14. Blackway (2015) Movie Review: Where did this come from?

When movies get released, they often have some fan fair. Somebody, somewhere, spent money and they are going to damn sure let you know. Except in rare occasions a few big stars get a film and it just fades away.

    Blackway stars Julia Stiles as a waitress in the Pacific Northwest trying to blend in to her mother's hometown after inheriting the house. She's made an enemy of Blackway (Liotta) a former cop now drug kingpin who is stalking her. The police can't help her so she goes to logger Anthony Hopkins for help.

    Yeah, I wrote that description and I don't believe it. This movie forces you to suspend your disbelief that the only part that makes sense is Ray Liotta as a crazy violent nutbag. Julia Stiles still looks like she should be ordering Jason Bourne around rather than waitressing. Anthony Hopkins as a far from a revenge-bent Pacific Northwest logger than I can imagine. And the plot is so simple and straightforward that it becomes a slow, boring slog by the end.

    Should you watch this movie? Yeah, why not. Another lazy Sunday afternoon hangover movie, the only thing this movie has going for it is nobody has heard of it. Then when someone else sees it and says "did you see that movie where Anthony Hopkins plays a logger who revenge-kills Ray Liotta with Julia Stiles?" you can say, "Yeah. Kinda boring."

13. Masterminds (2016) Movie Review: It'll steal you time because it's kind of a waste

When people sit down to make movies, they don't say "Let's stink up the joint." It doesn't matter if they don't say it, though, because more often than that they crap the toaster. Masterminds aims for middling humor and falls short.

    The plan was simple: dumbass David Ghantt (Galifianakis) is to use his armoured car job to hijack millions of dollars. Then he runs to Mexico and hides out. Soon his lady love (Wiig) follows, and they live the big life after the man with the plan (Wilson) sends them their cut of the cash. Then it all goes to hell.

    When the Berlin school began developing Gestalt theories of psychology, they did not reckon on so many right pieces creating such a wrong whole. The acting is solid with Galifianakis and Wiig pulling off convincing dumbass yet lovestruck roles. Even Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis come off as menacing evil doers. The plot meanders but is pretty straight forward. Moments come that are hilarious, I remember laughing, but none of them come to mind now.

    In my capacity as a guy who watches movies and then pretends to give and honest opinion, I can't recommend you watch this. I can not say to log into Netflix, now $9.99, and find for "Masterminds" using their simplified search feature. Netflix, for when you want to watch something on your television through the internet.

12. Pitch Perfect 3 (2017) Movie Review: Did that girl say she was possessed by a demon?

Trilogies are hard to pull off. Just ask George Lucas and the cast of Big Momma's House. I've covered some sequels this year already, from the regrettable Insidious: The Last Key to Darkest Hours filling in the plot between King's Speech (2010) and Dunkirk (2017). Never have I been more confused, though, than watching Pitch Perfect 3.

    The Bellas are back and singing their asses off on a USO tour. Why? Who the fuck cares? Talented hot girls, y'all. What's against them this time? Ultimately, the character of Fat Amy appears to have been birthed from the evil loins of John Lithgow and he wants her money that she didn't know she had. Confused? Well, so was I through most of this mess, especially when one girl says she was possessed by a demon the whole time.

    Let me let you in on a secret: I've never seen the previous Pitch Perfects. They didn't seem to be anything I would touch with a ten foot pole on a Friday in a town with only warm melons for fun. According to my fiance, this is not a good entry place in the series.

     I concur.

    The best thing I can say about this is it was entertaining. When the jokes didn't land, they were at least delivered competently by people who seemed to be having a great time. That wins something in my book because, honestly, I don't like watching movies with assholes who hate each other having to fake emotions.

    Looking at you, Hallmark Christmas Movies.

10. Molly's Game (2017) Movie Review: Holy Fuck This Movie Is Sexy Good Times

Jessica Chastain and Idris Elba speaking Aaron Sorkin speeches. Fucking go to the theater right now.

    Molly Bloom was an Olympic skier hopeful who became one of the most sought after poker player set up game people in the nation. Kings and giants sat at her tables and lost fortunes. Not literal kings and giants. That's some fantasy shit and this is a true damn story from the mind that brought you Social Network and "I didn't think there would be that much drama in the White House."

    I don't have enough good words to say about this movie because I usually shit on movies. Not because I dislike most movies, but it's just more fun. Molly's Game delighted me with fast, good dialog spoken believably by accomplished actors at the top of their game. At one point, Elba did this long speech and when he ended I wanted to do that thing where you stand up and put up your hands. Like the motherfucker just punted a field goal.

    Rowsing. That's a good word for this movie.

    It won't win awards, I bet, because there's honestly been some really good flicks out this year. However, it deserves to be seen. Grab your fella or madam and go out to this one. You'll get laid.

9. The Vault (2017) Movie Review: A Mash'em Up Horror Crime Movie That Banks on Your Attention Shifting

Taking old things and spinning them into new gold is pretty much what people have been doing for millions of years. Fire guy in the cave guy just played on what fire in the field guy was working with. Wheel guy leaped forward the tech of dragging stuff. Citizen Kane dared to ask the question: can we make film students more pretentious? Then there's movies like The Vault trying to bank on movies like From Dusk Til Dawn.

    It's bank robbing time. With only two recognizable cast members in James Franco and Clifton Collins, Jr (as well as that woman from that show Drive Nathan Fillion was in. You know her), the vault has believe that you will care if our bank robbers make it out alive. Because watch out, y'all, this bank got murder ghosts. Then the assholes get murdered and the hot girls live. Because horror movie.

    The mixing genre is not new, like I said. This movie wants to be From Dusk Til Dawn but has no one charismatic enough like George Clooney or good enough effects to pay off the B-movie premise. What we are left with is an unlikeable cast with shifting alliances that systematically get killed like every other horror/slasher movie.

    As a bank heist movie, it does work though. As an Elmore Leonard fan, I enjoy unlikeable assholes pulling off a crime and doing weird shit. As a horror movie, it also works in the same way House on Haunted Hill (1999) did in that I wanted everyone to die and the monster ghost thing to kill them. Mashed together, though, and the ideas fall apart because I'm not invested in either scenario enough.

    Also, I fell asleep and missed ten minutes in the middle and caught right back up. In a movie banked on twists, that's a bad sign. Also a bad sign, the ending cliche that's a mess of, "Oh, he was a ghost the whole time? So what?" being beaten out by me realizing while reading the credits just now that the lead was Clint Eastwood's daughter.

7. Darkest Hour (2017) Movie Review: One Actor Verses the World

Gary Oldman for years has been the guy you look at and think "Hey that guy's really damn good," and then just forget about him until the next time. He's been a Harry Potter, a punk rocker, a drug kingpin, a space guy, and everything in between. Now he's in a fat suit and we're supposed to be impressed. Spoiler alert, I was impressed.

    In case he comes out as some kind of evil bastard with sex problems or is an armoured car robber, I must say I know next to nothing of him as a man. You know what, more actors should become awesome thieves. Not like when people shoplift and claim it's an acting thing, but more like that Kevin Bacon commercial when nobody can believe it's him. If Ray Liotta came in with a gun to the library and said, "Gimme the cash drawer," I'd be telling the cops "Some guy looking like Ray Liotta robbed me" instead of "Ray Liotta robbed me."

    Just saying.

    If you want a movie in between King's Speech and Dunkirk that has some heart, see this flick. It's more about the acting than the story. I'm not sure how accurate it is, but everything goes for broke and does well. Worth a matinee for some of the good shots or a rental if people keep talking about it for awards.

6. All the Money in the World (2017) Movie Review: Worth the Controversy and Mark Wahlberg

What do you get the man who has everything? Not a grandson, that's for sure. 

Michelle Williams stars as a lady who existed and married into the Getty family. Christopher Plummer plays JP Getty, the world's first billionaire and total asshole (not Kevin Spacey). Mark Wahlberg is there, too, kids. They all come together when Williams's son, Plummer's grandson, and Wahlberg's... person of interest gets kidnapped in this biopic about events that proved rich people suck hard and that's why they're rich.

Look, this is Michelle Williams's movie. She's amazing and at no point did I think "man, I wonder what Dawson's up to on the creek?" Not so with the other actors. Every time I see Wahlberg I hear "feel it, feel it" and can't take him seriously. Plummer at this point is simply the embodiment of Scrooge and while he's damn good at it there's nothing new here.

Overall, the story is fascinating. I mean, what kind of asshole is so tight fisted with his money he won't pay his grandson's ransom? It's not even a crazy amount for him. $17 million when you're worth billions is like not dropping change into the tip jar on a $50 coffee order.

Despite the crazy reshoots with Plummer after Kevin Spacey became an asshole and Wahlberg being the only person on the shoot paid for those reshoots (yeah, Michelle Williams was paid around $1,000 to his $1.5 million).

A definite rental that will make you want to read a biography of this monster.

5. The Great Gilly Hopkins (2015) Movie Review: They did the book and it works

I won't plug the podcast too much, but our book for next week is The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson. 

I won't plug it anymore, anyway. 

As for the movie, it's pretty much nailing the book. Spoiler alert for our episode on Notebook for Patreon subscribers. 

Ha, got another plug past you. WAIT, sorry, I'll talk about the movie.

GGH is the story of Gilly, a foster kid moving into a new house. She's a bit of a brat, so for a while she tortures her new foster brother and mother and the blind guy next door.  Through the events of the narrative, however, her heart is melted and she saves Christmas.

Should you see this movie? It's not necessary. If you want something for the family that's got a good hear, sure. Kathy Bates and Octavia Spencer nail the fairly standard role of matriarches and the lead Sophie Nelisse is charming as she is bratty.

A solid streaming flick when you and the kids can't agree. 

4. The Paperboy (2012) Movie Review: Sweaty, Pulpy, and Just This Side of Wrong

Netflix likes to recommend stuff for me to watch based on my previous watching. I watch a lot of crazy stuff, so I get recommended a lot of crazy stuff. This is the culmination of my love for John Cusack and Matthew McConaughey as well as that time my girlfriend watched Zac Efron movies on my profile.

     What the hell is this movie and where the hell has it been? This is the wildest trainwreck I've ever watched and not had to listen to on podcasts. I've been trying to sum up the plot in my head all day and all I can come up with is: people sweat and are gross and Nicole Kidman has enough money to do whatever the fuck she wants.

     A sheriff is murdered so McConaughey comes home with his newspaper partner to investigate the crime. His family runs the local paper with the titular paperboy (Efron) and Scott "Somebody at Netflix missed me" Glenn. They meet up with Kidman who's been romancing a prisoner (Cusak) who might know something about the crime. I think. Shit went off the rails pretty quick and I needed a whiskey.

     This movie feels like the bastard cousin of A Time to Kill, the cousin you bring up from the basement on holidays and hope he doesn't hump grandma's leg. It's sweaty and weird and I kinda liked it when it didn't feel like it was winking at me, giving me an elbow like a drunk uncle saying "check that shit out, huh?"

The drunk uncle also happens to be the guy who got nominated for Precious and lauded for The Butler. Weird movie.

3. Ingrid Goes West (2017) Movie Review: Crazy People Are Not People, Too

At which point did everyone think they can make a character break bad and we'd just buy it? Not every movie can be American Psycho (as American Psycho 2: It's a Girl can attest) or Talented Mr. Ripley, which this movie wants to be. Look, I like Aubrey Plaza but I'm not gonna empathise with her stalking anyone other than me.

    Ingrid (Plaza) has a problem in that she's a crazy stalker. We meet her as she's macing her previous victim bride at the woman's wedding. Then she's out of the hospital and after Elizabeth Olsen, a victim she found on Instagram. We follow her efforts to find a friend through manipulation.

    At one point watching this, my partner said "well, they're all kind of bad people." Sure, valid to a point. Olsen plays a shallow person pretending to be fashion lady and her boyfriend just wants to drink and make bad art. There's a brother character that serves as a foil to Ingrid who is insufferable, yet I would argue for all their faults this people do not deserve the lies and violence Ingrid brings.

    She's a bad person, start to finish, and does little to redeem herself throughout the narrative. I might have even liked this more if it leaned into it and caused some mayhem and crazy violence or twisted and showed Plaza as some government project, a la The Guest*. What we get are vacant ideas of a displaced youth that I could care less about.

*That's me linking crazy Aubrey Plaza and crazy Dan Stevens. Watch Legion.

2. Bright (2017) Movie Review: A waste of charm and time

It's popular by being infamous, both because the writer is a jerk, the main star is charming and laughably unable to pick a good movie, and just racism. We sat and watched Bright and wow that was a waste of time.

    Will Smith stars as Denzel Washington in Training Day in this buddy cop drama with a twist. The whole world is upside down in this wacky story. Imagine if Lord of the Rings kept going and evolved into our world. Humans are pretty much like our world, elves are rich and rule everything, and orcs are treated like assholes. Smith and his partner, the first orc police man, find a young girl and a magic wand and must keepkkdkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

    I fell asleep on my keyboard.

    First Matt Damon in Downsizing and now Will Smith. To be fair, Smith is not sleeping through this role. Dude has all the charisma and life that you can get in a person and this role is just… nothing. I mean, wow. Dump Trucks of cash must have been involved in this production to get Smith and David Ayer on this. Probably the same trucks from Suicide Squad.

    And will everyone stop telling me Ayer deserves credit for Training Day. Sure, he did a really good thing in writing. His most recent efforts are just not worthy. Not even the "racism commentary" in this movie is interesting or enough to keep the story going as it feels like a side effect thrown in when Landis realized his story was dated and old hat.

1. Downsizing (2017) Movie Review: Honey, What the Hell Happened to Matt Damon?

I'm back and trying to get 365 movies in 365 days for the year of 2018. Hell, I might even try to throw in a book review or two that I'm not reading for the podcasts. We shall see.

    This year started with a total dud, last year's shrinking people movie Downsizing by the normally reliable Alexander Payne, the guy who brought us Election and other things. Matt Damon is in it, you could say, and the plot asks questions. Lots of questions.

    The year is future and people have developed organic shrinking technology in order to battle overpopulation. Sure. Matt Main Character convinces his wife to shrink down, but she fucks off back to her family and friends instead of spending her life with this loser. What follows is the rest of the movie, a standard "white guy finding purpose through poor disenfranchised people" plot. Even the end with a random twist could not save this flick from just being dull.

    Could it have hurt them to do anything with the shrinking idea? Anything at all? We have random consequences of this tech from warlords shrinking enemies, but they live on the side. Besides Hong Chau's manic performance, everyone slept through this except for me because I was waiting for something to happen.

Here Elizabeth and I talk about it at 2am in the airport over on Curious Chats.

Generic Holiday Movie Cash Grab (2017) Movie Review: Home for the holidays, indeed.

It's the holidays so we here at the library have been watching lots of holiday movies, but the one that shines by far has been Generic Holiday Movie Cash Grab.

    Random Blonde Lady and Tall Handsome Guy play a couple of characters who just can't seem to get in the holiday spirit. Without spoiling anything, something tragic happened at some point. Lady and Guy then get a visit from an unlikely holiday-themed place. At first, they are put off by the cheer. Will the two of them find it in their hearts to be romantic in the snow and save the thing from not being a thing for the community?

    At the core of Generic Holiday Movie Cash Grab is the romance. Lady and Guy are perfect as the couple smashed together by fate as if they were action figures played with by a hyperactive child. The screenplay guides them through a generic romance plot with a layer of snow and random jingling bells to denote the holidays are here! You'll be hard pressed not to be entertained by the side characters as well, with sarcastic Gay Best Friend and Friend of Color providing commentary and Old Flame Person slinking around for some manufactured drama.

    And don't forget the Little Broken Child. You'll shed a tear as Guy and Lady warm to the Little Broken Child and find the true meaning of the holiday: Fammunity.

    So cuddle up and watch the carefully edited for television breaks plot guide you toward feelings you may or may not feel at a time of year you're pressured to observe because at the darkest, coldest part of the year our species is driven to celebrate our eternal fight against death.

    From our fammunity to yours, have a happy generic holiday and enjoy a movie that still can appeal to religious people despite positing universal values no one can dispute.

Because WTF Luke Skywalker (spoilers for Last Jedi)

Carl took the stack of books from the lady and waited for her to hand him her library card. The lady was bent over, talking softly to something below Carl's reach. Carl waited.

    "Can you fucking believe that shit?" Pam said, coming through the door from the circulation workroom behind the desk.

    "What shit?" Carl said.

    The woman shot up with her eyes wide. "Excuse me," she said high and loud.

    "Excuse me, too. Fucking Luke Skywalker was gonna kill somebody for maybe being evil? The same Luke that got over his daddy issues and turned Vader to the light? That ain't the fucking Luke I remember," Pam said.

    The woman said, "Young lady, you can't talk that way in front of Lucy."

    Pam's face blanched and she leaned over the desk. She said, "Oh goodness, I'm so sorry little- what the fuck?"

    The patron said, "I'm going to report you."

    Carl said, "What's wrong?"

    Pam leaned back and pointed to the door. "Get that fucking alligator out of here."

    "I need the name of your supervisor," the woman said.

    "I'ma get my gun and shoot that thing," Pam said and went back through the door.

    The woman left the building, half dragging her pet alligator out the door, her stack of books on the circulation desk in front of a downtrodden Carl.

    "I don't even like Star Wars," Carl said.

The Foreigner (2017) Movie Review: Jackie Chan is Tranquil Fury

There was a Doctor Who episode that asked the question, what happens when a good man goes to war? There's a bunch of poetry folded in on that, but for the most part, if that good man is Jackie Chan, people die. Lots of them.

    Chan plays a restaurant owner in London who, after watching his daughter die from a politically motivated bombing, decides to terrorize everyone responsible using a special set of skills. His main opposition is Pierce Brosnan, a former IRA bomber turned politician, who is trying to sweep the whole mess under the rug. A bunch of twists and turns later and we get a fairly well-done action political thriller that is filled with more grit than laughs.

    I want to give Chan a hug. For decades, he was the action man that never played a villain and who attacked scores of baddies with ladders and stuff. Sometime in the last decade or so, though, the Hollywood machine has turned him into a great dramatic actor, first glimpsed as Mr. Miyagi in the Karate Kid remake that should not be spoken of. He shines in this role of the silent avenger working out his grief on people's faces.

    A surprising movie, this one is a matinee or a rental if you have need for something in the Taken school of film.

The Florida Project (2017) Movie Review: you're a jaded bastard if this doesn't do it for you

We all get by with a little help from our friends. Even if you don't know it, somebody out there has made it easier for you to get through you day. Somebody stocked the shelves, paved the roads, kept the power on. Still, cracks are made to be fallen through.

    Halley and her daughter Mooney are long-term residents of the Magic Kingdom, a run down hotel managed by Bobby. This is the part of Florida that shows up in the paper, where a woman who can't get work as a stripper sells perfume in parking lots and her body while her daughter plays in the bathtub. Still, there is light, in the form of childhood innocence often embodied in the big shining castle of Disney.

    Working with the public in a library, we often see the surface. We see the loud abrasive push back. We see the bravado. We see the need for aid that comes in the form of demands. We see waste and juvenile behavior and the stark reality that some folks just need to get by. The sadness and nobility in the struggle, especially for those with a little bit of kindness trying to keep things afloat for the destructive.

    This movie's a gut punch as well as a quiet look at a world many see and live everyday. The movie succeeds in its utter humanity. That kid is amazing.

Invitation (2016) Movie Review: Because I can't get enough what the fuck did I just watch

Going home is hard. In this life, our new generations has decided that home is an expansive topic and we create our own families bereft of blood. So recreating those cobbled relationships after devastation is frightening as the people we choose choose different paths.

    Will and his girlfriend attend a party given by his ex-wife Eden and her new husband as well as all their friends. The gang hasn't all been together since Will and Eden separated and find it awkward, especially when Eden starts talking crazy cult nonsense and shows a snuff film. Are Eden and her new husband in a murder cult or is Will just seeing an imagined spectral trail of insanity stemming from deep trama?

    I'm not answering that fucking question because the truth is kinda amazing. Director Karyn Kusama has lacked some punch in her previous directorial efforts, especially the high profile and campy fun Jennifer's Body, but man… The suspense and tension in this movie as you wonder what the hell is going on builds and builds. Just a crazy good story.

    Not sure how to end this. Wanna talk about the ending? Well, you see, after everything goes down and all the secrets are

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri (2017) Movie Review: Hope in a dark ass world, man

What would you do if your daughter was raped and murdered a little ways from home? Then, salt in a wound, the cops do little to help. You sit and wait and wonder why life needs to go on like that. So you put up three billboards asking why.

    That's the central idea behind this acerbic story of justice and growth and getting on after tragedy. Man, I have very little funny to say about this drama that forces you to look at darkness with an unflinching eye.

    The stand out roles here are Frances McDormand and Sam Rockwell. And look, there's nobody "innocent" in this movie. Nobody deserves what they do or do not get. McDormand's character forces an issue that is open-ended. A mystery without a villain. And Rockwell, he plays a racist, misogynist piece of shit that by the end tries to do good. Tries to make some amends.

    There's paragraphs that could be written here about naturalism and purity of characters. Do you shoehorn some folks in or just let them fly? Do you let them say as many fucks as they want or sanitize the whole thing for an audience that wants to bring the family?

    You know what, fuck all that. Sometimes you have to see the world as a dark and broken place and find hope in the fact that there is a thing such as hope in the first place. That's reality sometimes and it sucks.

    Also, go on dates with Peter Dinklage and have sex with your partner in the woods. Cause you never know.

Every Christmas Has a Story (2016) Movie Review: Hallmark has refuged into audacity

Ever said something you wish you could take back and then a small town tries to get you to solve its problems by making you an indentured servant? That happens in this holiday shit show.

    Lori Loughlin stars as Scrooget, an on air personality sorta like Ellen if Ellen was unlikable. One day, Scrooget lets it fly to the nation that she hates Christmas. Because ratings are king, she's forced to go with her producer to a small town to see how they get Christmas spirited.

    Oh, you think it's as simple as "she gets some small town values and learns to love again?" Fuck you, you simpleton.

    Scrooget has a bunch of problems, rivaled only by the town that calls her to its broken shores. First, her dad left her years back after her mom died (or something, I forget) and that's why she hates Christmas. Second, her producer (the likable Colin Ferguson who was awesome on Eureka) is also her ex-boyfriend who she dumped a long time ago and still holds a torch for. Finally, there's some weird thing about the tree in the center of town being missing. Mystery Time!

    Here's how all those stories get wrapped up: Her dad shows up and she freaks out but forgives him. They get trapped in the snow and fall back in love because you saw that coming. And the tree is missing because (this will be a long sentence) the man whose family used to send the tree to the town is in a depressive spiral and no longer celebrating Christmas after his wife and child died in a car accident last Christmas which is why the town decided to call up Scrooget and get her to "learn about small town Christmas" AKA "show on the tv that our town loves Christmas and wants the depressive widower to come back to them."

    Don't read that all out loud without taking a drink first. To say that this "movie" takes some weird ass turns that are way dark for a Christmas movie is to also say that drinking drain cleaner is a bad idea. It's bonkers with a scheme worthy of a crack addicted Batman villain.

HOLY SHIT. I just learned that the depressive guy is Willie Aames. I take it all back to get a Charles In Charge alum back here. Besides Scott Baio because, well, just no.

The Disaster Artist (2017) Movie Review where I kinda lose it because I loved it so much

When going into The Disaster Artist, there's a few things you must know. One, a man named Greg Sestero helped his weird and very rich friend Tommy Wiseau make a horrible movie called The Room (2003) that if famous if only because it is. Two, you will never learn anything about Tommy Wiseau. There's more, so much more, but why spoil yourself.

    The real big question is: Should you watch The Room before you see The Disaster Artist? Hell, man, you might as well ask me why we should know what the sun is before an eclipse? Isn't it enough that the thing is out there and could cause people to delve into madness if they think too hard on the subject?

    James Franco and his brother Dave star as our pair of nuts at the center of the hurricane. Along for the ride are just about everybody, including the How Did This Get Made podcast, mostly there I assume as a blatant lampshade on the whole affair. How the hell did any of this get made?

    To be fair, man, I loved the movie. It's funny and strange and open in a way a lot of movies are not. If Tommy Wiseau was a character from someone's brain, this mess would play out like Borat or the quaint imaginings of Wes Anderson. However, the whole thing is based in fact and therefore a work of genius.