Snow White and the Seven Dwarves (1937) is a dying dream

Gonna start going through the whole Disney animated patheon to justify my Disney+ subscription. You've been warned.

Directed and Written by Shitload of people 

Starring Roy Atwell, Stuart Buchanan, Adriana Caselotti

A classic story of a young woman who escapes her abusive home and taken in by a bunch of dirty boys, Snow White was Disney's first toe in the all old people are evil and your mom will die genre. The first feature length animated film captures the fairy tale format pretty hard, showing rough edges around the animation and, well, everything. It seems very simple and it is, with faces kinda floating on bones of water while the plot is pretty basic. That being said, it's competent and the sheer amount of people involved make this kinda amazing it ever happened.

My personal history with this movie is… that it always existed. It's one of those pop culture artifacts. Only by looking at it this time, seeing the weirdness, have I concluded that Snow White was killed by the Huntsman and the rest of the movie is a dying dream of hers. Notes will explain.

Notes (may contain spoilers)

How often does the Queen ask the mirror? Slave?

For real, she just steps up and is like "am i the prettiest, slave?" and the mirror is like, no girl. That one is. Snow White looks at least sixteen, so it's not like she just woke up hot. I'm not gonna get into "becoming a woman," I just want to know how the Queen pencils this shit in and when.

Nobody checks on princess in rags? 

She's a princess with at least one parent who died mysteriously. The Queen cared enough to try to use cats paws and trickery to take her out but does not seem to care about how the princess looks, even to the people in the castle. Just weird nobody said, well, that's not right. Not even the prince was like "why are you dressed like shit?"

Who made the heart box?

Not saying the Queen can't do a little woodworking, but she has a few hobbies already: potion making, prisoner torturing, bird talking… Just saying she seemed to have that thing on thand to bust it out and be like "gimme girl heart."

How come flower getting dress is so nice?

I might have answered this. The flower dress (classic non-rags) could be the "going out" attire. Doesn't have anything to do with her fairness or whatever, but maybe Snow White kept some nice clothes as she leaves the castle away from dicknose stepmom.

Good horror animation

Pointing out the woods and all the great horror elements there. I really loved how the trees and plants transformed into grasping claws and hands. Animation on point here.

Cute animals sing for her 

The purity of Snow White cannot be overcome by wild animals. She sings, they obey her siren song.

No one's home, go on in with critters

This is just wrong. If you see an obviously occupied house in the woods, don't go in. This is how horror movies start. Or end. Just saying not everything you do in Red Dead Redemption can work out okay.

Animals give a shit about clean

Did I make you mad with that "siren song" comment earlier? Here you go. Let a wild bird, deer, or racoon into your house and see how much they give a shit about cleaning, even if they do seem to like you.

Mouse and spider don't give a fuck

The delineation between critters is weird. All the cute animals are helpful, the rodents and nasty bastards are all about telling the cute ones to fuck off. Kinda like the mouse and spider, and by extension the owl and bats in the forrest from earlier.

Doesn't know her subjects or where the jewels come from

Man, rich people. Ooo, a small house full of small furniture and pickaxes. Must be children. You know the castle heard at least once about the dwarves pulling jewels out of the mountain. No way you build that big fuck off castle without knowing the important people in your domain, yet Snow White is oblivious because she's just been living off this wealth. I'm not saying every sixteen year old today knows who or where their iPhone came from, but there's like ten people in this cast.

Key to vault on door

The dwarves care enough about their jewels to have a vault yet leave the key hanging outside. Who are they protecting them against? Those birds that steal shiny shit?

She didn't clean the bedroom

Girl and her mind-controlled animals clean a whole house, yet skip the upstairs bedroom. Think about that. Seven dudes in a dirty ass house and the one place you skip is the bedroom. Maybe I had a different college experience than you did but gross.

Sneezy super breath

You know who can blow people over with a breath? Superman. Fuck all anybody else but Sneezy.

Dopey is canary Harpo with good comedy

Finding out somebody broke into their house, the dwarves send in Dopey, who I am pretty sure is a victim of gas poisoning that took away his hair and smarts. Just like with the house, the dwarves send him down a mine shaft first. After too many times passing out from toxic gas, we get Dopey. That being said, his silent comedy reminiscent of Harpo from the Marx Brothers is the best laughs of the movie.

Grumpy knows shit, conspiracies

Grumpy's the first to start in on the conspiracy theories that she's sent there to get them. Has being a grumpy bastard always been tied with wild theories?

Poison apple or just stab her?

The mirror tells the Queen that Snow White is alive and with the dwarves. Instead of finding an even eviler bastard or just becoming an old woman with a knife, the Queen gets up to some poison apple making. It get that when all you have is a hammer, the world is full of nails, but come the fuck on. Who goes right to "poison sleep her with an apple?"

Dig dwarf hoedown

Not gonna lie, the dwarves can fucking party.

Her story sucks

They ask her for a love story, and she sings a song. Not what they asked for, but they eat that shit up.

Dopey has puppy dreams and soft ass

Somebody just wanted Dopey to be a dog. It's cute as shit, though. Plus the other dwarf fluffing up his ass as a pillow to get some sleep. Just jarring.

Antidote?

The queen spent a long damn night making herself into an old woman and dipping an apple into a skull before thinking "wonder if they can cure this?" You know what doesn't have an antidote in medieval time? Fucking ax to the face. Also, super lucky that the antidote matches Snow White's deepest wish to get down with the prince.

Don't trust old people with a hard sell

Just good advice.

Mob rule and kill the old lady

These are the best guys to have on your side. Animal friends say something happened to the pretty lady, let's not check on the pretty lady, but instead hunt down the old lady who we saw coming out of the house. What were they gonna do when they caught her? Fuckin who knows.

She just ditches them?

So put yourself in SW's shoes. You run from evil, find companionship with some dudes who are ride or die, then fuck up and sleep for a year, then get some dick. What do you do? Fuck all those people who helped you, ride off into the sunset.

Castle in the sky, she dead

But what's in that sunset? The prince's castle? That's not where castles live. That's heaven. Think back. SW gets attacked by someone she trusts. As the Huntsman's knife sinks into her heart, she dreams that he's nice and spares her. Her mind goes dark, like the forrest, until she finds a bunch of animals that she can control. Then some dudes. Of course, her adversary is true evil with magic powers, not just some mean old lady, so SW has to sleep and go dark until the dude she met once comes along and takes her away to paradise. 

I promise not to pull out the "dying dream" too much in these fairy tale Disney stories, but this one seems the most applicable.