Mighty Ducks (1992) holds up as a charming sports memory
Directed by Stephen Herek, written by Steven Brill, and starring Emilio Esteves, Lane Smith, a mom, and a bunch of kids who did their best
What do you get when you cross The Karate Kid with Friday Night Lights? If you said The Mighty Ducks, then you read the title of this review. Dickweed lawyer Gordon Bombay (fuck yeah, that's a Minnesota lawyer's name) gets a DUI and is forced to coach peewee hockey's worst team. Along the way, we all learn a little something. Mostly that the 1990s made the best low stakes bad guys, anyone can be redeemed with a little goofy fun, and that ducks fly together. It's darker than you remember.
Below are my notes, may contain spoilers
Good quick backstory
I swear to god I almost typed "quackstory." I'm infested with ducks. Anyway, I really like this fast exposition style delivery of showing little Gordon failing at hockey and growing up to be lawyer Gordon. It's less than a minute, gets the audience ready to see kids suck at a game, and adds some pathos for Gordon who very quickly becomes a giant donkeybag.
DUI opening for our good guy
Annnnnd we see him cheat to win a court case and then get pulled over for drunk driving with an open container. Our hero. The guy we're supposed to root for in this movie is a drunk driving asshole. And then they give him control of a bunch of kids. Only in America.
High speed purse chase
Introing the kids is always fun, because we get to see all their little personalities and how they interact. Not gonna lie, this was kinda funny. Watching a bunch of kids following a dog around after feeding it chili, filling up a purse with the leavings, and then watching as someone picks up the purse and finding the present was just odd. I'm glad kids have phones now, but we used to be creative and have some patience as children. The editing, though, speeding up the film to show a bunch of slow ass kids run faster than a grown man was weak.
He makes them cheat
So we get Bombay with the kids, having him drive out on the ice in a damn limo to prove he's the cool rich guy. Sure, whatever rich man. Then he decides that these losers can only win if they cheat, so he teaches them to take a dive. When that parent comes in, Jesse's dad I think, and tells him "I lost money from my job because I took off to see my kid cheat…" Whooo, buddy. That's a nice wakeup call.
One out of five
Fulton, my man. Big and tough, that kid who is a bit of a mystery and has a great shot. Like Rudy in Monster Squad but with less personality. Bombay finally gathering some kids together that can win, a rag-tag group, just great. And Fulton calling Bombay a moron *chef's kiss*. You don't get quality talking back to adults like that anymore.
Three's company plot
Bombay's become a decent guy, cares about the kids, might be trying to fuck the mom, and then he gets all snotty with his old coach. Talks shit about his team with sarcasm. Here, though, it does kind of work because the kids overhear him and of course they jump to conclusions and take him at face value. Everyone has always talked shit about them, why not the asshole coach who just started to seem cool?
They're all in the same class
The joke comes at the end when all the kids are in detention for first fighting each other and then quacking at the principal. Bombay comes to say he's sorry, and the principal says they're all in detention. All of them. Hahaha. But here's the thing: even if they weren't in detention, they were still all in the same class. How is that a thing that's possible when some of these kids are obviously older than others and… you know what, it doesn't matter.
Withdraw protest, didn't earn it
So Bombay got the rich kid Adam to play for the Ducks through some rule trickery. I like how it does give the Ducks a better player and hurts the Hawks by taking him away, but I also like how Bombay might see himself in Adam. How the coach (Lane Smith, the best Southern Minnesotan) might be turning him bad. Then seeing how the system, including Ducksworth, uses kids despite what the rules say. It's a little high and mighty to say the old man did not earn the jersey, but it feels right. Here is the real victory in the movie. The end game, win or lose, Bombay has walked away better and therefore is now a winner by principal.
Of course, they still beat ass for that last game because this is Disney, and there's no way they would Bad News Bears this shit.
My job
Holy shit this moment. Wow. Adam gets knocked cold by his old friend and when asked what he was doing, the kid just says "My job." That's some cold-blooded shit for a pre-teen, man.