons are gonna become serial killers," Carl said.

    "I could name one or two," Pam said.

    "I'm serious," Carl said.

    Pam reached for more books from the pile, but they fell on her, crushing her under the weight. She gasped and the weight bore down and pushed the breath from her lungs. Carl watched as the life drifted from Pam's eyes. He waited, seeing the inner light fade to a distinct nothing. Then, per the library handbook, he began collecting the books lest they become haunted by Pam's eternal soul.

    "Anyway, it was a good movie," Carl said.

Blade Runner 2049 (2017) Movie Review: Gorgeous, Loud, and Slooooowwww

I might have a sleeping problem. Put me in a dark room with a big screen and I go all Kevin Bacon in Stir of Echoes. Total hypnotism. You could probably even make me like the Blade Runner franchise.

    I get it. Don't tell me I don't get it. Far flung future with robot-lite slaves who want to be free. A noir-ish person who hunts them down and in the case of the narrative stumbles upon giant questions. Gorgeous visuals. Striking sound. Acting above reproach. Everything about Blade Runner and the sequel are amazing.

    I just don't give a shit. All that, for me, adds up to a nearly three hour nap. If Zimmer's score wasn't there to jolt me and the people two blocks away out of their seats with a giant "BUH-WAAAAAAA" every ten minutes or so, I might have just been in a park. There might have been less contact with sticky floors.

    The deep existential questions about being and not being, creation and life, those all got me back with Thoreau and any other navel gazer I happened to read in college. Just because they are wrapped up science fiction hopes and dreams doesn't make them more appealing to me.

    But hey, that's me. If you love a gorgeous movie well acted that asks all the big questions while taking its time, you'll love the hell out of Blade Runner.

Murder on the Orient Express (2017) Movie Review: Shit Goes Down on a Train, Y'all

Man, you ever loved something and had someone you loved involve themselves with that thing and then… Eh? Just falls short just a little? Not great as you hoped? Welcome to life, Sad Sally, you just became a little more adult.

    Agatha Christie's classic story of a murder on a train plays out pretty straight in the 2017 Kenneth Branagh adaptation. There's a train, period appropriate clothing, actors acting their assess off, all that stuff. Sure, they threw in some sex and violence because we're different today and that's fine. Nothing much changed there.

    Just a little problem… Poirot. Not Branagh's performance. Dude acts the shit out of everything. He was even great in Wild Wild West and that's a giant pile of poo. His Poirot, however, is off. Here, the character is played like TV's Monk with a dead wife and random order problems. In the books, he's more like TV's House with being an asshole who happens to be smart. It changes a lot of things and I just can't get over it.

    Still, though, this was a fun night out. The acting really is great. I mean, I really wanted to kill Johnny Depp and root for Daisy Ridley as a hero. That's never happened before. Neither of them.

Happy Death Day (2017) Movie Review: This Ain't Your Momma's Groundhog Day, Sonny

A world exists where you are dead. Someone or something killed you, just for shits and giggles. The world is a dark and dangerous place. Or happier. I don't know you.

    So what would happen if you could remember that world? What if when that thing or person killed you, you got to start over like in Groundhog Day, reliving the day again? That's how Tree (Rothe, and yeah, that's the character's name) finds herself on her birthday.

    Go see this movie. Not because it's the best movie of the year, but because I want more movies like this. If you haven't already, go see this movie and then go on Netflix and watch The Babysitter as a double feature because I want more fun horror movies out there.

    You know how murder movies normally have disposable, hateful characters that you want to die at the killer's hands as soon as possible? This movie has that. Then the shitty character dies… and dies again… and again… and then learns not to be shitty. It's really damn good for what it is, it knows what it is, and it let's things play out like they will.

    Will you guess the killer? Sure. Will you care? I dunno, you're you. You know if that kind of shit matters to you. I just enjoy well told, solid movies that have laughs and jumps.

Burn After Reading (2008) Movie Review: You don't know shit. Or the shit.

You find a CD full of secrets and are in need of a great deal of money. Let's say your daughter needs surgery. If you don't have a daughter, let's say you need surgery. If you would just let yourself die, well, then, fuck you I'm not talking to you, print this out and give it to someone who cares.

    What I'm saying, you find government secrets. What do you do? Turn them in? Try to get some money for them?

    That's the situation in this Coen Brothers blackest of black comedies. Linda (McDormand) and her dumbass friend Chad (Pitt) go after the money of Cox (Malkovich) not knowing he has no money. Also George Clooney is fucking everybody. I don't remember his characters name.

    This is the best version of a fiasco, summed up in the end by a character asking another what the hell was going on the whole time, something I'm sure the audience is meant to ask. The other character shrugs. Such is life.

    Should you watch this movie? I'm supposed to tell you this, but I don't know you. You might like straightforward, white hats and black hats fighting it out and ending in a kiss and a quip. But this ain't James Bond. This is Frank Bond, the lesser Bond film that might have one time written a song for a soundtrack but otherwise rambles on until its done.

I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House (2016) Movie Review: So Much Title, Space is Jelly

A quiet dark hallway and a score that lumbers along as a character and camera creep along waiting… The house sits and allows you to feel alone with Lily as she cares for the aging horror novelist. Then I fell asleep.

    That's not saying this movie is bad. I fall asleep in a lot of movies. It's winter and when the lights are low and I'm comfortable, I just slip away. It pisses off my ladyfriend.

    My sleep habits have nothing to do with the movie I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House, the longest title that I have to keep looking up. Just go to typing and I'm like, "What' the name of that house movie with the lady in it? The pretty one? Fuckin 'The Pretty Lady That Hangs Out in the Crib'? Or 'I Am the Person Living Around the Block With My Gran.' Whatever, Google."

    What can I say about this movie? That it's well shot, well acted, well edited, well lit, well written, well well aren't we fancy, well in the well. I can say all that and get away with it because it's true.

    So when I talk about the name, the biggest problem with the movie, I'm only saying that because when I tell people, I don't like saying "You'll love the hell out of this quiet thriller named 'This Lady Lives in a House and Sees Ghosts But Maybe Not." Fucking hard to remember, that.

For a Good Time Call (2012) Movie Review: Do You Like Phone Sex?

When I need money, I'm gonna totally start up with selling some sex. Except my Amazon erotica ain't selling. Maybe I should be a lady or get some talent. That's what Lauren and Katie learn in this love letter to phone sex.

    In this movie… You know what? I'll just quote imdb:

"Former college frenemies Lauren and Katie move into a fabulous Gramercy Park apartment, and in order to make ends meet, the unlikely pair start a phone sex line together."

    Let's break this down to see if you want to watch this movie:

    Do you use the non-word "frenemies?"

    Do you hate seeing privileged white girls live in elaborate apartments in New York City's super rich apartment?

    Do you believe that privileged white girls would have so much difficulty finding work they would have to get into phone sexery?

    Do you think two white girls who would both use the term "frenemy" an "unlikely pair?"

    And there's all the phone sex and use of Justin Long saying "cock." I mean, I think he said it. He's the token gay character so he should have.

    If you said "no" to any of these sentences, well, maybe go watch Thor Ragamuffin again. There's no nudity here.

1922 (2017) Movie Review: How I'd Get Away With Murder

How would you get away with murder? Would you talk your son into helping you kill your wife so she doesn't sell her land and leave you wanting in a world that is moving on? If so, wow, very specific of you. You're just like Thomas Jane in 1922.

    This atmospheric re-telling of both Poe's The Tell Tale Heart and Lovecraft's Rats in the Walls succeeds on every level. The characters start likeable and quickly become monsters as circumstances based on their oown actions snowball into hell. Jane's mumbling Wilfred conives his way into your heart as you lean closer just to hear what bullshit he's mumbling.

    That being said, I'm not gonna kill anyone no matter what this movie wants me to do. But if I did…

    If I had access to a corn field that wasn't ready to harvest any time soon, that's where I'd bury the body.

    If I had a son, I'd totally tell the dad of the girl he's seeing to keep an eye on my son and their daughter.

    If my son run oft with his prego baby-mama, kid's dead to me. Fuck that kid. Seriously, fuck that kid with a pineapple.

    If a rat bit me, I'd get that looked at. Right away. Cause farm rats gross, bro.