Wonka (2023) Is the Wholesome Shit We All Need

Wonka starts off with a song from the first minute and flows from scene to scene with minor problems. A prequel of a kind, a young Willy Wonka wants to start a chocolate shop but is hindered by the machinations of a chocolate cartel that controls the police, the church, and the local economy. Willy uses the power of optimism and childlike magical realism to just hammer his way through obstacles and gain friends, played with charm and vigor by Timothee Chalamet. Everyone in the cast does a damn good job being quirky and somehow real despite the over the top nature of the production. The visuals only suffer from some rushed effects (including the dead stop that is the Oompa Loompa), but overall the movie is delightful with catchy songs and a new story that feels "Wonka." The references to the later stories are organic and well done, but the best is the leitmotif of Pure Imagination that caused me to tear up a little and pour one out for Gene Wilder in my heart and on the kid next to me. Overall a damn good time that's wholesome and needed, if not in the world than by me.

The following will have spoilers and probably me working through some shit:

Not fucking around as a musical

Shit starts right off with a song. No joke, I felt a little worried as he danced around like a foppish jack sparrow for the first few minutes on a ship. But then the song ended and he carried on, talking like a real person and stuff. And I liked him, not just as a handsome actor guy but as a character and person. Everyone does damn well twirling around with their songs. I like musicals in general, and while this one only had a few songs (the "World of Your Own" shop opening song was fun) that I remember, it just washed over me.

Childlike magic realism

For some reason this kept coming to mind. The movie has an internal logic that's childish, magical, yet grounded. Wonka's chocolate, for example. Sure some of it has a bug in it that can make you fly, but another has some thunder and (something else, I forget) to bring hope while Wonka and Noodle talk about their future. Or the zoo scene with milking a giraffe that ends with the balloon dance. Light, beautiful, and a little silly if you think too hard about it.

Chalamet is charming, kind, mad

Wonka here is a proto-version of what we know. That's gonna piss some people off, but I like that we don't know what he doesn't know. It's a surprise when he can't read or fucks up and gets tricked and hit. And that he has hope, a wish to share what his mother gave him. He's human, and I really liked that he could become the hermit with an army of small singing men but right now he's not.

Greedy Beats Needy

I did not expect the class struggle that involved the church. Holy shit, that made me love this movie more. Including the scene with the funeral, Rowan Atkinson picking up the phone, "Hello, pulpit" as if he normally takes calls there. Then the guerilla, underground way our heroes have to organize to reach the people. Getting out their message like street preachers and food trucks until they can establish themselves and be the establishment.

Pure Imagination

Every time this little song played, I teared up a little. At the end when it played, I teared up a little. I love this song and they didn't fuck it up.

Oompa Loompa a little too much

Hugh Grant does great, but the effect and the character in general sucks. The little man seems cut and pasted into shots, his little stupid costumes and outfits not fitting the overall feel of the story. It's like they just mashed him into the story as an afterthought. Just wrote the story out and then were like, "shit, we forgot the oompa loompas." Every time he came on screen, it stopped the story cold. You could cut the character, and it would be fine.

Shepherd Take Warning

A man in a yellow coat walked the stacks of the library. Back and forth, he stalked and ran his finger along the spines making a quiet little rattle on the metal shelves. He looked for nothing, wanted little, and let his eyes search.

"Anything I can help you with?" a page shelving some cookbooks said.

He smiled and said no in a low voice like thunder a mile off.

"Sorry," a teenager in the fiction section said, moving aside to let the man in the yellow coat pass.

The man nodded and passed. The teenager smelled cinnamon and clover.

A librarian saw the man pass the window in front of the backroom. The librarian was binding a book that had been torn by a dog. He had already cleaned off the piss that the dog had left. No stains, just a few sprinkles on the book jacket. At least that's what the patron had said his dog did. The librarian had said thank you and taken the bag with the torn book with a little urine on it. No fee. The dog owner could not afford the title, a nonfiction reference book about training Doberman pinchers, and the librarian could not be bothered. As the man in the yellow coat passed the window, though, the librarian was bothered.

"I think something's wrong," the librarian binding the book said to the other librarian.

The other librarian had her email displayed on the computer and swiped her phone. She had been on a dating app looking for someone to spend Saturday night with. She paid extra for the app to show her matches that liked movies and to hide anyone over five foot, five inches. Man or woman, she liked them short. She asked what the book binder meant.

"Just a feeling. Saw this guy," the binder said.

Swiper looked up. "What kind of guy?"

"Guy in a yellow coat."

"Like, he might open the yellow coat?"

"No, not that kind of coat. And it was open. I think he had a t-shirt and jeans under it."

Swiper looked back at her phone to see Jeremy, five foot three inches of accountant. She swiped. "Want me to take a look?"

Binder, standing now, said, "I'll check it out."

He found the man in the yellow coat on the second floor, staring out a window over the tire market next door and the cemetery beyond. He pretended to straighten some shelves, but the man turned a little and said, "Rain."

Binder looked out, not seeing a drop. "I think it might tonight."

"It will," the man said. "It always rains when the sky is red like it was this morning. You know that?"

"I don't think so."

"Red sky at night is a shepherd's delight. Red sky in morning, a shepherd take warning." He said it sing-song, like a nursery rhyme or some tune he had almost forgotten. "It's true. Works how the sun shines through the clouds, those coming and going bouncing all that dust and water around and making the color turn. It's in the Bible."

"Huh," Binder said.

"It's also a nice little rhyme, don't you think?"

"My grandpa used to say it."

"Yeah."

They stood looking out over the tire place and the setting sun. It all went from yellow to blue and right at the end there was a flash of green on the horizon.

"Whoa, did you-" Binder said and turned but the man in the yellow coat had gone.

Rain began to drip and tap on the window. It went slow at first then harder, the drops fat and heavy. Binder went to the backroom feeling outside himself. Something inside had become green and dark.

Swiper worked on her email, the phone next to the keyboard. She typed as he entered, finishing and looking back at Binder. "You okay?"

"Red sky in the morning," he said.

Swiper said, "Sailor take warning."

"I always heard shepherd."

Swiper felt something for him then. Her coworker had a sadness, a deep empty look that made her want to wrap him up in her arms and hold him. Let him cry and hold on to her while she stroked his head and called him "sweet boy." She told herself it was the rain, making her want to feel cuddly and cozy, as he went back to fixing the book and she went to see if the page needed help with the cookbooks before they closed.

Shh, We're Hunting Geese

A man with a shotgun over his shoulder and a short sword at his waist walked into the library and right up to the circulation desk. He asked to see the manager. The librarian on duty came and got me from my office, telling me shit might be about to go down.

     "Sir, first off, you can't bring a weapon in the library. Please take those outside," I said.

     "Aw shit. Yeah, well, can you come too?" he said.

     I said I could and followed him to the front door. I'm single, nobody waiting for me to come home, and have lived a good life. I thought about telling the librarian at the desk to tell my mom I loved her, but that seemed overkill.

     Outside, he pointed to a flock of Canadian geese walking around the lawn. The large gray, black, and white creatures pecked at each other and the grass. A few eyed us. They were all adults as far as I could tell but then again I have no idea what a teenage goose looks like.

      He said, "Those yours?"

     "The geese?" I said.

     "Yeah."

     "I don't own any animals."

     "No. Like the library. They in your yard. Y'all takin care of them or something?"

     I thought a moment. As far as I know, I had not entered into any protective agreement with the creatures. I told him no.

     "Okay then," he said. "I'm gonna get one. Mind being backup?"

     "What exactly is happening?"

     "Well, Canadian geese there, those are good eatin. Usually I just get the ones on my property, over out by the lake. Seems they don't come around much anymore. Anyway, they mostly just dumb. You can walk right up to them and get'em quick. One hard swipe." He pulled the short sword from his belt and gave it a swing, right to left. "But they can get mean, and when there's a bunch it's best to use scatter shot."

     "So to get this straight. You're going to walk over there, cut the head off a goose, and if they get mad about it I'm supposed to break it up with the shotgun," I said.

     "That's about the skinny," he said, thrusting out the shotgun.

     "Sir, this is a library."

     "Yeah. But they don't know that."

     "There's kids inside."

     He lowered the shotgun to his side. "So that's a no."

     "I'm pretty sure it's illegal to shoot a weapon in the city limits. Probably some hunting laws, too."

     "You gonna call the sheriff?"

     "Not the sheriff, but city police are right across the street."

     "Oh, shit. Why didn't I think of that? Thank you, library man," and he walked off toward the police station. 

     I watched him go and decided to do paperwork in my office all afternoon. I told the librarian on duty to call me when they heard something. They asked what kind of something, and I said they would know.

     Twenty minutes later children began screaming. A man began hollering. Two shotgun blasts filled the town square. I peaked out to see the man holding a headless bird by the neck, a city police officer holding the shotgun and standing over a bloody pile of feathers. Several geese were fleeing the scene. 

      The librarian on duty knocked on my door.

Anatomy of a Movie: Thanksgiving (2023)

Welcome to this thing I'm gonna do for movies that I don't really have a lot of good things to say because they kinda just exist. This time, we're talking about Eli Roth's Thanksgiving, a horror movie so full of homages and solid kills that they decided that's all they needed.

Summary

When a man dressed as a pilgrim starts killing the survivors of a Black Friday sale a year later, a girl and her friends and some other people have to figure out who the pilgrim is before they also are killed. Will they succeed against the killer pilgrim when the store stays open, the town continues on like nothing is happening, and the adults are like "huh, some folks are dying?"

Characters

Let's call her Jessica - I can't remember her name, and I met a girl named Jessica last night so here we are. The final girl of the piece, she's the daughter of the store owner who opened his doors and created a massacre last Thanksgiving. She's got a love triangle that goes nowhere and a lot of friends who die.

Bunch of dead characters walking - Are they unlikeable? Do they not understand the true meaning of Thanksgiving? Probably gonna die.

Bunch of characters that are there - Do they have lines that seem like they could be the killer? Are they helpful to give Jessica and a dead character walking something to do? There they are, loving the shit out of Thanksgiving.

The Pilgrim - The killer is masquerading as John Carter or Carver or something pilgrim related made up for the movie. Or real, I'm not researching this. They have a fascination with Thanksgiving and hate for those that want to commercialize it. When the reveal happens, they've also got a solid reason for doing what they do. Plus, solid social networking skills on the 'Gram.

Midpoint action

After the standard "oh no, people are dead but I'm the main final girl so I'll walk down this half-lit hallway away from the police" moment where the first "final girl on killer" attack happens, we get the best scene of the movie: the parade. Our pilgrim killer took some notes on the Joker and has an attack at a parade that's wild and surprising. This will be watched on Youtube for a month or so.

Ending

The killer gets revealed by some half-ass Agatha Christie by way of Scooby-Doo mistake. The person they have playing has fun and is fun to watch when they go all crazy, though. Very much Stu and Billy in Scream or Noxzema girl in Urban legend. You don't see that as much as you used to, and I kinda miss it. Then it's the standard "we can't find the body" to set up a sequel.

Favorite quotes - not exact

"There's a murder case at my dad's store. Let's not fuck around."

"Thank you, Chad" - after a reading by some guy with abs at school who girls fawn over

"He's just taking her to Florida" - after a girl's dad picks her up from an attack she survived

"He's out of it after too much white zinfandel the other night." - talking about wine like a heroin OD

"She's been cooking all day" about the person who gets cooked alive like a turkey

Best Kill

Not a kill, actually, but dunking someone in water and slamming them face first into a freezer door to hold them in place is creative. Never seen that before.

Random thoughts

So many homages - They just have shots and plot points cleverly taken or randomly inserted from Halloween, A Nightmare on Elm Street, My Bloody Valentine, Scream, Sleepaway Camp, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and so many more.

The accents of every character dip in and out of Massachusetts all the time. Even inside scenes. It's messy and distracting even if they were going for "this is how campy horror did it."

Several of the kills just take too long or move to different locations. Some are supposed to be building tension, but they just get dull because we've seen this kind of tension so many times. Probably works for those who have not seen much slasher content, but if you're watching Thanksgiving then you love horror not just seeing a movie on a lark.

The central mystery kind of loses its way. We're supposed to care about who the killer is, and we know the motive broadly because of the prologue. About halfway, though, we get some Scooby Doo level misdirections about the killer's identity and who was at the store that felt confusing rather than planting red herrings. We know who was at the store, why all the busy work?

A parent, hardcore rich Russian guy, says fuck this and tries to leave with his daughter to Florida. This is amazing, and I would have been delighted to never see her again. Except he takes the time to let her pack and hang out while he's listening to music on noise canceling headphones. I applaud the "let's get the fuck out" mentality, but it felt wasted and would have been refreshing for that character to have just gotten the fuck out by a parent who cared.

Thunder in the Cloud

The windows on the north side of the library shook when the thunder rolled through. The sound came in waves crashing against the glass, one rumbling after another. Everyone looked out at the dark clouds.

     "I think the power might go out," the librarian said to the page.

     The page nodded.

     The patrons sat at the computers. Some mumbled to themselves, some sang, while others hunched over the keyboard an inch from the screen and hunted. They hunted for things only they would know when they found.

     "Let's go around. Tell everyone to save. Just in case," the librarian said.

     They started on the right while the page went left. They said quietly, "Just in case the power goes out, remember to save if you're working on something." They waved when the person had headphones. They offered to help print and flash drives. The computers would save nothing.

     Another roll of thunder with a flash. The windows rattled again. The patrons continued to work.

     When they were done, the librarian and the page went ahead and made signs. Power out. Internet not available. If anyone would read them in the dark, they didn't know. 

     When nature flipped the switch, it was quiet. No thunder or lightning or dramatic crack from the heavens. Just a flicker of the lights and everything was dark.

     People paused. The rain hit the windows. Shadows creeped and filled all the empty spaces. The quiet came as the computer hum and the click clack of fingers died.

     "What happened?" one voice said.

     "Power's out," another said.

     Another: "No shit."

     One man stood and walked to the librarian and the page standing at the desk. "When's the power coming back?"

     The librarian said they did not know.

     "I almost had that printed. Good thing I saved," he said.

     The page said the computers did not save. Unless he did it in the cloud.

     "I just hit the save. Because of those clouds," the man said and pointed at the rain splattered north facing windows where the dark clouds blotted out the sun.

     They tried to explain all the way until the lights came back. Then more thunder, this time inside the library.

Artificial Book Banning Intelligence

"Hi, my daughter got this book from your shelves, and it's disgusting. This monkey is all over this man." The woman had two kids behind her large hair, peaking out as if it was a bush and they were frightened squirrels.

     The librarian took the book. "Yes, I see. He is a curious monkey."

     "What are you going to do about it?"

     "Check it in. Shelve it." The librarian scanned the book with a beep.

     "I want it removed."

     The librarian's head came up. They met the woman's eye. "Are you sure? Think carefully before you say such things."

     The woman's eyes narrowed. "That book and that monkey is disgusting, and I want it removed from the library."

     The librarian made the sign of the evil eye, saying, "Three time and it comes."

     "Are you stupid? Protect our children and remove this book from the library," the woman said. Her hair shook with the tremors of the children. They might be laughing, they might be cringing.

     The librarian backed away. They said, "It comes."

     A bright red light found the woman. A robotic whirring filled the air as a small metallic ball with spinning helicopter blades came down. The voice came in a hollow monotone. "Book being challenged. Please present the book."

     The librarian slid the book toward the robot. A red light is shown down scanning the cover. The voice came again. "This item has no previous challenges and is rated for children three and above, although adults find the art pleasant. State your challenge."

     The librarian said to the woman, "It's talking to you."

     The red light swiveled from librarian to woman.

     "I, um… The monkey touched people. My kids don't need to see that," she said.

     "Analysis of the images and text have the curious monkey hold their keeper's and a teacher's hand. In one image, the frightened creature climbs upon the keeper's shoulders. These are acceptable behaviors for a primate. Your challenge is rejected."

     "My children wanted to hold a monkey. That's dangerous."

     "You should not allow them to hold wild animals or domesticated animals without professional supervision."

     "They keep telling me they want a monkey and we went to the zoo and little Jessie reached through the cage," the woman said pointing to the small child over her right shoulder.

     The red roving eye swiveled from the woman to the librarian and back. The librarian sighed.

     "Child protective services have been alerted. Your children will be taken to a safe home where they will be taught how to be productive, intelligent, and empathetic members of society. Thank you for alerting us to the danger. Have a nice day." The robot rose in the air, leaving the desk.

     "That was stupid. I want that book gone," the woman said.

     "I would hug your children," the librarian said, putting the book on the cart. "You should spend time with them while you can. Away from the zoo, of course."

Dracula Exhibit Coming Soon to the Library

The library opened today to find a giant yellow crate outside the front door, a fine mist spreading from the cracks and drifting with tendrils in the morning wind. The symbol of a dragon was drawn in crude fashion with a brown sticky paint. We brought it in.

     Opening it revealed a large amount of soil. Several bones were spread among the dirt and a small note. The note read: "Here lies Dracula. Please display him properly."

     Among the dirt we found a well preserved body of an older looking gentleman in a top hat and long coat, several display cases with artifacts, and a binder. The binder had comprehensive instructions on displaying the materials in a well unlit, cool area.

     We asked the staff at the morning huddle, and the reference librarian slapped their head, saying, "That must be the traveling Romanian exhibit Marcy signed up for, hell, I dunno, a year ago. Before she mysteriously disappeared on that trip to Europe. You remember, she phoned and said 'I've decided to stay with a charming man in a castle. He would like to visit and will send a display. Don't send help or anything. I'm cool.' Then we never heard from her again and had to do that whole hiring thing."

     Several staff members said, "Oh, yeah."

     Please feel free to visit the traveling exhibit once it has been set up. We anticipate next week.

I Wish (2023) they had made a better movie

Some movies don't have to be on the big screen. There is nothing wrong with direct to video/DVD/streaming, just letting that half-baked product go out there to be the background soundtrack to someone's childhood. Disney put Wish out there on the vague promise of another Frozen or Encanto with fun songs and a nice art style, but they forgot to give anything engaging like a story or characters.

     Wish is the story of a magical land ruled by the wizard king Magnifico who takes his subject's wish (or heart's desire, it's not super defined) on their 18th birthday so that everyone will be docile. A young girl named Asha finds out this is actually bad, and with a wishing star and the power of magic set out to stop Magnifico and give back everyone their wishes. Along the way, Disney masturbates their canon trying to tie all their stories together as if it was some kind of goofy (adjective not dog-man) cinematic universe. 

      The art style of wish is very fairytale in color and texture. The hues are pale watercolors splashed across the screen with only bright spots where the magic fills in. All that is painted on nice textures that resemble bumpy plaster and pillowy toilet paper. It's really very nice to look at when the camera sits still but in motion loses all appeal and becomes generic video game cutscenes. The still images of this movie are amazing.

      Another thing I am not qualified to discuss (did I mention I'm not an artist?), is the music. The villain song, an animal song with animals, and this one Stomp! inspired heavy beat revolution song all are fun in the moment, but I'll be honest, that's all I remember about them. There's no show stopper here, the songs designed to be redundant information dumps to fill the runtime. This leads to the feeling that maybe this movie was kinda thrown together, which feels very studio.

     Let me get this out of the way before I start shitting on the movie: I believe all those involved did their best. Fawn Veerasunthorn and Chris Buck made good choices as directors with the art and the shots. Ariana DeBose, Chris Pine, and everyone else acted their asses off with the material they were given. The problem comes with the script and the story.

     This movie, with every half-baked reference and cliche line, reeks of studio craptitude. Someone took what might have been a nice pilot episode to a cute little afternoon animated show or an irreverent pushback of the studio that's a little too Shrek and they made it a DISNEY MOVIE. That's a lot for this story, the whole princess classic story thing, and it doesn't deserve that. 

Save this for a rainy afternoon when someone sits on the remote and triggers Disney+ accidentally.

Here's some random thoughts:

• The magical star falls for no other reason than the plot needed it to (I wanted it to be her dad, what with all the nose touching). 

• The backstory for the villain who starts a little sympathetic is mentioned but given no details (what if he thought he caused the previous kingdom's downfall with a wish so that's why he's stealing them?). 

• The hell is it with nobody saying "evil" (forbidden magic is dumb, make that shit evil)? 

• Her friend goes evil and it's very compelling and then… not.

• The little comic relief goat in all the trailers? Talks to like maybe one other person and mostly to himself. It feels like it was added way after to fill time. Funny, good job Tudyk, but totally useless.

• I liked the Grandpa character. Very sweet.

Hunger Games: Ballad of the Bafflingly Villain Origin (2023)

Villain origin stories are great! Seeing some bastard turn from a meek and kind child to monsterous psychopath for more interesting people to battle is quite the journey to take an audience on. Fun fact, though, maybe have the character change some and not display traits of a lying nutcase while telling a story that looks like it has twists and turns but really just has half-baked characters in the middle of a half-baked epic.

     It's ten years after the Hunger Games have had children battling to the death for the amusement and punishment of the citizens who rebelled and about sixty-four years before Jennifer Lawerence kills people and Peeta decorates cakes. No one is watching the games, however, so the command demands that the graduating class make people interested. Enter Corny Snow, the future villain, to mentor Lacy Gray, the most interesting of the tributes for the games. Will they shake up the games? Who will survive to the end? Who is a snake and who is a songbird? In the end, who will give a shit?

     I'm gonna start with the acting because the effects are eh and the plot requires its own paragraph. Everyone here is doing a great job, from the quiet brooding of Snow guy to the singing charisma of Lacy Gray gal. The adults get the best of the lot, with Peter Dinklage and Viola Davis just acting crazy. "Villains, fuck your villains, we've got the most weird, dark, twisted, and cackling villains of them all," those two said and wiped their asses with Game of Thrones and Suicide Squad contracts. And that's without mentioning Jason Swartzman, the lone pure comedy who delivers a few lines as the host/magician/weatherman that had me laugh damn hard. Not many people could say the line "the little tuberculosis with legs" like he does.

     And then there's the plot. In essence, it reminded me of Ex Machina but done worse. In that movie a rich robot inventor invites a company man to see if he can tell if his girl robot is acting human. As that movie and this movie goes on, you doubt the motives of everyone involved to the point where the final act is a quiet explosion of "oh damns" as everyone reveals themselves. Here, we have to slog through three acts: Snow prepping for the games, the arena battle, and then the aftermath. I hate to say it, but this structure would have worked better as two or three movies. The opening and arena bits echo the original movie and are quite good, but when the final "Part 3" title card rolled out I was done, writing in my notes "OMG it's still going. There's so much more." And even it is good, and chocolate cake might taste good, but I don't want it after a pizza and a lasagna.

     And that's about the mood of the whole thing. There's too much happening but not enough growth. I don't feel by the end that our villain origin has peaked because he was doing duplicitous things for his own ends from the beginning. Snow as a character is a sociopath, turning against or using everyone with the lone exception being his sister/cousin/tiger lady. Even when turns happen, when there's scenes where it feels like he may be in doubt, all it takes is one thing being said or one catalyst to enter, and I knew he would do whatever it took to fulfill his own interests.

     If you go see this, matinee all the way. Don't pay full price. Hell, even wait for streaming. It's not big or bombastic or interesting visually to see on the big screen and the bright spots of music can be enjoyed just as well with a good pair of headphones.

Thoughts:

• Do you think they referenced the first movies enough? I counted all the references and stopped when I realized I didn't care.

• They put a girl with Downs in the arena to get bricked in the head because what the hell?

• The secret about his family at the end was really not revelatory at all and immediately is undercut. A death that made the whole thing not matter at all.

• Lacy Gray sings, but that's the only thing that makes her the songbird. I still don't know who was what in the title and don't really care. It's not as interesting as they thought it would be.

• Yes, I am aware that they put actual snakes and actual songbirds. Metaphor or lazy, you judge.

• They brought back the floaty fight camera and I hate it.

• For the first nine years, the arena was just a Roman style room where kids killed each other. Yeah, that's boring as shit.

• Who do Dinklage and Davis report to that are keeping an eye on anything that might cancel these games? Were they in danger of retirement or what? 

• The subplot of rebellion and betrayal including a secondary character kinda made me angry that it was not a reference to the first movies, but if it was, I did not get it.