13. Masterminds (2016) Movie Review: It'll steal you time because it's kind of a waste

When people sit down to make movies, they don't say "Let's stink up the joint." It doesn't matter if they don't say it, though, because more often than that they crap the toaster. Masterminds aims for middling humor and falls short.

    The plan was simple: dumbass David Ghantt (Galifianakis) is to use his armoured car job to hijack millions of dollars. Then he runs to Mexico and hides out. Soon his lady love (Wiig) follows, and they live the big life after the man with the plan (Wilson) sends them their cut of the cash. Then it all goes to hell.

    When the Berlin school began developing Gestalt theories of psychology, they did not reckon on so many right pieces creating such a wrong whole. The acting is solid with Galifianakis and Wiig pulling off convincing dumbass yet lovestruck roles. Even Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis come off as menacing evil doers. The plot meanders but is pretty straight forward. Moments come that are hilarious, I remember laughing, but none of them come to mind now.

    In my capacity as a guy who watches movies and then pretends to give and honest opinion, I can't recommend you watch this. I can not say to log into Netflix, now $9.99, and find for "Masterminds" using their simplified search feature. Netflix, for when you want to watch something on your television through the internet.

2. Bright (2017) Movie Review: A waste of charm and time

It's popular by being infamous, both because the writer is a jerk, the main star is charming and laughably unable to pick a good movie, and just racism. We sat and watched Bright and wow that was a waste of time.

    Will Smith stars as Denzel Washington in Training Day in this buddy cop drama with a twist. The whole world is upside down in this wacky story. Imagine if Lord of the Rings kept going and evolved into our world. Humans are pretty much like our world, elves are rich and rule everything, and orcs are treated like assholes. Smith and his partner, the first orc police man, find a young girl and a magic wand and must keepkkdkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

    I fell asleep on my keyboard.

    First Matt Damon in Downsizing and now Will Smith. To be fair, Smith is not sleeping through this role. Dude has all the charisma and life that you can get in a person and this role is just… nothing. I mean, wow. Dump Trucks of cash must have been involved in this production to get Smith and David Ayer on this. Probably the same trucks from Suicide Squad.

    And will everyone stop telling me Ayer deserves credit for Training Day. Sure, he did a really good thing in writing. His most recent efforts are just not worthy. Not even the "racism commentary" in this movie is interesting or enough to keep the story going as it feels like a side effect thrown in when Landis realized his story was dated and old hat.

The Foreigner (2017) Movie Review: Jackie Chan is Tranquil Fury

There was a Doctor Who episode that asked the question, what happens when a good man goes to war? There's a bunch of poetry folded in on that, but for the most part, if that good man is Jackie Chan, people die. Lots of them.

    Chan plays a restaurant owner in London who, after watching his daughter die from a politically motivated bombing, decides to terrorize everyone responsible using a special set of skills. His main opposition is Pierce Brosnan, a former IRA bomber turned politician, who is trying to sweep the whole mess under the rug. A bunch of twists and turns later and we get a fairly well-done action political thriller that is filled with more grit than laughs.

    I want to give Chan a hug. For decades, he was the action man that never played a villain and who attacked scores of baddies with ladders and stuff. Sometime in the last decade or so, though, the Hollywood machine has turned him into a great dramatic actor, first glimpsed as Mr. Miyagi in the Karate Kid remake that should not be spoken of. He shines in this role of the silent avenger working out his grief on people's faces.

    A surprising movie, this one is a matinee or a rental if you have need for something in the Taken school of film.

American Made (2017) Movie Review and Tom Cruise didn't do that

I have a problem. I had the same problem in Valkyrie. I like Tom Cruise. Whatever personal shit he deals with, he's a likeable actor who always delivers. As Tom Cruise. I call it Movie Star Syndrome. Tom Cruise will always be Tom Cruise no matter if he's a super spy or a janitor. I can't buy Tom Cruise as a Nazi or a drug smuggler, though.

    Barry Seal was a real guy that the CIA used as a pilot. He made a lot of money because while taking pictures and running guns to contras he also ran cocaine and other illegal crap for the South American drug cartels. It caught up with him in the end and we know about the man because of declassified intelligence.

    Tom Cruise plays Barry Seal but Tom Cruise was never Barry Seal. He's charismatic and open, running around as a family man and a small town businessman. He should have been a real scumbag, though, and I just can't see it in Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise saves the day, he doesn't get shot in the face.

    For the overall experience, the movie is good. Stunts and writing are on point. The acting is well done and the story holds together with a feel of realism that never made the outlandish things feel fake. However, it just kinda drops near the end with a payoff that doesn't work.

    And he's always Tom Cruise.