The Worst Library on the Internet
The Worst Library on the Internet
I said a lot of mean shit about A Wrinkle in Time (2018) and I meant every word. Especially the part about adapting a book to movie, tempering readers, studios, and viewers expectations. I still mean that with this book, but more with a shrug and an "attah movie, you tried hard." Perks of Being a Wallflower, adapted by the author, struggles to live up to the prose by giving it a voice it didn't need.
Read MoreFilming a book is hard. You have to live up to the reader's expectations (which is impossible), the expectations of the studio (they have a known thing people like so it should do well), and the general expectations of your average Joe who doesn't want to waste ten plus dollars. Of course, the best creative things tell the expectations to go to hell. The newest remake of A Wrinkle in Time is not one of the best creative things.
Read MoreSome days just suck, huh? Those days where you have to sit and ponder the great things in life like whether to say some shit you know ain't right or have your daughters brutally murdered. Or lie so you can kidnap a dude. Or trust a lady that your boo's homies probably raped with said boo's health. Just a hell of a day in Westeros in the penultimate episode of season one as we contemplate honor and lineage.
Read MoreBack in nineteen eighty something, a blonde lady on the screen made me smile so hard my face hurt. She was screaming about something with Kurt Russell or in a dumb movie with Chevy Chase or in the army or coaching a team… You know, Goldie Hawn was in a lot of places for a long time. And she was brilliant. You know what? She's still brilliant. Snatched does not let that show, though.
Read MorePeople don't have exciting lives. Not most people. They gather, they laugh, they eat, they make little babies to gather, laugh and eat. We tell stories of extraordinary people to feel extraordinary and compete with each other in games so we can get the rush of living. Game Night is about those ordinary people getting to feel extraordinary over one crazy ass night with a postmodern nonsense senseibility.
Read MoreWhat is it about bored rich white girls that makes you want to see them murder the shit out of people? Or get murdered themselves? Or are just a thing to be reckoned with? Mean Girls, Heathers, Sorority Massacre IV… All these movies exist to show us that the rich and affluent have problems, too, y'all. Can I tell you a secret? I love the shit out of them and Thoroughbreds might be the best ever.
Read MoreWhat happens ten years down the line after the romance has faded, the kids are had, and the secret resentments toil and bubble? You can still make each other laugh, you can still work in concert, but that passion and spark is a warm glowing sameness. What's the thing about the frog in the pot? If you turn the water up over time you can boil the creature without a problem? Before Midnight is the conclusion to a romance at its boiling point.
Read MoreOld friends are rare. Those friends that you knew long ago and for some reason separated from, that you see again and boom, right back. Old friends never leave you. They stamp their mark on you whether you knew them for years or hours. Before Sunset tells the story of a rekindling, a romance rebuilt because nine years before two lost souls became old friends over night.
Read MoreWhat if I told you there was a movie about two people talking, just talking, that's probably one of the top romantic movies ever? No, I'm not talking about My Dinner with Andre. These people walk while they talk. And they're funny and smart and just damn likeable in a mid-90s stuck on a train in Europe kind of way. I hold up Before Sunrise as part of the best romantic movie of all time, the Before trilogy.
Read MoreWe all know what romantic movies are supposed to be, right? Person meets person in a cute way, they initially are irritated, fate spills them into each other's arms, a force pries them apart, then they race back together for a finale marriage or at least reconciliation. There's some variety to be had, but for the most part this is it. Call Me By Your Name shows how real life is.
Read MoreOne night after a hurricane I had fled to the mountains. Deep in the Tennessee Smoky Mountains, I lay down in an old cabin tent my dad gave me. It leaks a little, but it's clear tonight. A few campsites away, a baby cries. The mother soothes the baby with a low humming rendition of "What A Wonderful World." And then a thing ate it. That's the Blair Witch.
Read MoreThe hardest thing for a lot of people to do is step up. Yelling, screaming, making a lot of noise, these can happen in a moment and be forgotten. Conniving and slinking in the shadows, whispering, these can be done long term and come to nothing. Stepping up, however, requires a sacrifice and a forgiveness of self for the greater good, whatever that is. This episode of our show illustrates a bunch of fools setting in motion machinations that will destroy them and more fools stepping up.
Read MoreOh, there's so many ways to do a coming of age drama. The main three ways are through animals, death, or disability. Wonder focuses on the disability but really digs deep to bring the rest into play.
Read MoreWhen a movie sits you down and tells you, okay, today we're gonna tell you a story about one thing that means another thing, it's okay to get apprehensive. Most people that sit you down to tell you something without any type of presentation are full of shit. Too much the other way, too much presentation, and you can have the feeling you're being lied to. mother! straddles that line between jamming truth down your throat and lying as if it is out to fuck you and said you were just going to wrestle.
Read MoreSome movies belong in that fridge category. You watch them and then late at night your tummy is rumbly. You get up and while standing in front of the refrigerator a thought crosses your mind about the movie and you're like "oh, man that's what they meant by that?" Then if you are like me you eat a burrito and go to bed. Annihilation will make you think twice about the burrito.
Read MoreWhat would you do if you could go back in time? Run around and steal shit? Can't say that cause that's my thing. I'm time stealing guy. Most of you dumbasses are like "hur hur I'd kill Hitler" but no you wouldn't because there's plenty of evil bastards out there right now killing hundreds of people and you're reading this. So killing is out, but would you save someone?
Read MoreWhat would happen if you had to write an autobiography? Would you start at the beginning? You ain't dead yet, so you won't finish. And what do you say? Tell stories about people that might not be dead yet and have a damn awkward Christmas until Uncle Rob get drunk and decides to tell MawMaw exactly what happened in the coat closet in fourth grade? You could see how it could be a problem.
Read MoreSecrets. We all got'em. We keep them in, we put them away, we let them die silent deaths one at a time. If they come back, we can attempt to hide them or we can do the right thing. Most movies are about the former, the machinations of characters struggling with themselves and outside forces. Locke is about the latter and all the fallout that happens.
Read MoreWhat does it take for violence to become acceptable? When mob mentality is not only the right thing to do but the necessary thing? When the disenfranchised and hurt can stand up and say, not today, asshole! Sometimes it just takes some loud noise and a few bad words.
Read MoreWhat do you do when a movie actively wants you to hate the main character? They cast a charming person then have him make a decidedly human yet wrong decision and then leave us to deal with it. I haven't been this conflicted since that Jude Law remake of Alfie. Damn you, Chris Pratt. You could have been a good villain.
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