Written and Directed by Just Everybody at Disney

Starring Dickie Jones (lot of westerns), Christian Rub (lot of war movies), Mel Blanc (lot of looney tunes)

When a kind old toymaker wishes on a star, a fairy grants the man's puppet life. Now the puppet has to figure out life and how to be a real boy. By real boy, they mean not a dumbass who makes a few mistakes. It's super entertaining yet infuriating all the trouble Pinocchio gets himself into but understandable given the world he lives in is as fantastic as it is predatory.

Like Snow White before this, I have no idea when Pinocchio entered my life. It was always there, just out of sight with blurry edges around the story. Watching it now as part of my Disney+ justification, it is amazing how big the leap in animation is from Snow White. While still a loose plot that jumps from set piece to set piece, I gave way more of a shit about this puppet and the people around him.

Notes below (beware spoilers for an 80 year old movie)

1. Jiminy Cricket in Snow White and telling the story

Forgot while talking about Snow White, Doc kept saying "Jiminy Cricket." No idea if this was an inspiration for the little conscious that tells the story, but hey, I'm noticing things.

2. Smoking in bed and ordering the cat around

Before making the wish, Geppeto, the kindly old toymaker, lights up his pipe in bed and then orders his cat when he's too lazy to open the window. Man, if you're gonna smoke in your house, much less your bed, open your own damn window. Figaro's too cute to be your cat-servant.

3. Wishing star poem

When Geppeto wishes on the star, he says a little poem (that I thought my mom taught me. Maybe she knew it from her mom, "Star Light, Star Bright" is an old ass poem, or maybe she got it from here and is a big intellectual property thief. Either way, I'm still gonna say it when I see a shooting star.

4. Blue Fairy can get it

Man, she's hot. Just saying.

5. 16 and a half minutes until Pinocchio comes alive

I got a habit of checking in when the inciting incident starts, and man, it takes Pinocchio almost 17 minutes before getting his ass up. In movies this usually happens around the ten minute mark (50 pages or so for a novel), but Disney just said to hell with it and drew this thing out.

6. Match on ass and gun under pillow

Sure, he smokes in bed, but Geppetto is capable of lighting a match by striking it on his ass and has a gun under his pillow. Dude is not one to fuck with.

7. Kid immediately on fire

Great at home protection, kinda shitty dad. His first action is lighting Pinocchio on fire. The kid does it to himself, sure, but it's true you can't leave kids around dads without some shit happening.

8. Talking fox surprised by wooden boy

So for the first 20 minutes or so, the only magical element is the cricket talking (blue fairy too, but she's at least human shaped). Then as Pinocchio goes to school (who ships a newborn off to school?), we meet Honest John, a walking talking fox. And that walking fox is then surprised by a wooden boy walking around. How is anyone surprised by anything in this place?

9. Gideon is Dopey

Honest John has a lackey cat named Gideon. Now I have to keep track of all the silent dumb characers that Disney uses to steal the show. They always have the best jokes.

10. No strings song

Come'on. You know and I know that Pinocchio is gonna be sold into puppet slavery, but how great is the no strings song? Just a fun number...

11. Sexy puppets while singing

...with some weird sexy puppet women insinuating some pretty grown up stuff to our newborn Pinocchio.

12. Stromboli weird stereotype

I'm not sure what the Italian stereotype was in the 1940s, but Stromboli just feels weird and off. A dirty, mean kidnapper, even his name feels off. I get villains are not supposed to be great people, but this feels like overstepping.

13. Deus ex Fairy and lying

Pinocchio wanted to be an actor, did great on the stage, then gets thrown in a cage. His cricket buddy can't get him out, so he sits and cries. Then along comes a blue fairy comes along, totally capable of saving his ass, and what does he do? Lies to her. Sure it gets us the growing nose gag, but what the hell hero? I get that he's a newborn, but who taught him lying?

14. Power of Paradise Island

Skipping ahead, Pinocchio learns nothing from his Stromboli kidnapping and gets sold again by Honest John. He parties hard at Paradise Island to the point that he, like other boys, starts to become a jackass. For real, ears and tail and braying and all. What causes this beyond a quaint saying about making a jackass of one's self? What mystical power does this one island have? I get that letting boys be boys will cause some shitty behavior 63 percent of the time, but do kids just turn into animals there or anywhere?

15. Crying donkey boys disturbing

All confusion about how the kids turn into mules aside, when they start crying for their mamas things got real. Part of me thinks that Disney just got some kids and told them they could not go home. It's dark and really disturbing.

16. Letter from whale?

Pinocchio and the cricket get home to find it empty. Then a letter drops from nowhere telling them Geppetto went looking for them and got eaten by a whale. The fuck? I know the Blue Fairy sent it. You know that. The blue sparkle tells us. But the cricket and the puppet? They read it as a letter like these things come all the time. They just head to the shore. If I got a letter my dad was eaten by a whale and was living there peacefully back in 1885, I would have questions.

17. Cricket underwater

How does Jiminy breathe underwater? Normal crickets can't. I googled that shit. And I'm not alone either, cause google suggested that shit. Weird choice, but the fucker talks too so what do I know about his biology?

18. Geppetto fishing with Cleo

Reason #197 this guy might not be the best father. Cleo the goldfish has some idea about the world around her. She's damn near in lust with the old man and his cat. So what does he do? Fishes in front of her. I mean, that's dark. I know he's keeping her and Figaro alive inside a whale by doing so, but if my dad kept me alive by killing people and eating them… It's weird when we put the shoe on the other foot, huh?

19. Trapped in whale and wooden donkey boy upsets him

I've been ragging on Geppetto as a weird dad, but here he shines. Trapped in a whale with his cat and goldfish, just surviving on whatever gets washed in and not eaten by the whale, and then his son drops in to say hi. He's happy, sure, but also horrified his son is also a wooden boy with flesh donkey parts. Also, how does that work? Flesh growing out of wood would freak me the hell out.

20. Monstro problems

Where do I start? More googling, and I found out Monstro is a sperm whale whose diet is mostly whatever fits in its mouth. People aren't even sure why they have teeth because healthy specimens have been found with little to none of theirs left. Just open up and whatever sticks sticks. So he's good there. But then there's the breathing thing. From the Jiminy underwater stuff earlier, we know Disney does not care about how creatures breathe in this world, but whales famously have blowholes. Sure, there's been one case of a dolphin who can breathe through its mouth, but dude was damaged. Also arguing why a whale big enough to have a boat on fire inside him can sneeze, sure, not a great use of my time. But they can't sneeze.

21. No real bad guy

I think my favorite part about the whole movie was that Pinocchio is his own villain. He is the bad guy to be overcome, his own impulses and desires. It's a great message, even if it does have a fox that sells children, a puppet slaver, a magical island that turns you into whatever animal you act like, and a sneezing whale.

Images owned by Disney

21 Notes about Pinocchio (1940)

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