The Worst Library on the Internet
Sometimes the world is a fickle and wanton bastard that throws things at you like a man monk in a library full of diseased rats. To make sense of things, people have made lists. I have done so. This is my story.
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Image owned by Sony or somebody who might sue if I don’t write this
With the upcoming Ghostbusters: Getting Cold I Guess coming this summer, I've been thinking about my own history with the franchise. I didn't watch most of it, mainly skipping the cartoons, and did not like about half of what I saw. So with that being said and setting up a nice little list, here are the things I remember about the franchise that meant something to me at some time or another.
The one that started it all and the images that appear in my mind when you say the word "Ghostbusters." A stone cold classic in comedy and horror, the film masterfully mixes the two to create an entertaining and inventive film about a bunch of libertarian assholes who run a supernatural exterminator business. The fundamental flawed premise that "regulation is bad" also gives a pretty good look into the 1980s and how we got to a place where corporations are busting ghosts without any thought to environmental or global impacts. Hell, we even got the walking dead running on both sides for the presidency forty years after this movie's release. I love this flawed film from the chain smoking schlubby heroes to the BDSM sexual tones of the final act.
I remember disliking this cartoon when it first came out. None of the characters sounded or looked like the movie, and Slimer was elevated to the position of Scooby-Doo (eating and talking bullshit while being afraid of horrors). But it had one thing that most cartoons did not at the time: existential dread and monsters that posed a genuine threat not only to those that bust them but to the world at large. Even the toys were terrifying transmogrifications of everyday items. The Lovecraftian cosmic horror on display extended not only into the afterlife but to the containment unit the busters used as a ghost jail, making them gods of science and hellish jailers.
The first of the franchise I got to see in the theater. I was eight years old and have no memory of the actual experience. I remember talking to friends about it, though, and we all reached the consensus that maybe some movies are not as good as others? This was not the first time critical analysis had reached us (Jewel of the Nile was skipped if it played after Romance and the Stone), but all the slime and the baby stuff skipped right over our heads like a pond over rocks. The feel-good ending, while providing a great sing-a-long, fell away from the grimy original's pessimistic working class attitude. Looking back now, as a sequel it tried new things, but in general failed at furthering the story of the characters.
After skipping all the cartoon series and whatever other media I have little awareness of, I was brought back by the notion that this game would do several things: bring back the original cast, forward the story from the original, mix the comedic and horror elements, allow me to wield a proton pack, and wreck shit. The cast was there, the plot updated the story, and proton streams flowed like water. Was the game good? Eh, I have little memories of drunkenly stumbling my way after one buster or another to hear dialog and explore the weird hallways that filled most first person shooters in the late 2000s. I remember this being good and will not play it again to hold that memory.
Look. Online discourse for this movie sucked, and it got way more hate than it deserved. That being said, I hate this movie. It had a great cast and crew, the bones of a solid story, and decades of special effects progression working for it. All of that turned into an indulgent mess as unfunny (or sometimes very funny but misplaced) scenes went on and on with the cast making themselves laugh without thinking about the story they were telling or the characters they were portraying. It's fine to reboot a series and make it your own, but a fairly grounded but silly premise was turned into a Thursday night improv training exercise. Not one of the characters felt like real people or had anything interesting to do, leaving behind the world weary cynical view of the original to create a Disney attraction level of neon ghosts and wacky hijinks. Everyone here can and should have created a better product (which they did a few years earlier with Bridesmaids). That being said, the final battle where they punch ghosts and lick their weapons and everything is very stupid yet fun to watch.
I want every movie I see to succeed, especially in franchises I love. The trailers for this movie showed no New York City, no original busters, and everything covered in dust. Then it had little marshmallow men, and I hated that. After seeing the movie, I still hate the little marshmallow men, but this stupid movie made me cry. While not great, it does not try to be more than it is. It builds on the original mythology, brings back some horror by adding children, and brings back the weird sexiness by proving that Egon actually had sex (weird) and that the evil green dog things can still possess people and cause weird apocalypse bondage sex. That's not what made me cry, by the way. What did that was the heavy dose of nostalgia near the end, a reminder of things I loved and the near-familial connections that can form between artists and audiences. We mourn when creators are taken from us and rejoice at the memory of them being honored, even if they have to cart out his corpse in CGI on IMAX to do so. Also, please rename "Podcast."
And that is where we are, waiting until summer to see if things can continue without bringing the fee-fees or if Bill Murray will get the death he has wanted since Ghostbusters II (yeah, he died in 2016, but it wasn't Venkman so it doesn't count). The way he seems so chipper and engaged we might actually get to see that happen.
Stop me if you've heard this one: clumsy smart girl and kind but aloof guy hook up but due to a misunderstanding hate one another until they don't. Both are ridiculously hot and don't kiss until the script says they are supposed to. Mix in some quirky friends, a romantic locale, and a dog. What you get is one of the most charming romantic comedies I've seen in a while.
At this point I normally summarize the movie, then give my general thoughts on the acting, directing, and story. Fuck that. I liked this movie. It's by the numbers romcom, but oozes sincerity and a happy vibes all around. There's moments where things might go a little dull, some acting that is covered by most of the cast in swimsuits, but overall we need more of these kinds of cheerful flicks.
Because I don't wanna go into overanalyzing, here's some notes I took while watching.
An actual R-rated adult comedy. I figured there would be the usual juvenile dick and fart humor (it's there) but for the most part this movie is about adults who are wildly attractive who often take their clothes off. Not fully most of the time, but I'm surprised at how much I'm surprised by this. It fulfils the old saying "naked is not having clothes on, nekkid means you're up to something" by having just enough skin to have fun.
(That’s a Lewis Grizzard quote. He was a humorist in the 80s and 90s, but also an older Southern guy with many conservative values that did not age well. Reader beware.)
The supporting cast, let's be honest, are exposition machines. Based on Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing, there's plenty of machinations by at least one side of the family to get these kids together if only so they don't spoil the wedding everyone is attending. A lot of it is silly, but the people involved sell it. Especially GaTa who gets most of the biggest laughs with his asides.
I actually wanted these two to get together. Like I looked up after if Sydney Sweeney and Glenn Powell were gonna make super adorable babies. They each have relatable issues that keep them apart, but when they actually talk (a romcom wherein people communicate but still have issues, huh) the characters do connect and care for one another beyond wanting to take off what little clothes they wear.
The boat scene, from the dance to the buoy to singing on a helicopter, made my day. I liked seeing them dance, seeing the family react to the corny shit, and seeing them come together while in peril. It's a bunch of mini-scenes that tie together these two without feeling inorganic to the story. And they went "full on Titanic" getting in the water, a line that made me laugh.
I know it's overused in romantic comedies. You know it's overused in romantic comedies. But fuck it, one partner chasing down the other to profess their love… Man that shit hits. Part of me wonders why. Do we all want to be chased or to chase, to give that grand dramatic gesture that says "I actually ran to find you." Or is running, out of breath running to find someone symbolic of love in general? I dunno, but it works.
A little running line is that her dad hurt himself getting on a bus to see the Eiffel Tower with her mom, still going because she wanted to see it. My dad passed away a few months ago, and that was my parents love language. One of them would ask to go, to do, to have an experience, and the other would make it happen. It made me cry a little.
If you would have told me that the movie about a swimming pool that eats people would be boring, I probably would have believed you. I still would have watched it because I love a high concept silly premise and enjoy horror enough to devour any weird flick that makes it to theaters. Night Swim does no favors to the cast, crew, or even the B movie premise and might as well have been about a toilet.
Looking for a home after a diagnosis that ends his baseball career, Ray Waller moves his family into a house with a cool pool out back. The Wallers love their new home and start to put down roots, but it turns out the spring that fills with pool is full of evil that promises greatness if only it has a sacrifice. Cue possessions and pain that can only come from the idea "what if the Amityville Horror house had a pool?"
The cast here is fine. Somebody needs to get Wyatt Russell a better agent because he is better than most things he has been a part of. Kerry Condon plays his wife Eve damn well, and I loved her in The Banshees of Inisherin last year. Round out the cast with an angsty teen girl (Hoeferle) who wants a boyfriend and a wide-eyed kid (Warren) who wants to live until his 12th birthday, and this family is believable as a unit. Any other drama and these four would have killed it. Every other supporting role is enjoyable and fun yet the product they find themselves in is not at all.
The problem seems to come with tone. This should have been a horror comedy the way the cast plays it at times. There's menace here, especially when the evil begins to take hold, yet instead of The Shining we get Days of Our Lives. When Jack Torrence says "gimme the bat" to Wendy on the stairs, we feel like he's toying with her. When Ray tells his daughter "Baby, we already got help" as the pool is eating her brother, it's just silly. And that's okay, but it feels like what we are supposed to feel (dread) is being superseded by what we are seeing (wackiness).
The background of family trouble and the pool lies at the center of the tonal problem. I cared for the family (due to the acting, see above) and wanted them to be challenged. Yet rather than follow the drama, the plot about the evil pool needed to be adhered to so we get a wacky pool guy and a ditzy real estate agent leading to a confrontation that falls flat because that idea is the afterthought. Sure, the family drama ties into evil with dad's illness being slowly cured by the water. He wants something and will sacrifice to get it, but only because the water makes him. But evil water does not a good villain make. By the time we get the full reveal, it's too late. The monster is just the water. The family do not bind themselves together after being divided to triumph. They just make it out because the movie was about to be over, and it ran out of story.
I did not hate this movie. It was disappointing. Wait for this one to hit streaming if you want to see it, but save your theater cash for something more fun or dramatic or just interesting.
Beekeeping is a sacred art that I have only attempted during one playthrough of Stardew Valley. From what I understand, you cultivate a hive of insects that wish to kill you one and all and in return you get honey. In the world of Jason Statham, you protect society and those that are most vulnerable by destroying systems of oppression one can of gasoline at a time.
Statham plays The Beekeeper (with some general name like Max American Man, I forget, but BK from now on because I'm lazy), a retired covert murder machine who likes to relax in the country living a quiet life with his bees and friend Claire Huxtable. When Claire is scammed out of millions of dollars through a phishing scam and kills herself, BK takes it upon himself to murder everyone connected with the scam, burn down their buildings, and salt the earth with the tears of their loved ones. It's a hoot.
Part of the fun of the movie is the frantic and violent nature of this otherwise stupid John Wick knockoff. Our near silent protagonist stomps his way through mob-like assholes with ease. In one particularly good scene, a barn becomes a house of horrors right out of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Another assault on an office building shows a pretty creative use of an elevator to dispatch a man in a way that would make Jason Voorhees slow clap. Good thing we are still rooting for the killer.
There's very little "acting" from Statham. Not to say the man is not fun to watch, and these stunts are impressive as hell from a man proven to be fun to watch beating nine hells out of Fast and/or Furious on any given day, but growling your way through each encounter leaves a lot of nuance on the floor. To compare (which we should not, but we are), Keanu Reeves's John Wick had moments of grief and silent fury reflecting the death of his wife and dog in a rampage that left him battered and bloody until the next movie. The script gives BK little to work with but righteous anger. It's pretty spot on, though, and I applaud him for it.
The surrounding cast can be hit and miss as well. They all do a fine job if only for the script. Emmy Raver-Lampman and Bobby Naderi do a fine job as the FBI agents attempting to make sense of the carnage, kinda odd when it was Raver-Lampman's mom who got scammed that started all this. That they have to be reminded often "this man is an elite killer from a murder program so hardcore it murdered its way out of history" makes them bumbling, though. They get a few hero moments, but mostly follow the carnage and explain to us what we already know.
The villains are at the same time memorable but forgettable. At the top of the food chain are Jeremy Irons getting that house payment check and Josh Hutcherson having fun acting as the biggest asshole in the world. The rest are either a sea of mooks with destiny dates with elevators or mid-level scam operators that work more like scenes from Wolf of Wall Street. It's fun but forgettable to watch them all die. Well, there's one more, Jemma Redgrave crushing it at the end with an actual sincere bit of acting that felt out of place in this "root for the monster" movie.
In the end, The Beekeeper is a solid "I'm too hungover to change the channel" action flick. I miss these types of movies, the kind that played on HBO or edited on TBS in the middle of the day to fill time until something more prestigious could be played. Just a chunky little action movie that will stop you from yawning so you can go to bed at a reasonable hour.
From 1940 to 1957, George Metesky planted 33 bombs, 22 of which exploded and injured sixteen people in and around New York City. Known as the "Mad Bomber," George felt he had been given a bad deal by Consolidated Edison (Con Edison or ConEd) and unfairly denied worker's compensation. Two of those bombs found their way into the New York Public Library.
George Metesky was born in Connecticut in 1903 where he grew up with two sisters. Following World War I he joined the Marines, serving in Shanghai. He moved back to Connecticut after service, living with his sisters. He got a job with ConEd as a mechanic and lived comfortably.
In 1931 at the Hell Gate power plant, a boiler George was working on backfired and fumes filled his lungs. According to him, this led to pneumonia and tuberculosis. He was on 26 days of sick pay before he lost his job. He tried to file for worker's compensation but was denied because he waited too long, appealing twice and losing both times.
At this point, he got mad. Again, according to him, he wrote many letters (900 by his count) to the mayor of New York City, the police commissioner, and newspapers and heard nothing. He even tried to put out an ad but the newspapers denied him. So he decided to get attention to his plight another way.
His first bomb was planted on the window sill of a ConEd building in 1940. It did not go off, the police thinking it a dud. It was found in a wool sock and with a note signed "F.P." which would both become signatures of his (F.P. standing for "fair play”). A second bomb was also found later, also a dud. George claimed that many bombs were planted during this time, but they never made the papers. Something more had to be done, but not while a war was on.
After Pearl Harbor, George wrote the papers saying that he would not send any bombs while the U.S. was at war. True to his patriotic and Marine Corps heart, he would not send another bomb until 1951.
The first bomb to explode went off on March 29, 1951 at Grand Central Station. As later found by psychiatrists, his bombs were not meant to kill. They were small pipes filled with gunpowder set with timers that used flashlight batteries and watches as timers. George often put them in places to contain the explosions, like a sand urn at Grand Central or inside the heavy cushions of theater seats. Not saying that's an excuse or anything, but it's worth noting the man tried.
The second bomb was in a telephone booth at the New York Public Library. This was followed by bombs in Radio City Music Hall and the Paramount Theater. Without recounting all the bombs, here are a few notable ones:
On November 7, 1954, during a screening of Bing Crosby's White Christmas to a packed house of 6,200 people at Radio City Music Hall, one exploded in the 15th row inside a seat. Four people were injured and 50 evacuated. The show continued to play and an investigation was held after.
In 1956, someone complained of a stuck toilet at Pennsylvania Station. While trying to clear the clog with a plunger, a 74-year-old man was injured when the bomb inside exploded.
Also in 1956, a man found a pipe at the RCA Building at Rockefeller Center and took it home because it would fit a project he had. It exploded in his kitchen the next morning.
The most people injured at once was six when a bomb exploded at the Paramount Theater in late 1956. The place had 1,600 people at the time. This started the large manhunt.
The last NYPL bomb was also in a telephone booth. A library clerk was going to make a call (not using library phones, interesting) and dropped a coin. They saw a sock with a pipe inside held in place under the phone with a magnet. They decided to throw the thing out the window to Bryant Park and call the police. At least 60 police officers, bomb squad, and detectives arrived.
All through his reign of terror, George sent letters to police and the newspapers. He often related his hatred for ConEd and his illness. This would be his undoing.
On January 18th, 1957, a ConEd clerk Alice Kelly searched through old records of people who might have claims against the company. Police later said that they had been told records before 1940 had been destroyed, but who is to say. Kelly found George's file, matching many claims from the letters, and handed it over to the police who promptly took credit for the discovery. Newspaper reports gave Kelly full credit and the police once again looked at their shoes and said "shucks."
Three days later on January 21st, George was arrested. All the bomb making accoutrement was found in his home, and he readily admitted to his crimes. During his trial, he was assessed at Bellevue Hospital and found insane. He was placed in Matteawan Hospital for the criminally insane, having to be carried because of his ill health.
We do not end there, however. George did well at Matteawan. While he did not respond to psychiatric treatment, his health improved. He was a model patient and was visited regularly by his sisters. In 1973, the US Supreme Court said New York could not throw patients who were not a danger to others in psychiatric prison, so he was moved to Creedmoor Psychiatric Center. Doctors there found him relatively okay and free of the need for violence, so he was released on December 13th that same year with the caveat that he have regular check-ins. In an interview after release he said he would not do violence again but that he still hated ConEd.
George went on to live a quiet life, dying at age 90 in 1994.
For no particular reason, it's interesting that in 2017 ConEd made $12 Billion in profit and controlled $62 Billion in assets.
"Hey, I think your friend is here," the children's librarian said.
I did not look up from the article I was reading on movies using artificial intelligence to replace the people who picked movies.
Naomi said, "The friend with the hat."
"You gotta be more specific than that," I said,
"Y'all know where I can find a pricing guide on a 1976 mint copy of Interview With a Vampire?"
The guy at the desk indeed wore a hat. It was yellow and said "Taco Villa" on it. Kind of a small sombrero thing. This was Chester, a local junk peddler.
"Hey Chester," I said. "Pricing guides are where they always are, over in the 680s."
"You know how much an Interview With a Vampire copy is worth?"
"Hardcover or paperback?"
Chester puffed up his chest. "Hardcover, of course."
"Any damage?"
"None."
"Dust jacket?"
"Yep, in that plastic stuff."
"Probably a few hundred. But you know what I always tell you."
"Chester, you're so pretty?"
"No, although I like the hat," I said. "You only get what people will pay."
Chester thought about that. "I guess."
"Where'd you get it?" Naomi asked.
I shot her a glance, warning her that she should not get him started, but what the hell. I went ahead and typed up Ebay and plugged in the details.
Chester said, "I got it on ebay for six hundred."
"There's two in here for four hundred."
"Those must be crap," Chester said. "Mine is genuine. It has a letter and everything."
Now I had to ask. "What kind of letter?"
"From Abigail Rice herself," Chester said. He had his backpack off, pulling out a small box. That went on the table, opened, and out came a copy of Interview with a Vampire, with the yellow cover and the pages faded and old. Thing smelled like mothballs and old dead lady.
"Anne Rice," I said.
Naomi nodded, a hand up by her nose.
"No, Abigail. She was Anne's sister, she really wrote the thing. It's all here in the letter," Chester said, unfolding a small note.
The torn page from a composition book looked to have been busily written in ball pout while the author was having their morning shit. A stain I hoped was coffee was on the right. The handwriting went every which way like an epileptic chicken had a fit all over it. I was skeptical of its authenticity and told him so.
"Well how would you know?" Chester said.
I turned the monitor around. Had up Anne Rice's biography on her website. "Cause she's only got one sister and her name is Alice."
Chester's face fell. "This is, well shit."
"I'm sorry, Chester. Maybe you can sell it again? Or leave a review, maybe get your money back?" Naomi said.
Chester said, "Or I can get revenge."
"What?" I said, my stomach filling with acid.
Chester took off his hat, put it over his heart. "I swear, by the junk sellers code, to find and destroy the man, woman, or child that sold this erroneous fabrication of beloved author Anne Rice if it is the last thing I do." Then he left, taking the old book and letter.
Naomi said, "Think we should tell someone?"
I shrugged and went back to my article.
"I can't smell my coffee," the technical services librarian said from the back of the workroom.
"What was that, Martha?" the children's librarian said.
"My coffee has gone flat," Martha said. She had her nose in the cup that said "Best Effin Motherfucker."
"Coffee tastes fine to me," the children's librarian said. Naomi had just poured herself a fresh cup. She had made the pot, in fact, less than an hour ago.
Martha slammed down her cup, saying, "Well, mine tastes weak as hell. And doesn't smell like anything. I'm going to make another pot."
"I just made that and mine tastes fine," Naomi said and watched Martha go to the coffee station over by the book binding table. She went over with her.
The pot was half full in Naomi's optimistic eyes. She said, "Let me smell it."
Martha dumped the pot into the small sink. "I'll just make it fresh." She sniffed and pulled a napkin from her sleeve and wiped at her nose.
Naomi stuck her face in the sink. Smelled like hot coffee to her and she said so.
"All this is off, too," Martha said, holding the can of grounds, stuffing her napkin back in her sleeve. She put her nose in the can taking a big whiff. "Nothing."
"Martha, those grounds smell fine. I can smell them from here," Naomi said. She watched Martha take her napkin back from her sleeve. "Are you sick?"
"Just a cold," Martha said.
"Martha, you can't smell. Do you have a fever?" She tried to put her hand on the woman's forehead, but Martha slapped her hand away.
"I ain't sick. Just a cold."" She shook the cup. "And shitty coffee."
Naomi stepped back. "Coffee's fine. You're not. Go home, Martha."
"You sound like James," Martha said.
Naomi gave her a chance to think. She went back to the small desk and gathered her things. Martha went on making the coffee until Naomi grabbed the library station wagon key.
"Where are you going?" she said.
"Store. You need medicine, and I need cleaning products to sterilize this room when you go home. Plus, more coffee. You can take that home. I'll drop things off at your place with James. I'll let ST know," Naomi said.
"I'm not going home," Martha said.
Naomi stopped. "Yes, you are."
"Young lady, do not treat me like a child."
Naomi held Martha's gaze. Her blue eyes kept tight hold on the older women.
"I am fine and will take my coffee back to my desk."
Naomi's stare became harder. Martha felt the strength of those eyes, the weight of them on her, strong as a hand holding her down.
"I can't go. Those new Graves books just came in."
Naomi did not move.
"Goddam children's librarians. Worse than moms," Martha said. She set her coffee cup in the sink. "Mom's have that hard look, but children's librarian eyes are all crazy. No love at all. Like being watched by a chihuahua with a knife."
"Martha." Naomi held out a trash can. Wiggled it a little. Martha had her coat on and struggled to get the napkin from within her sleeve. "I'll bring some medicine to your place soon. Some soup?"
Martha said, "Crazy eyes."
"Hi, do you have a small meeting room?" She was small and wearing a long yellow scarf with little orange pumpkins on it. Her smile made me smile.
"We do. You're in luck, there's one free. Do you have a library card?" I said.
She frowned. "I don't."
"That's okay. We just need to hold a form of identification, then. They check out for an hour and that's rounded up for the quarter hour. So for now, you'd have it until 11:15."
She handed over her driver's license. It was from the next state over. Her name was Karen. I made a note on the sign-in sheet for the small study rooms. "How many people?"
"Three," Karen said.
"Okay. Let me unlock the room for you." I walked her over and she went inside, setting down a small purse and taking off the yellow scarf. She carefully laid it on the table and arranged it in a circle.
"Can I leave my things here?" she said.
"I can lock the room if you leave, but we recommend not leaving valuables anywhere in the library."
"I just need to wait in the parking lot for the others," she said.
"Sounds good," I said. The room had a window, and as I locked the door I swear I saw the scarf move.
A few minutes later, she returned with a couple holding hands. He had an Ichabod Crane look to him, all bent parts, while she had the matronly feel of someone who watched every episode of Murder She Wrote annually. They seemed excited. We all three walked back to the study rooms, me in the lead to unlock the door. As I put my key in the lock, I glanced in the room to see a cobra rise up on the table.
I stepped back. "Oh hell no," I said. The creature lay tangled in the yellow scarf, its tan and brown mixing with the pumpkins. Six inches of snake hung in the air looking at me with its skin open.
Karen put a hand to her mouth. "She woke up."
The couple crowded me at the window. Ichabod said, "Look at her. Three feet, seven inches?"
"Ten inches," Karen said. Turning to me, "Can you open the door?"
"No," I said.
"Sir, I need to get to her before she-" She was cut off by the sound of something hitting the glass. I turned to see a thick liquid oozing down the glass.
"Magnificent. Twelve hundred, you said?" said Angela Lansbury.
"I'm not opening that door," I said.
Karen raised her voice, "Please open the door or she'll get really mad."
"I don't even know how to clean that off the window," I said. "You brought a cobra in a library?"
Another splat.
"She's perfectly safe," Karen said.
"So that's Kool-Aid she's spitting?" I said.
Angela Lansbury said, "Actually they don't spit. It's a pressure-"
"I'm calling animal control," I said and walked away. Karen followed.
"Sir, you can't lock my property away from me like that," she said.
From behind me I heard Ichabod and Angela talking. They were also mad, but I was done with all of this. Experts needed to weigh in.
I dialed the emergency number and Gladys came on. "Hey, what's happening at the library today?"
"We got a spitting cobra in the study room," I said.
"I'll transfer you to Amy with animal control," Gladys said.
Karen said, "You can't call them. They'll take her away."
While the phone rang, glass broke. I turned to see the window to the study room was broken. The door opened. The couple had decided to get the snake themselves. Then the screaming started. Karen ran toward the front door.
The phone picked up. Amy said, "Y'all got another nest of bats for me? Llama?"
"Spitting cobra."
"You guys like to challenge me," she said.
"Can you call the police and ambulance, too? I need to evacuate."
Amy said sure and hung up. I pulled the alarm behind the desk and started making the rounds to get people out of the library, texting the all-staff channel about the snake probably loose in the building.
Overall, this year kinda sucked. That's this librarian talking, of course, not an overview of the entire thread. It started with me being so stressed out by a relationship and my job that I got checked out by a hospital when my heart started racing out of control. It ended with my dad dying and all the things that came with that. The cream center of that dark cookie bullshit was a long stretch of depression cycles wherein I would feel great for two weeks and then crash.
At least there's bourbon and edibles and Playstation 5, amIright?
Anyway, here's the things I liked in 2023:
Hey, I like movies. Pretty good year all around. My highest rated was Spider-Man: Across the Spider-verse, just a pleasure and delight that pushed animation forward like no other movie has, although Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem was a close second. For the popular crowd, of course Barbie, Oppenheimer, Wonka, and Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 were damn good. John Wick: Chapter Four might have been the best time I had in the cinema this year. For the movie that came out of nowhere, I have Bottoms because I have thought about this absurd sex comedy more than I thought I would.
I only read three books that were released (at least in the format I read them, get off my ass) in 2023. The first was How to Sell a Haunted House by Grady Hendrix, a fun and wild little horror about things close to home and all the puppet murder you can get. Then there was The Spite House by Johnny Compton, another horror about a family barely hanging on in a house that is not theirs. The last was Don't Fear the Reaper by Stephen Graham Jones that twisted itself a little too much at times but I still enjoyed it.
I broke down and bought a PS5 this year primarily to play Baldur's Gate 3 and Spider-Man 2 and I did and they are great fun if wildly different. Mostly the rest of my year was Stardew Valley on the Switch.
Besides living in Mississippi for the last two months and not going crazy and platinuming Spider-Man 2? I started writing again. Sure, it's mostly dumb entries on this weird little website, but I take the time to get out of my head once in a while. That's a good thing.
Fuck, I don't know. It's like I'm making myself say where I think I'll be in five years. Five years ago I was moving to Seattle after a horrible break-up and putting my life together. Next year feels more like a hope than a dream, but I'll take what I can get.
And that's it. What's the best thing you did? What do you want to do?
I'm gonna go have some bourbon and an edible or five and sleep until the New Year. See you then.
"I just wanted to stop and ask if your daddy was okay," she said out the window of a late model Ford Explorer.
The dog had just stopped to cop a squat. It whined a bit, also annoyed that our neighbor had taken this moment to pull over to the side of the road and ask about the family.
"He died," I said. "Just after Thanksgiving."
She pulled her robe tight against her chest with one hand. "I'm so sorry to hear that. Will you be doing anything?"
"We had a small funeral over the weekend."
"He was such a quiet guy. Always out in the yard. Busy busy busy. I'm sorry to hear that."
The dog finished her business and pulled at the leash, eager to get on to smelling new and interesting things. A school bus passed by us, the neighbor in the car and me and the dog standing over a newly minted pile of shit.
I said, "He'll be missed. Thank you for saying so."
She let her hand free. I noticed she had on a blue bathrobe, yellow top underneath. No wedding ring as she waved her hand. "Of course. Y'all doing okay? We got a couple casseroles in the freezer I could bring over."
"We're fine. Got a few from the church. But thank you."
"He was always out there. We felt like we never did enough as him. He kept it all clean and nice. I’ll tell my husband. He’ll be sad about that. How long you in town for?"
The sun was coming up now and a bit of dew on the grass and the pile of shit started to drift up into the humid air. More noise from the primary school down the street. The roar of buses. Laughter of children.
"Til after Christmas. Get through the holidays."
"My husband will be sad. He's offshore, gone a lot, and after I drop the kids off it's just me. I always saw your daddy out there raking or mowing or digging in the garden and thought 'I should do more.' He was inspiring. Are you gonna be out there?" She gave a broad smile, fingering the collar of the robe.
I smiled and said, "I don't think I'll be out there as much as him. He was dedicated."
"Well, I hope to see you. Tell your momma I'll stop by. Give y'all my number just in case. I'm in the house on the corner, the one with the yellow fence, you know."
"I think that sounds good. We appreciate it."
Another smile and she drove off. While I was picking up the crap in the gray bags I had for the occasion, I realized I had no idea the neighbor's name. Mom would know.
Wonka starts off with a song from the first minute and flows from scene to scene with minor problems. A prequel of a kind, a young Willy Wonka wants to start a chocolate shop but is hindered by the machinations of a chocolate cartel that controls the police, the church, and the local economy. Willy uses the power of optimism and childlike magical realism to just hammer his way through obstacles and gain friends, played with charm and vigor by Timothee Chalamet. Everyone in the cast does a damn good job being quirky and somehow real despite the over the top nature of the production. The visuals only suffer from some rushed effects (including the dead stop that is the Oompa Loompa), but overall the movie is delightful with catchy songs and a new story that feels "Wonka." The references to the later stories are organic and well done, but the best is the leitmotif of Pure Imagination that caused me to tear up a little and pour one out for Gene Wilder in my heart and on the kid next to me. Overall a damn good time that's wholesome and needed, if not in the world than by me.
Shit starts right off with a song. No joke, I felt a little worried as he danced around like a foppish jack sparrow for the first few minutes on a ship. But then the song ended and he carried on, talking like a real person and stuff. And I liked him, not just as a handsome actor guy but as a character and person. Everyone does damn well twirling around with their songs. I like musicals in general, and while this one only had a few songs (the "World of Your Own" shop opening song was fun) that I remember, it just washed over me.
For some reason this kept coming to mind. The movie has an internal logic that's childish, magical, yet grounded. Wonka's chocolate, for example. Sure some of it has a bug in it that can make you fly, but another has some thunder and (something else, I forget) to bring hope while Wonka and Noodle talk about their future. Or the zoo scene with milking a giraffe that ends with the balloon dance. Light, beautiful, and a little silly if you think too hard about it.
Wonka here is a proto-version of what we know. That's gonna piss some people off, but I like that we don't know what he doesn't know. It's a surprise when he can't read or fucks up and gets tricked and hit. And that he has hope, a wish to share what his mother gave him. He's human, and I really liked that he could become the hermit with an army of small singing men but right now he's not.
I did not expect the class struggle that involved the church. Holy shit, that made me love this movie more. Including the scene with the funeral, Rowan Atkinson picking up the phone, "Hello, pulpit" as if he normally takes calls there. Then the guerilla, underground way our heroes have to organize to reach the people. Getting out their message like street preachers and food trucks until they can establish themselves and be the establishment.
Every time this little song played, I teared up a little. At the end when it played, I teared up a little. I love this song and they didn't fuck it up.
Hugh Grant does great, but the effect and the character in general sucks. The little man seems cut and pasted into shots, his little stupid costumes and outfits not fitting the overall feel of the story. It's like they just mashed him into the story as an afterthought. Just wrote the story out and then were like, "shit, we forgot the oompa loompas." Every time he came on screen, it stopped the story cold. You could cut the character, and it would be fine.
A man in a yellow coat walked the stacks of the library. Back and forth, he stalked and ran his finger along the spines making a quiet little rattle on the metal shelves. He looked for nothing, wanted little, and let his eyes search.
"Anything I can help you with?" a page shelving some cookbooks said.
He smiled and said no in a low voice like thunder a mile off.
"Sorry," a teenager in the fiction section said, moving aside to let the man in the yellow coat pass.
The man nodded and passed. The teenager smelled cinnamon and clover.
A librarian saw the man pass the window in front of the backroom. The librarian was binding a book that had been torn by a dog. He had already cleaned off the piss that the dog had left. No stains, just a few sprinkles on the book jacket. At least that's what the patron had said his dog did. The librarian had said thank you and taken the bag with the torn book with a little urine on it. No fee. The dog owner could not afford the title, a nonfiction reference book about training Doberman pinchers, and the librarian could not be bothered. As the man in the yellow coat passed the window, though, the librarian was bothered.
"I think something's wrong," the librarian binding the book said to the other librarian.
The other librarian had her email displayed on the computer and swiped her phone. She had been on a dating app looking for someone to spend Saturday night with. She paid extra for the app to show her matches that liked movies and to hide anyone over five foot, five inches. Man or woman, she liked them short. She asked what the book binder meant.
"Just a feeling. Saw this guy," the binder said.
Swiper looked up. "What kind of guy?"
"Guy in a yellow coat."
"Like, he might open the yellow coat?"
"No, not that kind of coat. And it was open. I think he had a t-shirt and jeans under it."
Swiper looked back at her phone to see Jeremy, five foot three inches of accountant. She swiped. "Want me to take a look?"
Binder, standing now, said, "I'll check it out."
He found the man in the yellow coat on the second floor, staring out a window over the tire market next door and the cemetery beyond. He pretended to straighten some shelves, but the man turned a little and said, "Rain."
Binder looked out, not seeing a drop. "I think it might tonight."
"It will," the man said. "It always rains when the sky is red like it was this morning. You know that?"
"I don't think so."
"Red sky at night is a shepherd's delight. Red sky in morning, a shepherd take warning." He said it sing-song, like a nursery rhyme or some tune he had almost forgotten. "It's true. Works how the sun shines through the clouds, those coming and going bouncing all that dust and water around and making the color turn. It's in the Bible."
"Huh," Binder said.
"It's also a nice little rhyme, don't you think?"
"My grandpa used to say it."
"Yeah."
They stood looking out over the tire place and the setting sun. It all went from yellow to blue and right at the end there was a flash of green on the horizon.
"Whoa, did you-" Binder said and turned but the man in the yellow coat had gone.
Rain began to drip and tap on the window. It went slow at first then harder, the drops fat and heavy. Binder went to the backroom feeling outside himself. Something inside had become green and dark.
Swiper worked on her email, the phone next to the keyboard. She typed as he entered, finishing and looking back at Binder. "You okay?"
"Red sky in the morning," he said.
Swiper said, "Sailor take warning."
"I always heard shepherd."
Swiper felt something for him then. Her coworker had a sadness, a deep empty look that made her want to wrap him up in her arms and hold him. Let him cry and hold on to her while she stroked his head and called him "sweet boy." She told herself it was the rain, making her want to feel cuddly and cozy, as he went back to fixing the book and she went to see if the page needed help with the cookbooks before they closed.
A man with a shotgun over his shoulder and a short sword at his waist walked into the library and right up to the circulation desk. He asked to see the manager. The librarian on duty came and got me from my office, telling me shit might be about to go down.
"Sir, first off, you can't bring a weapon in the library. Please take those outside," I said.
"Aw shit. Yeah, well, can you come too?" he said.
I said I could and followed him to the front door. I'm single, nobody waiting for me to come home, and have lived a good life. I thought about telling the librarian at the desk to tell my mom I loved her, but that seemed overkill.
Outside, he pointed to a flock of Canadian geese walking around the lawn. The large gray, black, and white creatures pecked at each other and the grass. A few eyed us. They were all adults as far as I could tell but then again I have no idea what a teenage goose looks like.
He said, "Those yours?"
"The geese?" I said.
"Yeah."
"I don't own any animals."
"No. Like the library. They in your yard. Y'all takin care of them or something?"
I thought a moment. As far as I know, I had not entered into any protective agreement with the creatures. I told him no.
"Okay then," he said. "I'm gonna get one. Mind being backup?"
"What exactly is happening?"
"Well, Canadian geese there, those are good eatin. Usually I just get the ones on my property, over out by the lake. Seems they don't come around much anymore. Anyway, they mostly just dumb. You can walk right up to them and get'em quick. One hard swipe." He pulled the short sword from his belt and gave it a swing, right to left. "But they can get mean, and when there's a bunch it's best to use scatter shot."
"So to get this straight. You're going to walk over there, cut the head off a goose, and if they get mad about it I'm supposed to break it up with the shotgun," I said.
"That's about the skinny," he said, thrusting out the shotgun.
"Sir, this is a library."
"Yeah. But they don't know that."
"There's kids inside."
He lowered the shotgun to his side. "So that's a no."
"I'm pretty sure it's illegal to shoot a weapon in the city limits. Probably some hunting laws, too."
"You gonna call the sheriff?"
"Not the sheriff, but city police are right across the street."
"Oh, shit. Why didn't I think of that? Thank you, library man," and he walked off toward the police station.
I watched him go and decided to do paperwork in my office all afternoon. I told the librarian on duty to call me when they heard something. They asked what kind of something, and I said they would know.
Twenty minutes later children began screaming. A man began hollering. Two shotgun blasts filled the town square. I peaked out to see the man holding a headless bird by the neck, a city police officer holding the shotgun and standing over a bloody pile of feathers. Several geese were fleeing the scene.
The librarian on duty knocked on my door.
Welcome to this thing I'm gonna do for movies that I don't really have a lot of good things to say because they kinda just exist. This time, we're talking about Eli Roth's Thanksgiving, a horror movie so full of homages and solid kills that they decided that's all they needed.
When a man dressed as a pilgrim starts killing the survivors of a Black Friday sale a year later, a girl and her friends and some other people have to figure out who the pilgrim is before they also are killed. Will they succeed against the killer pilgrim when the store stays open, the town continues on like nothing is happening, and the adults are like "huh, some folks are dying?"
Let's call her Jessica - I can't remember her name, and I met a girl named Jessica last night so here we are. The final girl of the piece, she's the daughter of the store owner who opened his doors and created a massacre last Thanksgiving. She's got a love triangle that goes nowhere and a lot of friends who die.
Bunch of dead characters walking - Are they unlikeable? Do they not understand the true meaning of Thanksgiving? Probably gonna die.
Bunch of characters that are there - Do they have lines that seem like they could be the killer? Are they helpful to give Jessica and a dead character walking something to do? There they are, loving the shit out of Thanksgiving.
The Pilgrim - The killer is masquerading as John Carter or Carver or something pilgrim related made up for the movie. Or real, I'm not researching this. They have a fascination with Thanksgiving and hate for those that want to commercialize it. When the reveal happens, they've also got a solid reason for doing what they do. Plus, solid social networking skills on the 'Gram.
After the standard "oh no, people are dead but I'm the main final girl so I'll walk down this half-lit hallway away from the police" moment where the first "final girl on killer" attack happens, we get the best scene of the movie: the parade. Our pilgrim killer took some notes on the Joker and has an attack at a parade that's wild and surprising. This will be watched on Youtube for a month or so.
The killer gets revealed by some half-ass Agatha Christie by way of Scooby-Doo mistake. The person they have playing has fun and is fun to watch when they go all crazy, though. Very much Stu and Billy in Scream or Noxzema girl in Urban legend. You don't see that as much as you used to, and I kinda miss it. Then it's the standard "we can't find the body" to set up a sequel.
"There's a murder case at my dad's store. Let's not fuck around."
"Thank you, Chad" - after a reading by some guy with abs at school who girls fawn over
"He's just taking her to Florida" - after a girl's dad picks her up from an attack she survived
"He's out of it after too much white zinfandel the other night." - talking about wine like a heroin OD
"She's been cooking all day" about the person who gets cooked alive like a turkey
Not a kill, actually, but dunking someone in water and slamming them face first into a freezer door to hold them in place is creative. Never seen that before.
Random thoughts
So many homages - They just have shots and plot points cleverly taken or randomly inserted from Halloween, A Nightmare on Elm Street, My Bloody Valentine, Scream, Sleepaway Camp, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and so many more.
The accents of every character dip in and out of Massachusetts all the time. Even inside scenes. It's messy and distracting even if they were going for "this is how campy horror did it."
Several of the kills just take too long or move to different locations. Some are supposed to be building tension, but they just get dull because we've seen this kind of tension so many times. Probably works for those who have not seen much slasher content, but if you're watching Thanksgiving then you love horror not just seeing a movie on a lark.
The central mystery kind of loses its way. We're supposed to care about who the killer is, and we know the motive broadly because of the prologue. About halfway, though, we get some Scooby Doo level misdirections about the killer's identity and who was at the store that felt confusing rather than planting red herrings. We know who was at the store, why all the busy work?
A parent, hardcore rich Russian guy, says fuck this and tries to leave with his daughter to Florida. This is amazing, and I would have been delighted to never see her again. Except he takes the time to let her pack and hang out while he's listening to music on noise canceling headphones. I applaud the "let's get the fuck out" mentality, but it felt wasted and would have been refreshing for that character to have just gotten the fuck out by a parent who cared.
The windows on the north side of the library shook when the thunder rolled through. The sound came in waves crashing against the glass, one rumbling after another. Everyone looked out at the dark clouds.
"I think the power might go out," the librarian said to the page.
The page nodded.
The patrons sat at the computers. Some mumbled to themselves, some sang, while others hunched over the keyboard an inch from the screen and hunted. They hunted for things only they would know when they found.
"Let's go around. Tell everyone to save. Just in case," the librarian said.
They started on the right while the page went left. They said quietly, "Just in case the power goes out, remember to save if you're working on something." They waved when the person had headphones. They offered to help print and flash drives. The computers would save nothing.
Another roll of thunder with a flash. The windows rattled again. The patrons continued to work.
When they were done, the librarian and the page went ahead and made signs. Power out. Internet not available. If anyone would read them in the dark, they didn't know.
When nature flipped the switch, it was quiet. No thunder or lightning or dramatic crack from the heavens. Just a flicker of the lights and everything was dark.
People paused. The rain hit the windows. Shadows creeped and filled all the empty spaces. The quiet came as the computer hum and the click clack of fingers died.
"What happened?" one voice said.
"Power's out," another said.
Another: "No shit."
One man stood and walked to the librarian and the page standing at the desk. "When's the power coming back?"
The librarian said they did not know.
"I almost had that printed. Good thing I saved," he said.
The page said the computers did not save. Unless he did it in the cloud.
"I just hit the save. Because of those clouds," the man said and pointed at the rain splattered north facing windows where the dark clouds blotted out the sun.
They tried to explain all the way until the lights came back. Then more thunder, this time inside the library.
"Hi, my daughter got this book from your shelves, and it's disgusting. This monkey is all over this man." The woman had two kids behind her large hair, peaking out as if it was a bush and they were frightened squirrels.
The librarian took the book. "Yes, I see. He is a curious monkey."
"What are you going to do about it?"
"Check it in. Shelve it." The librarian scanned the book with a beep.
"I want it removed."
The librarian's head came up. They met the woman's eye. "Are you sure? Think carefully before you say such things."
The woman's eyes narrowed. "That book and that monkey is disgusting, and I want it removed from the library."
The librarian made the sign of the evil eye, saying, "Three time and it comes."
"Are you stupid? Protect our children and remove this book from the library," the woman said. Her hair shook with the tremors of the children. They might be laughing, they might be cringing.
The librarian backed away. They said, "It comes."
A bright red light found the woman. A robotic whirring filled the air as a small metallic ball with spinning helicopter blades came down. The voice came in a hollow monotone. "Book being challenged. Please present the book."
The librarian slid the book toward the robot. A red light is shown down scanning the cover. The voice came again. "This item has no previous challenges and is rated for children three and above, although adults find the art pleasant. State your challenge."
The librarian said to the woman, "It's talking to you."
The red light swiveled from librarian to woman.
"I, um… The monkey touched people. My kids don't need to see that," she said.
"Analysis of the images and text have the curious monkey hold their keeper's and a teacher's hand. In one image, the frightened creature climbs upon the keeper's shoulders. These are acceptable behaviors for a primate. Your challenge is rejected."
"My children wanted to hold a monkey. That's dangerous."
"You should not allow them to hold wild animals or domesticated animals without professional supervision."
"They keep telling me they want a monkey and we went to the zoo and little Jessie reached through the cage," the woman said pointing to the small child over her right shoulder.
The red roving eye swiveled from the woman to the librarian and back. The librarian sighed.
"Child protective services have been alerted. Your children will be taken to a safe home where they will be taught how to be productive, intelligent, and empathetic members of society. Thank you for alerting us to the danger. Have a nice day." The robot rose in the air, leaving the desk.
"That was stupid. I want that book gone," the woman said.
"I would hug your children," the librarian said, putting the book on the cart. "You should spend time with them while you can. Away from the zoo, of course."
The library opened today to find a giant yellow crate outside the front door, a fine mist spreading from the cracks and drifting with tendrils in the morning wind. The symbol of a dragon was drawn in crude fashion with a brown sticky paint. We brought it in.
Opening it revealed a large amount of soil. Several bones were spread among the dirt and a small note. The note read: "Here lies Dracula. Please display him properly."
Among the dirt we found a well preserved body of an older looking gentleman in a top hat and long coat, several display cases with artifacts, and a binder. The binder had comprehensive instructions on displaying the materials in a well unlit, cool area.
We asked the staff at the morning huddle, and the reference librarian slapped their head, saying, "That must be the traveling Romanian exhibit Marcy signed up for, hell, I dunno, a year ago. Before she mysteriously disappeared on that trip to Europe. You remember, she phoned and said 'I've decided to stay with a charming man in a castle. He would like to visit and will send a display. Don't send help or anything. I'm cool.' Then we never heard from her again and had to do that whole hiring thing."
Several staff members said, "Oh, yeah."
Please feel free to visit the traveling exhibit once it has been set up. We anticipate next week.
Some movies don't have to be on the big screen. There is nothing wrong with direct to video/DVD/streaming, just letting that half-baked product go out there to be the background soundtrack to someone's childhood. Disney put Wish out there on the vague promise of another Frozen or Encanto with fun songs and a nice art style, but they forgot to give anything engaging like a story or characters.
Wish is the story of a magical land ruled by the wizard king Magnifico who takes his subject's wish (or heart's desire, it's not super defined) on their 18th birthday so that everyone will be docile. A young girl named Asha finds out this is actually bad, and with a wishing star and the power of magic set out to stop Magnifico and give back everyone their wishes. Along the way, Disney masturbates their canon trying to tie all their stories together as if it was some kind of goofy (adjective not dog-man) cinematic universe.
The art style of wish is very fairytale in color and texture. The hues are pale watercolors splashed across the screen with only bright spots where the magic fills in. All that is painted on nice textures that resemble bumpy plaster and pillowy toilet paper. It's really very nice to look at when the camera sits still but in motion loses all appeal and becomes generic video game cutscenes. The still images of this movie are amazing.
Another thing I am not qualified to discuss (did I mention I'm not an artist?), is the music. The villain song, an animal song with animals, and this one Stomp! inspired heavy beat revolution song all are fun in the moment, but I'll be honest, that's all I remember about them. There's no show stopper here, the songs designed to be redundant information dumps to fill the runtime. This leads to the feeling that maybe this movie was kinda thrown together, which feels very studio.
Let me get this out of the way before I start shitting on the movie: I believe all those involved did their best. Fawn Veerasunthorn and Chris Buck made good choices as directors with the art and the shots. Ariana DeBose, Chris Pine, and everyone else acted their asses off with the material they were given. The problem comes with the script and the story.
This movie, with every half-baked reference and cliche line, reeks of studio craptitude. Someone took what might have been a nice pilot episode to a cute little afternoon animated show or an irreverent pushback of the studio that's a little too Shrek and they made it a DISNEY MOVIE. That's a lot for this story, the whole princess classic story thing, and it doesn't deserve that.
Save this for a rainy afternoon when someone sits on the remote and triggers Disney+ accidentally.
Here's some random thoughts:
The magical star falls for no other reason than the plot needed it to (I wanted it to be her dad, what with all the nose touching).
The backstory for the villain who starts a little sympathetic is mentioned but given no details (what if he thought he caused the previous kingdom's downfall with a wish so that's why he's stealing them?).
The hell is it with nobody saying "evil" (forbidden magic is dumb, make that shit evil)?
Her friend goes evil and it's very compelling and then… not.
The little comic relief goat in all the trailers? Talks to like maybe one other person and mostly to himself. It feels like it was added way after to fill time. Funny, good job Tudyk, but totally useless.
I liked the Grandpa character. Very sweet.
Villain origin stories are great! Seeing some bastard turn from a meek and kind child to monsterous psychopath for more interesting people to battle is quite the journey to take an audience on. Fun fact, though, maybe have the character change some and not display traits of a lying nutcase while telling a story that looks like it has twists and turns but really just has half-baked characters in the middle of a half-baked epic.
It's ten years after the Hunger Games have had children battling to the death for the amusement and punishment of the citizens who rebelled and about sixty-four years before Jennifer Lawerence kills people and Peeta decorates cakes. No one is watching the games, however, so the command demands that the graduating class make people interested. Enter Corny Snow, the future villain, to mentor Lacy Gray, the most interesting of the tributes for the games. Will they shake up the games? Who will survive to the end? Who is a snake and who is a songbird? In the end, who will give a shit?
I'm gonna start with the acting because the effects are eh and the plot requires its own paragraph. Everyone here is doing a great job, from the quiet brooding of Snow guy to the singing charisma of Lacy Gray gal. The adults get the best of the lot, with Peter Dinklage and Viola Davis just acting crazy. "Villains, fuck your villains, we've got the most weird, dark, twisted, and cackling villains of them all," those two said and wiped their asses with Game of Thrones and Suicide Squad contracts. And that's without mentioning Jason Swartzman, the lone pure comedy who delivers a few lines as the host/magician/weatherman that had me laugh damn hard. Not many people could say the line "the little tuberculosis with legs" like he does.
And then there's the plot. In essence, it reminded me of Ex Machina but done worse. In that movie a rich robot inventor invites a company man to see if he can tell if his girl robot is acting human. As that movie and this movie goes on, you doubt the motives of everyone involved to the point where the final act is a quiet explosion of "oh damns" as everyone reveals themselves. Here, we have to slog through three acts: Snow prepping for the games, the arena battle, and then the aftermath. I hate to say it, but this structure would have worked better as two or three movies. The opening and arena bits echo the original movie and are quite good, but when the final "Part 3" title card rolled out I was done, writing in my notes "OMG it's still going. There's so much more." And even it is good, and chocolate cake might taste good, but I don't want it after a pizza and a lasagna.
And that's about the mood of the whole thing. There's too much happening but not enough growth. I don't feel by the end that our villain origin has peaked because he was doing duplicitous things for his own ends from the beginning. Snow as a character is a sociopath, turning against or using everyone with the lone exception being his sister/cousin/tiger lady. Even when turns happen, when there's scenes where it feels like he may be in doubt, all it takes is one thing being said or one catalyst to enter, and I knew he would do whatever it took to fulfill his own interests.
If you go see this, matinee all the way. Don't pay full price. Hell, even wait for streaming. It's not big or bombastic or interesting visually to see on the big screen and the bright spots of music can be enjoyed just as well with a good pair of headphones.
Thoughts:
Do you think they referenced the first movies enough? I counted all the references and stopped when I realized I didn't care.
They put a girl with Downs in the arena to get bricked in the head because what the hell?
The secret about his family at the end was really not revelatory at all and immediately is undercut. A death that made the whole thing not matter at all.
Lacy Gray sings, but that's the only thing that makes her the songbird. I still don't know who was what in the title and don't really care. It's not as interesting as they thought it would be.
Yes, I am aware that they put actual snakes and actual songbirds. Metaphor or lazy, you judge.
They brought back the floaty fight camera and I hate it.
For the first nine years, the arena was just a Roman style room where kids killed each other. Yeah, that's boring as shit.
Who do Dinklage and Davis report to that are keeping an eye on anything that might cancel these games? Were they in danger of retirement or what?
The subplot of rebellion and betrayal including a secondary character kinda made me angry that it was not a reference to the first movies, but if it was, I did not get it.